#;end

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Ahead is super duper heavy stuff. It also is a little bit long-winded;; sorry! TW: mental abuse, underaged rp sex mentions, stockholm syndrome

Please don’t feel obligated to read.

This was all real for me. It’s not just a fun story I had planned, so if that’s too much, you can turn back now.

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okay, good?

From the start, askwithakiss was meant to be a story about recovery, and ultimately was a coping mechanism for me. Every bit of it was legitimately hard for me to come out with. This is gonna be very emotionally-charged, so I apologize in advance if things are sloppy!

I wanted to stop being afraid of telling my story, and so I tried to approach it through art and comics. In the end, I didn’t follow through; maybe it’s because I am still cowardly, or continuing to think about it and frame it like I was the only one who was hurt was very distasteful for me. Mostly, I just moved on.

I think I’ve really hurt people along the way. I left some good people and some not-good people. I surrounded myself in company that made me change how I acted, and taught me to be wary of the world in both good and bad ways.

Promise was created originally as chikainochuu, a roleplay blog for Gon I made 3 years ago. He was made to accompany a Killua blog whom I thought was fascinating and cool, who went by the url of fic//kle//trans//mu//ter. It’s deleted now, so don’t worry, and please please please never try to seek them out. For your own safety.

We roleplayed together and I fell in love I guess. From then I entered an emotionally abusive relationship with fickle’s writer that reflected in almost every rp that we did as Killua and Gon too-- I only realized it retrospectively.

The writer would get upset when I hit it off with everyone so well in the RP community that I stopped making so many open starters and communicating with people. His Killua would get upset whenever Gon expressed that he wanted any sense of agency over himself, insisting that Gon needed to stay weak so that Killua could “remain in control.” His Killua constantly convinced Gon that all he needed was Killua, and Killua would protect him. Both I, and my Gon in turn, bought it without question.

His Killua would tell Gon about how he’d have literal sex with other Gons and they had all “forced themselves upon him.” He’d tell me this too. He’d tell me that all his other girlfriends were crazy and abusive and forced themselves on him. Naturally, I became complicit in order to set myself apart, which might have all been a fool’s errand. And, of course, in turn, Gon did too.

He’d ask me repeatedly to have a smutty RP. I’d tell him that I wasn’t good at writing smut, and I couldn’t do it. He’d constantly tell me that he was horny for it, and so I eventually caved and gave him what he wanted. This pattern was frequent, messed up, and bad.

There have been moments on this blog where Promise alludes to these scenes and he is terrified and scared of what he’s done. It’s not good memories. None of it has been, and it made my life an living hell where I can’t even bear to see the word “fickle” without going into an absolute frenzy.

Promise became a character who I brought back after leaving my RP blog to be by me while I tried to figure out how to cope. It was easier to figure out a character arc and plan it out than to approach my own life. He became a weird Gon-- too old and wise and worn for his age. I liked him a lot. He had an ability to encourage me, because I would look at this character who I heavily projected onto and tried so hard to find his happy ending despite all the shit he dealt with. I liked to think he’d do the same for me.

As far as the plotline with his nen, I had intended that he had it and accidentally used it during his fight with Creep way back then in a desperate attempt to gather enough power to try and protect someone he still cared about. It caused something to happen where the promise of “I’ll never use nen again” was broken and consequences kicked in, and so he had officially “lost” any enhancer nen he had, as well as any ability to use it. His arm took longer to heal because he no longer had nen. A bit nonsensical, but it was where I was at back then.

Just before that, he told Kitty that he wanted to finally re-learn how to use nen, after being told for so long that he shouldn’t because he was told by Killua that it would hurt everyone he loved and it’d be his fault. Promise was thrilled with this idea, and was convinced that becoming strong again with nen was how to help him feel better on his own as well as protect others.

As for future plot plans...

Promise’s dreams to learn nen again were supposed to be shattered when he finds out his nen is permanently sealed off. He kind of resigns with this attitude of how it simply wasn’t meant to be.

After that, Promise was going to realize how applicable it was to his life in general. Shit happened, and he no longer had some of the things that made up a big part of his confidence--- his ability to fend for himself, his nen, and his Killua. With that, he realizes that he and Killua were also just simply not meant to be.

Promise comes to term with the fact that he’d been trying to cling on to the idea of Killua as well as nen because they provided him stability and validation of his strength and worth. He tried desperately to claw them back into his life, tried to relearn nen, tried to find a way back to Killua. Tried to be again who he once was, though it was long torn away from him by the foolish mistakes he had made.

We never wanted to call anyone a mistake, and surely, meeting him was never meant to be one. But alas, there was a time before any nen or Killua for Promise-- whether this was better or worse didn’t matter, but there was a time when he was able to survive by just being the best person he could be, and not by trying to be a person he used to be.

Promise is then able to let go of Killua and trying to relearn nen, knowing he can still do a lot of good in this world without any of that. He didn’t need to be a hunter anymore-- he didn’t need to chase anyone or anything.

That’s the details of what I had planned for this boy. Hey, thanks if you read through all of that.

I wanna say thank you to everyone who showed me kindness despite how I’ve... been in these years. I’ve not been the best person I could have been, but I’m trying my best now, and I’ll keep trying my best.

I earnestly hope that every one of you continues to be lovely and supportive. I personally did not have a great time within this fandom because of this relationship that... for lack of a better word, scarred me. But, the community on the askblog side here has always been absolutely wonderful, and by far probably the best memories I can take away from being in this fandom. I’m sorry it’s a bit sappy, but you guys honestly made my stay worth anything.