   ✞ ED SHEERAN (+ ORIGINAL RAP) *  ANTISOCIAL    ( you know that i'll be back, terminator of the 8-track )
he tells woojin first.
 his hands shake when he texts him and he's afraid, even though he knows woojin won't be mad about this (he won't, will he? why would he be mad?)
 he knows woojin won't be mad about this. he talked to woojin-- finally told him some of what plagued his mind ever since he and kenta received their contracts on that stage in front of a live audience, and ever since daniel bawled his eyes out in front of a live audience. he told him how bad he felt for leaving him and kenta alone after getting them into the mgas in the first place, how he wished he could've been better so he could've joined them. ironically, woojin essentially told daniel his own motto: nothing was guaranteed, even if they did win. still, daniel vowed to work hard to follow he and kenta into their new world, and after some hesitance and skepticism, woojin told him to do it.
 so he has been, with woojin's permission, and now he has an audition to make it into the company he might've had their team won-- had all of them gotten contracts like trc's team did when they won (aside from minho, of course.)
 he finally wants it. he wants it so badly that he's even been working on his dancing, just a little. he is so tired of his life as it is. he doesn't want to make coffee and study economics every day, bass guitar and lyrics in the memo app on his phone the only thing to save him. even with practicing his dancing, however, he wondered how much of himself he needed to sacrifice for a company to want him, and if it would be worth it. he wondered if they would scoff at his guitar like the public did, and force him into a group that dances like they did on the mgas. he wondered if there was any chance at all that a company might want him for what he will always want in the end: a band.
 he came to terms with the fact that the answer to his last question would always be no; he decided it was worth it anyway. he could be anyone they wanted him to be, as he said in his very first interview for the mgas, before he discovered who he really was as a musician (as a person) over the course of the show, even if they didn't want him to. he had to be anyone they wanted him to be, and he could do it if it meant being with kenta and woojin again. (he tried not to think about how that essentially meant leaving minhyun and sungwoon behind. he tried not to think about the fact that they didn't want to become trainees, and that regardless of his dreams, they would never reunite on a stage again. he tried not to still have hope.)
 and then comes the empty enigma halloween cover, uploaded to daniel's youtube channel what he thought was under the radar in case kenta and woojin got in trouble for performing with the rest of the band in any way. then comes the call. then comes the we saw the recent video cover you posted on youtube and think you may fit the profile we’re looking for. then comes the audition.
 he scheduled the audition, all ecstatic and giddy. all he did in their cover was play bass and harmonize, as he always did in empty enigma. sphere wanted him because of something he did with empty enigma. maybe sphere wanted him for who he actually was, if that was what made them think he fit what they were looking for.
 but then comes you knew who i was on the mgas. why did you try to erase empty enigma and then do this? why did you make me think none of you could ever want me unless i was someone different?
 he tells woojin first. he tells jinwook second.
 truthfully, the potential of working on songs with jinwook is a dream. just being able to see him regularly feels something like a blessing, or it would be, since he hasn't succeeded yet. he feels lucky enough that he has the number of a convex member, let alone jinwook's, and that he actually wants to talk to him, but texting him isn't the same as talking to him in person, and the reliable and comforting presence he provided during the turbulence of the mgas.
 woojin and jinwook are more than enough reason to want to join a company, as is what he knows of sphere's schedule from his coaches. he was always torn between sphere and nova, and for as grateful he is, there's a little disappointment, too. maybe there will always be a part of him that wants to prove himself to hyun bin. maybe there will always be a part of him that wants to join kenta and haknyeon, his two very best friends, in their company.
 he tries not to think about it, and instead, focuses on preparing for his sphere audition-- but first, he has to tell kenta, sungwoon and minhyun.
 his feet trace the familiar way from his apartment to theirs around the time that kenta and woojin's schedules end, more because he wants to wish woojin a happy birthday in person and maybe give him an awkward hug than to share the news about his audition. he told woojin he wouldn't tell the others until tomorrow. daniel's ability to act and lie went significantly downhill now that he doesn't need to hide everything about himself, and woojin-- who didn't even really bother to lie about empty enigma in the first place --is even worse. naturally, they catch on to something being out of the ordinary, and it's minhyun that asks: "what's wrong?"
 "nothing!" daniel chirps, and he grins, but minhyun doesn't buy it, of course. "nothing is wrong," and his smile stays in place, this time sincere. he looks over at woojin, as if for approval, and woojin just stares back at him, offering no help whatsoever, so daniel inhales deeply before he says, words tumbling out quickly, one after another, "sphere gave me an audition because of the teeth cover."
 they're happy for him, kenta especially, but they all share his sentiments: why now? sungwoon seems the angriest on his behalf, even though he tries to hide it, and daniel isn't so stupid to think that's all there is to it. for now, he doesn't mention it. they all encourage him to go, no matter how they may really feel, and daniel smiles. suddenly, tears come to his eyes when he does, entirely out of the blue, entirely unexplained.
 maybe it's because if he makes it, it'll be the end of another chapter. maybe it's because he's afraid minhyun and sungwoon feel the same way daniel felt standing as the only empty enigma member on that finale stage without a contract. maybe's it's because it's only in this moment that he realizes he doesn't know why sphere picked him and not them. it's like they're back to daniel and his band, even as the frontman carrying their vocals, and minhyun with his voice good enough to be a lead singer himself. (maybe it's because a company wanting him again after a year just means that much.)
 he gets started on selecting a song right away, knowing how long it took him to settle on one for his nova audition this time last year, and how much he ended up regretting the one he selected for the next year. he knows he has to choose wisely, and there are several options he comes up with quickly.
 the easiest-- and perhaps wisest --route is to choose something already uploaded to his youtube channel or soundcloud. it would be something he already practiced, and he could pick the one he received the best feedback on, hoping whoever judged his audition would feel the same way. but is daniel one to take the easiest route? likely not.
 there is a certain song: one he intended to perform at the green ribbon festival before he and songhee decided to do a collaboration for it instead. it's a song he held back thus far, not posting anywhere because he felt self-conscious of it. it isn't because he thinks it's bad, but because the lyrical content and meaning behind it embarrasses him. it's the first song he wrote that's akin to a love song. he wrote it while sungwoon was in japan following the mgas; he played the guitar part for kenta, and minhyun likely heard enough of it when daniel hung out at their apartment, working on it, just so minhyun wouldn't be alone. in the end, he is proud of it, and it might be time for it to finally reach the ears of a real audience. maybe.
 another that might be appropriate: youngblood by five seconds of summer. it's the song daniel almost performed a year ago for his nova audition, practiced alongside the way i am by charlie puth until daniel eventually decided on the latter. it seems fitting now, after getting noticed for performing another five seconds of summer song, and maybe this way, he can put one what if to rest. maybe.
 those are the safe options-- the logical, rational options. of course, daniel still seeks out more. he could sing a worship song and throw it back to his first ever audition, and give god some more glory like he said he would in his prayer before the finale of the mgas. there are a few of those he's been wanting to cover (and one he already has.)
 he's been wanting to cover some of ed sheeran's collaboration album too, wanting to round up some mga friends to join him in the songs, but he hasn't gotten around to it between midterms and mild to moderate social anxiety. he could turn one of those into a solo song and maybe show off some of the range to his talents.
 god, he doesn't even really know if he wants to sing or rap yet.
 what matters most is what he wants to convey through this audition. who does he want to be?
 on sunday, follow church service, he prays, and he asks god that question and more.
 hi god. the past few days have been kind of crazy. thank you for the audition, first of all, even if i'm still confused about it, and what you really want for me. i guess that's not really mine to know, is it? i guess i'll find out.
 i think that's all i want to pray about today. you know i have a ton else going on that i need your help on, but i want to make sure i really focus on this and make sure i’m with you on it since it’s so important. this could really change my entire life.
 there’s a part of me that’s still scared. i don’t think i really like change at all, even when it’s good for me, and there’s been so much in the past year. it’s kind of crazy to think about. most of it has been good, and i’ve liked it, but…i don’t know about empty enigma breaking up. that might be a change that i never understand. i think kenta is happy as a trainee, but i don’t know if woojin is, and i don’t know what you’re doing with all of that sadness. i think i prayed, before the mga finale, like the only two options were me becoming a trainee and empty enigma breaking up or none of us getting contracts so we could all go back to the band. i think, even though i didn’t want to accept it, that i might understand why you did it. i think you still wanted me to be able to write and perform my own music, but didn’t want me to be cameo anymore. cameo wasn’t really the personification of jesus that i’m supposed to be, was he? i still don’t know if i’m doing such a good job of that as daniel. i understand why you did it, but i still don’t like it yet, so i guess i pray that…you would get me there.
 this audition might be a way of doing that, i think. it kind of feels like it, but you know…nothing is guaranteed. i think i keep saying that because i need to believe it more than anyone. i’m too optimistic and always get my hopes up, but at the same time, i always doubt and am always anxious about everything. how can i be both of those things at once? how can i feel like i might be good enough to get a contract this time, and be afraid everything will be ruined at the same time?
 i think i got off topic. honestly, i don’t really know what to ask anymore, after all of this. i think just for help. there’s a lot i don’t understand about why you’ve given me this now, and why you did in the way you did. if i thought it was cruel for sphere to give me an audition because of an empty enigma cover after breaking us as a band, then i must think you’re cruel for giving it to me too. i’m grateful, but…i’m also confused. it’s a little painful, too, but it’s nice to know baek jiyoung wanted me, and it’s nice that it’s sphere. i’ll trust you on why it’s sphere and not nova, and believe that if i get in, that’s just where you want me to be.
 if i don’t get in, it’ll mean you want me somewhere else, right? that’s easy enough now, but i think if i fail again i’ll be really upset, so i’ll pray that you make me okay with whatever result i get, and that i accept whatever your will is for me in this.
 i do pray that your will would be to let me get a contract from this…i think. i always feel stupid praying and asking to change your will, but that can happen, right? maybe? i know you’re supposed to listen to us, but…okay, right, i won’t get into that. focus.
 i really want to become a trainee for kenta and woojin, especially after i told woojin i would do my best to. at the same time, there’s part of me that doesn’t want to, because i’ll miss my friends. it’s not just sungwoon and minhyun i’d be leaving behind, but songhee and jungmo too, and all of the friends i made on the mgas that didn’t get signed, and everyone in between. then again, that seems kind of dramatic. it’s not like i’m moving to another country or anything, i’m just going to get really busy if i become a trainee. i’ll get off at a regular time for a job on the weekends, and i’ll still be able to hang out with everyone, even if it’s not as much. now that i’ve thought about it like that, i think it’s okay to want this. i think i want to become a trainee for me too.
 so yeah, i pray that i would, and that if you don’t want me to be now, or i’m still not ready, that…i would fail, i guess? i know whatever happens will be for the best in the end, even if it really sucks, so i’ll just trust that in the end.
 yeah, with all of that out the way, please help me prepare for this audition. i don’t really know what to perform and since i actually care about the result of this, i’m nervous. i want to pick the right song, both to show off my abilities so they like me, and to represent who i really am, and to be something i like. please help me do all of that, and i also pray that i would do well, and that this wouldn’t haunt me like my nova audition did, no matter what happens.
 i think that’s it? yeah, thank you for listening. i pray all of this in jesus’s name. amen.
 he waffles on song choices a while more, but finally settles on one on monday, which is much later than he wanted, but it’s fine! in the end, he chooses antisocial by ed sheeran. he wanted to show off an original song, and then he wanted to show off his rapping, and then—
 he decides he’ll write another original rap for the second verse where travis scott originally rap-sings (what do you classify that as, anyway?) this time, he does it in english, and it comes just as quickly as it did during the skill round of the mgas when he did the same. it was his favorite round of the mgas across the whole show. this is the way to show off his singing, his rapping, and his creativity. hopefully, it’ll show how his confidence has grown, too, since the song has a little spunk. he won’t be apologizing to the judges before he begins this time.
 as the days pass, and the audition comes nearer and nearer, he gets the slightest hint of cold feet. he keeps thinking about how much this feels like choosing, kenta and woojin vs sungwoon and minhyun, and the fact that he’s choosing the side he is makes him feel sick. he already owes sungwoon so much better than he’s given him until now. he owes sungwoon better than not even being able to call him his boyfriend, and still getting flustered when anyone calls what are obviously dates by that name. he definitely owes him better than taking away from their relationship, and how desperately he wants to figure it out.
 “if i get in, i’ll still come over every weekend,” he says, holding both of sungwoon’s hands in his own as they sit on the sofa—the sofa where daniel told him he loved him the first time and sungwoon didn’t get it, very important to note –and daniel kisses him. when he pulls away, he smiles. “i’ll come see you even when i’m tired.”
 in the end, it doesn’t come down to kenta or woojin, or sungwoon or minhyun, but to daniel, and what he needs. for the first time in his life, he stops sacrificing himself for everyone else.
 he steps into the audition room with a smile on his face, and immediately starts to tune his trusty guitar. he introduces himself easily, and they soon tell him to begin, so he does. (now, he’s only a little nervous.)
 Friday night and I'm ridin' solo When I touch down, keep it on the low-low I don't mess with your energy No photos So antisocial, but I don't care You’re lucky I’m not gonna smoke here Got a bottle in my hand, bring more though Got my hat low, don't talk to me
 he gets a little in touch with his cameo roots. despite his hair still being a certain (different) shade of silver, he hasn’t in a while. it’s confidence an old daniel never had, and that the current daniel only has because he realized he was cameo too, and that as much as he wanted cameo, he didn’t really need him anymore. god wouldn’t have taken away cameo’s medium if he did. cameo and past daniel were two very different people, but none of them were really daniel. it was the daniel made in the image of his parents, and the daniel that needed to rebel against that. now, he’s a very different person, too: a combination of both with a little something extra.
 really, that’s what this song is about for daniel.
 he changes the original line don’t give a damn i’m gonna smoke here so he doesn’t swear, if that matters, and so those judging him don’t worry that he smokes. he didn’t change any of the lines about drinking, though…hmm…it’s okay, he changed the entire second verse, which was worse.
 his guitar arrangement shifts, a little softer, but more difficult too, a build up as he sings:
 I've been down, give me some space You don't know what's in my brain Music loud, easin' my pain
this is pure daniel, cameo shelved, even though cameo was the medium in which music eased daniel’s pain. that’s what empty enigma was for daniel in the year and a half he was part of the band, but these lines are true for him now, too. he’s been down since the end of the mgas, but he’s put every free second and all of his heart into music since. he’s written and arranged so many songs, he’s sweat in dance studios, he’s worked on new instruments all for this.
 his guitar builds up, then explodes into the chorus, and daniel smiles as he sings it and strums. maybe he should be playing a tougher character, but he doesn’t really want to. he’s sure sphere will make him who they want to be once he’s in their company. before then, he wants them to want him for who he really is.
 Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me I came to vibe, yeah On something, on something, on something I wanna riot Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me I came to vibe, yeah Won't let nothing come in between me and the night
 it’s still confident, and a promise that he’s a different daniel than he was during the mgas. truthfully, maybe he wasn’t ready back then. the daniel of the mgas didn’t know what he wanted, and even though he put everything he had into his performances, it was just to perform—without any end goal in mind. he didn’t really want a contract then. he only started that journey to garner attention for his band and show off the talents of his bandmates, so maybe it was only fitting that the mgas tore the band apart as they did. band’s talents: shown off, karma: delivered. now, he gets to show off his own talents again, this time, as a daniel that knows exactly what he wants.
 that’s how he can sing the chorus with the feeling that he can. it’s not fake fake confidence, at least not right now. he came here to perform and show what he can do—to enjoy himself, and to prove himself. if they don’t want him here, he won’t give up. by offering him an audition, they already proved to him he had reason to hope in this.
 the next talent he gets to show comes up, and it’s his original rap. he still plays his guitar as he begins (which is pretty hard, mind you. he spent the most time this week making sure he could do both simultaneously.)
 if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all
my mama used to tell me; just stayed quiet by default
 it’s true. he’s surprised it took him as little time as it did to start speaking his own mind. at the same time, he’s still trying to tell his own thoughts apart from hers. he’s still trying to develop his own opinions, and his own habits, and to embrace that she wasn’t always right—that he didn’t have to be who she wanted him to be, or the person he thought might make her happy. it didn’t stop him from trying. he knows now that he could never be that; she would never truly be happy with anyone. she would keep poking and prodding and criticizing no matter what he did.
 he still loves her. he just can’t live for anymore, and that’s exactly what he used to do. she tried to raise him in the lord—to bring him up according to only the oppressive, rigid teachings of the bible –and yet he only knows now that the only person he can safely live for, and the only one that he should live for, is jesus. he’s learned so much more with a little distance.
 he sings now, a reference to the beginning of the song, even if it’s not in the original:
 so antisocial and i'm not prepared
with a personality that's not theirs
 to his dad’s credit, he’s been better now that daniel is no longer under the reign of his mother. his dad actually helped him get furniture for his apartment, likely without his mother’s knowledge. given that daniel’s grandmother is his favorite member of the family (well, maybe tied with mina), and she’s the other of his father, it makes sense.
 even if he doesn’t mind having part of his mother’s personality, the fact that he still doesn’t know exactly who he is is true. he goes back to rapping.
 i'm trying to be honest for the first time in my life
so i see the finale every time i close my eyes
 he spent so much of his life concealing and deceiving. he would never admit to doing anything wrong to his mother, only telling the truth when he thought she might expose his lie. he remembers lying about what he did with his friends, even at an early age—studying, he would say, despite them actually playing video games.
 his grandest lie, however, was empty enigma. keeping the band a secret was his grandest lie, going so far as to concoct a twin brother as an excuse for why empty enigma’s bassist resembled him so much when anyone asked.
 in a way, his personality for most of his life was a lie, too. since getting out of his mother’s clutches, he’s been trying to be more sincere, so it’s only fair that he is here too, and he confesses how much the finale has haunted him to the very people he represented during it. he wonders if they’re disappointed, even now, that sphere’s team finished fourth instead of finishing first. even now, with this new opportunity, daniel thinks he still is.
 he’s here, however, and he does have this new opportunity. it’s kicked up his determination anew, so that’s not the note he ends the rap on. he smiles again, a little cheeky.
  and if you cut me now because you think that i still lack
you know that i'll be back, terminator of the 8-track
 he hopes they don’t cut him again, but it’s a resolve to both them and himself that he won’t give up. he’ll be back knocking on sphere’s door, eager for retribution, just like he wants to at nova’s for turning him down a year ago. (it’s also a fun reference to the terminator movies, and his strength, and yes, to mark’s rap in jopping.)
  his guitar built up once again, to the repeat of the chorus, and the final part of his audition song.
 Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me I came to vibe, yeah On something, on something, on something I wanna riot Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me I came to vibe, yeah Won't let nothing come in between me and the night
 he smiles again after he ends, and does his best to bow to the panel even with a guitar slung across his shoulders. “thank you!”
 nothing is guaranteed. he knows that, and he likes to think no matter what happens, he’ll be okay. nothing is guaranteed, but more than that, he wants to think he’s finally done enough.
