#&anon.

i feel like we're at a really sensitive age where perception and self image are one of the most important aspects of a person— the weird coming of age where you're not really a kid but far from a mature adult. im often laughed and giggled at when I try to be mature, or am looked at with surprise when I demonstrate that I'm growing up and can stomach complex thoughts, “woah, that's very mature of you to say. you're smarter than we thought, huh?”

but I hold myself back when I'm around kids, “when I'm older like you, i'll—” who do I have by my side then?

we forget that no one has it figured out. im not someone unapproachable because I'm refined, I'm imperfect just like any kid. I'm still figuring out what I want, what it means to make a choice and what is truly the essence of why I'm a rebellious person.

kpop idols are no different. they just have a whole team carrying their story for them, and they wouldn't be where they are— if they didn't have adults helping shape their image to others. the same adults who have likely told them “you're smarter than we thought, huh?” and yet still see them as a kid. because that's who they are— eldest 20. only a baby in the face of the real world.

it makes my stomach turn when I imagine myself in their place. I don't suddenly look cool because I have a million eyes on me telling me I am, and I don't just feel beautiful because the pictures say I do. the makeup means nothing to me if I can't feel it. kpop idols are only just kids— just bound to a system that doesn't compromise on their beauty. they're gorgeous, they're young, they're desirable, yes. but they don't have it figured out.

I know if a panel of adults watched my every move, scanned for a potential flaw that could damage the "image" that's built for me and always corrected my imperfections, I wouldn't feel cool. I wouldn't feel beautiful. i wouldn't be what the public is being guided to see me as. I'd arguably feel worse about myself, unnaturally sensitive to criticism yet crave it to appear what I truly want to be seen as. cool. beautiful. pretty. talented.

what good is any trait of myself I can manufacture; if it means I can sell it for a perception of myself and yet still feel nothing like it?

I often lie awake at night, wondering what it would be like to genuinely meet someone who is a victim to the system that only uplifts them if they are already catching a wave of popularity? what if I poured my soul into my craft but the public, yet, still doesn't care to spare me a glance? and then my company rejects me, pays less attention to me while they overwork my peers to the bone who seem to be the public's preference?

what good is growing up around people who are telling you to be something? what if I want to be cool but because I want to be cool. not because it's trendy to be that way. what if I want to have love and connection, but I'm a puppet to the very people that are my audience?

i don't want to choose a version of me that can just be. I'm not effortless like that. I am who I am because I fought for what kind of person I feel true to be. I'm not refined, not perfect— I have scars on my face and my hair don't always fall perfect.

I'm more than the people I look up to. I'm more than the people I admire, I'm who I am because I absorbed what I loved about others. I demonstrate what it means to be me.

cortis is someone I've felt connected to since I recognized james' features back in september. since I saw martin breathe through what music meant to him. i have their posters on my wall because I want to show what part of them genuinely connected to be who I am.

but I can't be them. that's not me. I'll never be cool like martin I'll never be the same kind of resilient james was. I'll never be that. but I could be something similar. I could be inspired, I could build what it means to be me with that influence in my life.

but being able to carry that nuance with me in my life is challenging. i still feel like a teenager even if I'm 20. I'll still feel like a child when I'm fighting with my mom and I'll still feel like the same young student I was when I first started studying independently.

i can't replicate something I never was, I can only be inspired. it's hard to be the same age as the people I look up to because I'm forced to compare. but I feel as I grow up the easier it gets to just feel inspiration. the choice of wanting to choose myself everytime hijacks any sort of envy I've likely felt towards people my age, it helps me feel like I can grow at my own pace.

I hope everyone who reads this understands the vulnerability I speak from. I'm not the people I admire, even if I sometimes wish I was in a moment of overwhelming emotion. it makes me strong to feel confident in myself even if I'm nothing like the ones that inspire me.

i criticize the entertainment industry because of the adults. I feel for the others my age in the audience and on stage; both simultaneously. because I know what it's like to see someone your age and feel bitter. to feel overwhelmed with envy and to always stare in the mirror comparing yourself. but I've also been on the other end of the stick, where I've felt that I was BEING envied and felt it was unfair.

it can never feel earned because of the nature of envy itself— and it felt frustrating. because no matter how long it took to get here, it was my own effort. I've seen how people act when they're jealous and it's bitter. I don't wish for people to see me in a lens of envy, of awe or of something that strips away the effort it took to get here. I know if I was an idol, I'd feel uncomfortable with that kind of gaze.

as I admire idols, I catch myself before I can let the comparison consume me. I hope that everyone can walk away from the trap that is comparison and always admire the idols for who they are— just kids in a system trying to be themselves. they're just artists trying to find what art means to them. they're not special or someone to idolize. they're people who's choices are as fragile as yours and mine. they have regrets, they have fears, they have morally grey things about them that they hide. they may not be who you think they are. to me, admiring someone is accepting all this yet still understanding why their work matters to you.

I hope people can see idols with the same grace they carry for themselves. the urge to defend yourself when you're being wronged, it's not something foreign to us. then why do we struggle to see idols as human? as people capable of the same emotions were often experiencing?

there's a lot of nuance with such a topic that a lot of people overlook but I hope we can understand that we should ultimately be ourselves. idols compare themselves, they love, they experience and they lose. they aren't puppets to please the public, this is their way of trying to create art in a system that doesn't reward what an artist truly needs— time and autonomy. the ability to choose.

I'm going to quote something that impacted me from an analysis video on the videogame silent hill f— “these creatures (who) cannot possibly understand what a freedom it is to agonize over a choice at your own pace.”

it's impossible to be perfect because it's human nature to compare, teenhood brings so much that we often can't process it quick enough. but choosing ourselves every time it gets ugly is what brings us to accept ourselves, whether we are inspired by people our age or not.

but I'm at peace when I'm myself. I hope others can find that sense of peace too. the more I learn about people I admire, the more I learn about what it's like to choose myself.

I hope we just exist in less comparison and more acceptance. of ourselves and others.