#!rachdiary

I know it's been a while, but I've been so busy with life lately I just haven't had a chance to write anything. Things are going well. Quinn goes back to Yale soon. I'm going to miss her, but I also want her to be happy. I want to watch her achieve her dreams like she has stood beside me for mine. I believe in her so much. I know she can stay sober and do well in school. She really is the strongest person I know.

After going through so much in her life...to see that she has turned into someone so loving is amazing. I know she still has rough edges, but who wouldn't if they had to grow up the way she did? I just want to do the best I can to show her that she is loved unconditionally. I want her to know that it's okay to make mistakes in life. I always want to be there for her no matter what.

My show is going well and my sister is dating Santana now. They seem happy so I'm happy for them. It's nice to see everyone in a good place. I miss Charlotte. I hope she comes back to New York soon. I want to spend some time with her. She always knows how to make me laugh and sometimes I think that her sunny personality prevents a lot of fights from happening. Quinn and Santana are volatile as usual. I don't understand their friendship, but I know they love each other. At least with Charlotte around, maybe she can soften their edges because I don't seem to be able to anymore.

Well, I've got a show later so I had better get ready and head to the theatre. Thanks for listening diary.

I messed up again, as usual. I'm going to see if I can schedule an appointment with my therapist today. I hope she'll see me...

I lost the part.  At least I'm not blacklisted...I'm not really feeling like doing much of anything.

I don't feel well. I couldn't sleep last night. I tried. I had the worst nightmare. Quinn was in a car accident and we were on the phone. I couldn't get to her fast enough...It felt so real and I got sick when I woke up. I couldn't sleep again after.

I've been taking the anti-depressants and they've been helping a bit, but...I just feel so anxious all of the time. Nothing makes me calm. I feel like I'm constantly waiting to get bad news. I know it's terrible. I don't know how to fix it.

I can't miss more school or rehearsal though. I have to go. I hope everything goes okay until I get home. Then I can just rest.

Somehow, I have to make it through today. I don't know how. I don't think I'll be going home after rehearsal, if I even make it through. Maybe I'll just wander around for a while. The cold can numb me.

I realize why Santana called me a puppy. I'm like a stupidly loyal animal that keeps going back even after it's owner kicks it. I really believed Quinn this time. I kept thinking if I could learn and do better, then I'd be able to make her want me as much as I want her. I'm just a convenience though.

While I'm dreaming of the future, she's thinking of who knows what. I defended her too. I said she wasn't like Noah, but I guess I was a fool. Maybe that's why they were drawn together in the first place. You know what's funny? Out of everything, I'm most disgusted by myself. I feel dirty and ugly. I spent a long time trying to scrape the feeling from my skin last night. I just ended up with cuts and raw arms. I can't wash it away. Not that it's different from usual, but...I was starting to believe that maybe Quinn did see something that I didn't.

I thought maybe my therapist was right...but it was a lie. Just pretty words to placate. I'm just the way people see me. My voice is the only thing that makes me worthwhile. It was true in high school when people would tolerate me just to help them win competitions and it's true now. Except now...now there are plenty of other people who are just as good or better. I'm unnecessary.

I feel betrayed too...I know we were broken up...but not even for twenty four hours and she was already in bed with someone else. It's not cheating, but...I feel like I can't trust her. I was doing my best to get better and not make mistakes. I made her promises. I hadn't used my sleeping pills in long time and I didn't need anxiety medication anymore.

I think I need anti-depressants. I can't rely on life to just get better anymore. That's not the way my life works. I basically get a few good weeks and then everything goes to shit. I don't have the strength to keep pulling myself back up. I need something else and I think my therapist sees that. I've been holding off for Quinn. To try to do it on my own so that she'd be proud of me.

I'm so dumb. Doing all these things for someone who was obviously not as invested as me. Why did I even think things would be different than any other time or person before? I'm such a fool. It's what I deserve for being so stupid as usual.

I better go.

Quinn is mad at me. I'm trying my best to not make the same mistakes, but it feels like every decision I make is the wrong one. I didn't think she'd be upset with me trying to be a better friend to Santana. Especially given that she was badly hurt last night. The last time that was the case Quinn left to go see her and broke up with me due to it all...

I know that I have a long way to go for us to be on equal footing, but I'm trying to be better for her...to be worthy. Then she says things like she did last night and I wonder if I ever will be in her eyes. I know I make mistakes...I always seem to. I don't intend for it though...

And Santana...I don't know what is going on with her. I know she's in a dark place right now, but it's so hard to help her. Not that I'm at all qualified. I can barely make it two days without disappointing Quinn or screwing up in some way, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could be of some use. It's just so difficult with Santana. It's like trying to pet a wild animal. One wrong move and it will snap at you. I never know what to say or do around her because I'm scared she's just going to tear into me.

I know it's mostly just self preservation for her. I know a lot of the time Santana doesn't mean it, but it still hurts and it makes it hard to have a conversation. That's why I've been so quiet. Santana needs to work through everything and get better. I mean, I have issues too but I'm working with someone to at least try to cope.

Going to the hospital was a big step...I thought Quinn would be proud of me, but I was just a disappointment for her. Again. I had nightmares and I just didn't sleep afterwards. I knew I would. Hospitals give me the chills. I've never been to one for good news. I doubt I'll be much use in class or at rehearsal, but I need to try.

I should get to class.

This has been the best Christmas ever. I've had Quinn by my side the whole time. Even though I may have lost my voice for a little while and even though dad and daddy found out why...it didn't stop this holiday from being amazing. I really do love her so very, very much.

Since our last fight, I've tried to be more conscious of what I say. I don't want to ever hurt her. I know I will, but I will learn from it and make sure I never make the same mistake twice. I promise to always care for her and make sure she's happy. Her smile is the most brilliant thing I've ever seen. If I could make her smile every day for the rest of my life, I'd die happy.

I feel awful for Santana and my sister. Santana because it seems that Brittany has decided to just cut ties with us all. It's upsetting and I think Santana is extremely hurt, even if her and Brittany have been broken up for a while. I know San is dating Danielle, but it's so new. I just hope she doesn't do anything to ruin her new relationship...

As for my sister, I just want to hug her. I know how much she loves Charlotte. I don't know what happened and I know Charlotte wouldn't consciously hurt Daniella, but I guess they grew apart. I just hate that my sister is spending it away from all of us. Sure, she has family in New York but still...my heart hurts for her...

I just want to make sure they all have a great New Year's Eve. I'm going to make sure of it!

I'm so stupid. I never meant to hurt her. That's me though. I don't think and I always say the wrong thing. She didn't deserve that. She deserves so much more. She's been nothing but good to me. She's been so sweet and loving and I turn around and say something so callous. What is wrong with me? Really? What is it? I don't understand. My therapist says that I see myself unworthy of love, but given the things that I do...aren't I? Am I not right to see myself that way?

I guess I'll have to bring this up in tomorrow's session. I thought things were going better, but...I don't think I'll ever be better. I don't think I can be fixed. I...I think I'm going to work out for a while. I won't be able to sleep anyways and Quinn asked me not to take any pills. I know I'll have nightmares if I try and I don't think I could handle those right now. Besides, the least I could do is respect what she asked of me. If I do nothing else right, I can do that.

I'm so sorry. I don't deserve her...I know that. I know it. She told me not to be scared of losing her all of the time, but...look at me! It's like we're on borrowed time. I'm so stupid to even being making up these stupid visions of a future with her because I'm going to fuck screw it all up before I ever get that. I'm so foolish.

This is my life. I get a few moments of happiness and then months of pain. Sometimes it's mental, sometimes physical...I must have been a serial killer in a past life. I mean, I'm no saint in this one but...I almost feel like I'm purposely being driven to hope only to have it crushed.

Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...I'm so stupid. I need to stop expecting anything different. Like the musical...sure, I have it now but I probably won't in a month...maybe not even that long. Maybe a few weeks...

Like Finn...He was coming to see me and a few days later...I should just keep to myself. I mean, if I don't talk much and don't engage with other people too much then I can't hurt them. Then I'm the only one who's affected...I don't want to hurt Quinn again. So...if...

Shit. My phone's ringing...I'd better get it.