[ this post is private and only viewable to snapz ]
▪ man. i never thought about sex this much until kitkat. wtf.
▪ nobody else gives me any kind of reaction, but i see him smilin at me and i feel like i want to just. put him inside of my body. like if he was inside my ribcage then itd be okay.
▪ i remember when i was a kid, there was this other monster that i thought was the coolest. he gave me a card for valentines once and i was so happy i ate the card. he thought i was a weirdo and never talked to me again.
▪ i get that same feelin with kitkat. i like him so much i want to put him in my mouth and keep him forever. that sounds so stupid. but sex is just a temporary, fleeting thing. but im too scared of something that's more permanent. im too scared of screwing it up and when our hearts pull apart, it'd hurt more than anything.
▪ im a coward. i dodge everything cause im scared of pain. i'll crack my skull on the pavement but i can't take a punch. i won't take a punch. i'll run and run and run.
▪ but when it's kitkat i cant run. i dont move. i want everything about him and i want it in my mouth. if it's in my mouth, and i swallow it, it's mine forever. funny things for a skeleton to say. it just comes right outta me. but he's made of magic and so am i, so maybe it won't fall right out.
▪ maybe this is something that won't fall through the cracks. or am i stupid to think it'll ever last. he likes me right now, but will he like me when i snap? when i think it'd be better if he hated me. when i break something that he cherishes so much and i can't put it back the way it was.
▪ i was such a mess when that monster called me a freak, i remember i grabbed sans' telescope and chucked it into the water. i tried to go in to get it, but it sunk through the mud and i couldnt find it. it's probably still down there. sans was so angry at me. i dont think, i cant think. when im like that... im a real monster. im a real freak. im so scared of screwing up and losing kitkat too. im so scared that im gonna fuck it all up and im gonna be alone again. i dont wanna be too much. i dont wanna be annoying to him. it's fine with strangers. they dont matter.
▪ kitkat matters. he matters so much. and if i screw this up, he won't even hate me, and it'll hurt worse when he won't want anything to do with me. i don't know what i'd do. i wanna tell him that if he leaves i'll die. but that means he'd be my captive or something. i dont want that. maybe it's how im supposed to be. isnt that what it is? 'fell' types are all wrong and bad and twisted, 'tale' types are good and honest and bright. i dont think that classification makes sense.
▪ i think tale types have families that care about them and love them and want them around even when they do things that disappoint them. fell types dont have that. fell types have to pull themselves up and play the game on hard mode. im tired of playing on hard mode. i want to play on easy or normal. i want to just laugh and not worry about how many lives i got. i wanna fall in a spike pit and just magically be ok cause im invincible. i wanna be asked if i wanna skip the level cause it's too hard.
▪ tale types are pokemon casual plays. fell types are nuzlocke plays.
▪ whats this got to do with sex lmfao im so retarded im so nuts. i just keep talking and none of it makes sense and i wish i wasnt so scared. he keeps telling me it'll be okay and that he'll love me regardless but the thought of it breaks me into pieces. like i know that it doesn't work that way. everybody's got a line that once it's crossed, that's it. there's a reason im the most annoying guy in the underground. i dont tell you i love you, i fill your shoes with slime and laugh at you when you break your face on the pavement.
▪ i can't even say i love you without cringing. it's not you that's cringe, it's me. i'm cringe. i dont know who i am without all the jokes and shit. i dont like who i am without it. i think im still that kid that eats his valentines cards.
