#!hurt

you remember the first time you met seungmin. it was in year 11 high school, a while back now. you remember how it was raining the day you met, you remember how he was sitting in your allocated seat (the back row on the left). you remember how it was science class with the teacher who had bad teeth. you remember his bug eyes wide while scrolling through his phone and his fringe sitting on the top of his square glasses. you thought he was cute, in his own world mindlessly focused on his phone.

and you especially remember the way his head turned slightly as he was looking at his phone, bottom lip gently being chewed on while he was deep in thought.

but all of that seems distant now when you can feel the lump in your throat, almost like you're going to cough. "i think i like you?" you say in a confused tone, basically like a question you probably meant to think and not say out loud.

it had been about 7 years since you'd known seungmin, best friends ever since. he had been there through everything. your break ups, your ups and downs and you for his. you'd seen each other naked, seen the worst of each other but also the best. you had grown together as friends but more importantly as individuals. he cooked and you cleaned, it was a give and take.

seungmin had recently broken up with his partner of 2 years, and for some reason everything about them gave you the irk. the way they looked at him, the way they talked to him and especially the way they kissed him. every time you witnessed the displays of affection, a low twinge would sink into your chest. 'i just don't like them.' you'd say whenever seungmin confronted you about your attitude.

"you what?" seungmin laughs lightly, attention turning from the tv to you, chowing down on the kebab he had bought after you and your friends had a night out.

you take a sip of the coke in your hand, "yeah, i dunno."

seungmin laughs once more before realising that you might be serious. his expression turns sour, lip curling upward, "psh, you wish." he jokes, trying to brush off the probably drunk talk.

you needed to try something.

"seungmin, hey." you try to say softly, but it comes out more like a demand for attention. "i'm gonna try something."

he turns his gaze to you, eyebrows raised and mouth probably still full of kebab and kind of looking like a chipmunk. you stare at his lips, and you feel like he knows what you're going to do in a way. he swallows, but does nothing, just sits still and waits for your next move.

your kiss is gentle, lips just barely pressing to his. but within a moment you feel him press back against you, almost aggressively. it sends jolts down to your lower stomach, strokes of tingles running up and down your body. you can feel the way he's asking for permission to enter, just to taste a bit more.

so you allow him entry, feeling the softness of his breath against your lips as he changes directions. you let out a soft whine as he kisses you deeper, his body now aiming to lean over yours.

"'fuck.'" you pull back before he can deepen the kiss that's possibly gone too far. he's left slightly confused, but continues to take another bite of his kebab, as if nothing happened.

you groan in annoyance, arms falling beside you, coke spilling on the ground. "fuck, i do like you."

he chuckles, definitely not even worried about what just happened, "makes sense why you didn't like my ex, how long?"

-

you didn't talk for a day after, trying to process everything that happened. you left his house without a single thought, fleeing the crime scene you left behind.

it was a waiting game, seeing who would cave an text first. it wasn't like you hadn't kissed him before, a few times over the years - just as an affectionate gesture of how much you loved your best friends (which mostly happened when you were drunk).

as if ripping you from your thoughts you hear your phone buzzing on your lap.

"shit." you mumble under your breath, looking at the flashing photo of seungmin. it was one he sent you back in your days at university together when he did a charity event for kids. extra credit and all.

you let out a defeated groan, flapping your hands on the couch. you let out a held breath, composing yourself in time to answer the phone, you know that he'll just call ten more times if you don't answer, he always did.

"what?" you say stern, it was common for you to answer the phone like this.

"what?" seungmin mocks you before speaking plainly, "what you doin' tomorrow?"

you get up from the couch, walking towards your bedroom just to get your body to move. "nothing, day off."

"let's go out."

-

so yeah, this is how you ended up in this situation. you had been out a few times, just getting dinner but everything seemed normal at first? he hadn't made a move, just bought you dinner and taken you out more than usual. he didn't hug you like he used to, if anything he was keeping his physical distance. you were beginning to think he just wanted to forget about it, the kiss and the whole damn night of flirting you seemed to forget you did. it had been a month since this mess, a damn month.

you had spoken to a few of your other friends about it but no one had answers. anxiety welled up in your chest anytime you wanted to bring it up, knowing that the answer might not be the one you want.

it was getting to the point where you could barely sleep.

-

it was about the seventh time seungmin had invited you out on a 'date'. the clouds were hovering in the sky, looming over as if a bad omen. you two had decided to go and get some new clothes, but ended up with nothing but bubble tea and a few snacks, a recurring theme in your friendship all these years.

seungmin was talking about a new game he was playing, speaking intently about how his kill count was better than the rest of your friend group.

you looked down at his hand, just hanging by his side idly. you wanted to hold it, to feel his hands in yours. you were desperate to know what it was like with these new found feelings. to get even just a taste of the feeling you had that night you kissed.

so in step, you muster the courage to do so. you grab one of his fingers as you both continued to talk, hoping he would think nothing of it. unfortunately you were met by a jolt, seungmin pulling his hand back within a second.

he pretended it didn't happen, continuing to talk about whatever he was just now.

you stop in your tracks. it only took him a moment to notice, his expression blank as he turns to you. "you good?" he questions, taking a sip of his bubble tea.

"is it me?" you spit, anger laced in your tone.

"what?"

"what the fuck are we doing seungmin? is it me?"

he lets out a breath, rolling his eyes, as if he know exactly what he was doing. "i don't know what you mean."

he was playing dumb. he knows exactly what he did, he knows exactly how you feel. he's the one that asked you out, he's the one who asked to take this further.

"we go on dates, well," you huff, "not even-"

"and?" he questions interrupting you, feigning ignorance slapped on his face.

"are you... embarrassed of this? of what we're doing? are you just doing this not to hurt me? the fuck is wrong with you?"

he licks his lips, eyes avoiding you at all costs. "i genuinely don't know what you mean."

you scoff, the audacity of him taking you by surprise. "don't play dumb."

he says nothing, eyes downcast and guilty.

"you don't just- just kiss me back, then call me and ask me out and leave me hanging for a fucking month, a month seungmin! if you don't have feelings for me then fucking tell me. i'm not a little fucking baby, i can handle it." you feel tears well in your eyes, your tone accusatory and pointed.

''it's not that-"

you control yourself, resisting the urges to cry, "oh what is it then? you just enjoying playing with me like you played with your ex for those last six months?"

seungmin juts his jaw, anger sudden and present in his expression. "that's unfair."

you smile in disbelief, tongue running over your teeth, feeling almost insane at this point. "it's not."

you both stand in silence, trying to grasp at the right words to say but you're just hurt. so fucking hurt and you don't know if you'll ever be able to recover from this. seungmin knows you hate dishonesty even if it hurts, but he can't muster the courage to tell you what's really bothering him. you're surprised by his next move.

"it's you!" he blurts out, definitely yelling at this point.

"oh so it is me? i'm the fucking problem?! are you that embarrassed to be with me? do you just...not love me? ugh, fuck you seung-"

he raises his free hand forward in submission, trying to rectify his point, "it's because it's you. it's just... you." his expression turns somber as he speaks.

you frown, mouth open ready to say something, nothing comes out but, "elaborate."

seungmin sighs before throwing his bubble tea now empty into his bag. "it's just..." he trails off. you give him a moment. he had always been like this, not knowing the right words to say.

"i've been having trouble with... this." he speaks slowly, his eyes avoiding your own, gesturing between the two of you.

"obviously," you say in a snarky tone.

seungmin points to the set of benches near by. you walk before him, sitting down on the bench. he slowly sits next to you, little too close for the moment, his thigh is basically melded against your own. you were used to it after all, knowing each other all these years. closeness wasn't something you were afraid of but now, it made you uneasy.

"i know you like to interrupt but just... hear me out, okay?"

your lips curl to the side as you fold your arms over your chest at his remark, he's right though.

you just nod, willing to hear what your best friend has to say. any answer is better than not knowing what the hell was going on.

"that night you kissed me," he begins, looking out to the dark clouds, "it honestly... i don't even know what to think of it. i kept replaying it in my head, it's not like we haven't kissed before you know, and the fact that i kissed you back..."

you nod at him, understanding what he's beginning to say. fuck, he's going to do it. he's going to break my fucking heart.

he sighs, his hands fumbling in front of him, "it kind of makes sense doesn't it? you know my ex and i... i was completely empty for those last six months. they started to, i guess, notice things about you."

you frown in thought trying to put a finger on what he was talking about, arms still folded in front of you.

he starts speaking again after taking in a deep breath. "there was a night before we broke up. they couldn't stand you, couldn't stand the relationship we had and how long we had been friends. i just assumed it was because they were insecure, not because of us. but i think-" he pauses for a moment, gathering his thoughts, "i think they knew you liked me and that i favoured you over them. maybe they just saw it before we did."

you speak after a moment of silence, "before saw what? our feelings?"

"yeah," seungmin laughs, his head jerking to the side, "sexual tension so thick you could cut it with knife apparently."

you hum, kind of picking up the pieces now, sensing the direction it's going. "alright..."

he stands up and speaks plainly while walking in a circle, feet kicking some rocks on the ground, "you know every time you've stayed over, prior to you know, that night. i honestly just..."

"seungmin-" you interrupt, standing from your seat.

"let me finish." he says sternly, eyes still wondering around anywhere but you. "after we broke up, i started noticing things about you. like... things. maybe even before."

you hum, sucking on your top lip, listening intently to what he's saying. you're doing your best not to interrupt, words practically wanting to jump out of your mouth but you know he needs some time to speak carefully, to form the words he needs.

"you remember when you stayed at mine the night after i broke up with my ex?"

you think hard, remembering how confused he was that it happened. he never told you the exact details of what went on but you know if it was necessary to tell you he would of.

"mhm..." you nod, letting him continue.

"i thought, i thought i was just looking for comfort. you're my best fucking friend, and yeah, that's what best friend's do you know? and what i was thinking about you was just... nah. i hated myself for it, hated that i looked at you differently. hated that my ex knew exactly what i was thinking without me even knowing. it just all makes sense but, but now. what they said made so much sense, everything i do ends up with you, it always has."

he takes another breath in, hands messily pushing his hair back. he looks frustrated, like he's saying the wrong words.

"when you were in my bed that night, in my t-shirt, the one you always wear when you come over. saying you like how it smells every damn time you wear it, it drives me insane."

seungmin sits back down, his eyes tense and searching yours. it's silent for a moment. he nudges your leg, "help me out, please?"

you laugh, grin spreading across your face, kindness in your tone as you speak, "i thought you told me not to speak."

he was just scared. just scared of this. scared of what this would become. and you were too, he just showed it differently than you did.

he smiles softly, realising that he should have come to you, talk to instead of pushing you away. he huffs, "am i making any sense?"

"yeah, not really."

he sighs, rubbing his face in his hands. "i'm sorry. i'm just not sure how to go about this, and i just, feel like i'm doing something wrong if you want to touch me. i know you want to take this further and trust me i do as well but i'm just so fucking nervous. i don't know why, i've seen you naked a bunch of times and not cared."

"here," you say holding out your hand, "gimme."

he's hesitant for a bit, turning his eyes to ogle down at your hand, nerves building in his body. as soon as he feels his skin come in contact with yours, all the blood in his body seems to streamline straight to his hands, fingers alighting when he softly presses his palm into yours, carefully melding your fingers together.

"this okay?" you question, searching his face for answers.

"yeah... yeah it is."

"you could have just told me." you scoff, "you're such a bitch when it comes to your feelings."

he laughs at your remark but doesn't retort, just stands up pulling you with him. "where we going? we're not done!"

you walk hand in hand for a bit, checking in with him every now and then to see if he's okay with this. you don't want him to jolt again, nightmare fuel that was. you both agree that you'll talk more in depth when you get back his, knowing it's important to communicate since this is a seven year friendship, not just someone you had a meet-cute with. you end up talking about his game again, and notice how he squeezes you hand slightly whenever he gets excited.

-

the clouds had finally let out the rain they had been holding in since the morning, it throws you back to the day you met seungmin. but all of this, it still feels surreal, fairies dancing in your heart making it thump with excitement.

it didn't take long until you're both splayed out in the back seat of his car, your body on top of his. not one of you dare speak a word, not wanting to ruin this perfect moment of white noise from the rain mixed in with the sound of your own heated breaths.

you had so many questions, so many things you needed to know. when did he start? did he always like me?

but for now, with his soft large lips against your neck, trailing their way to your jaw slowly and precisely, you knew it was all you needed.

it was always you, always had been.

-

a/n: I THINK I WANNA DO A PART 2???????? HELLA maybe ill make it smutty