Ouf

They cards don’t lie 🫵🏼

your work is appreciated

It’s 1:30 am and I’m cackling like a deranged witch

In the bathroom and cascada every time we touch just came on and the girl in the stall next to me was like oh my god this is my song and started peeing harder

@kedreeva can I interest you in a cool peacock craft in these trying times

Every time she bent a new piece of wire I, out loud, went "oh! OH!" She's just making things! She's just bending a peacock into existence with her bare hands. Beautiful.

My funniest ventriloquism story starts with the fact that I was obsessed with ventriloquism from a young age. I used to obsessively practice speaking without moving my lips, practicing the different tongue and air tricks and everything. Then I got sick with Bell’s Palsy, and it hit both sides of my face at the same time. Bell’s Palsy is like a headcold that hits your facial nerves. Anyway- This meant my entire face was paralyzed. I couldn’t speak using my lips. The doctor stared at me, dumbfounded that I was able to speak very fluently without my face moving at all.

This transition is straight out of a horror movie

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

dude stop telling me to count dracula I only ever see the one

Booty (licious)

Pussy (vicious)

Cock (nutritious)

Tits (malicious)

Merry (christmas)

It’s like that mafia crew that made a pizza joint as a front but their pizza was so good they just went legit