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Big Tw for ED

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Hello, I am currently in recovery for an restrictive type eating disorder. If this kind of content triggers you please just block this account and leave. <3

Ill use this Blog to vent and just generally exist. I wont post/reblog thinspo or any other kind of inspo and I dont want a buddy or coach! I dont have a problem with the pr0 4n4 community here, just try to understand that Im trying to recover.

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Here are some facts about me:

You can call me Luna

Im 21 years old

Im from germany

My fav color is pink

I study computer science at Uni

My hobbies include working out, drawing, loving my adorable boyfriend and journaling

Im a huge fan of League of Legends, Pokemon, Dark Souls, Animal Crossing and the Marval Universe.

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If you also struggle with an ed and want to reach out my dm's are allways open.

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Okay but why is my response to ANYTHING literally A N Y T H I N G going wrong in my life just: Starve yourself :)

I literally just wrote an exam and I think I did really bad, so the first thing I did was start a fasting timer.

Why is my head like this????? I instantly felt better too???

I hate it here I just want a normal brain :(

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Went swimming today for the first time in forever. At a public pool. I even wore a bikini.

It felt ... okay? I guess. Im not sure I was kind of uncomfterbale, I dont like showing orher people so much of my body. I didnt have a panic attack or anything though, even ate some fries.

Beeing with freinds made the whole thing a lot more enjoyable though. Im really reallly glad to have such good friends. I feel at home whenever Im with them. Like Im really worth something, like Im really loved. <3

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Im going to have to put posting food logs on hold for a while.

Ive been going through sort of a mini relapse and Ive been restricting more again. Feeling worse about my weight. I dont want to trigger anyone or make anybody feel uncomfterbale by "showing off" how little im eating right now.

I know Im doing it to cope with all the stress of exam season. Im trying very hard to be kind to myself in these times but its tough.

Whenever my life gets hard I blame everything on my weight and body and try super hard to control what Im eating. Its sort of a reach for help, to control anything I can.

This will pass though Im certain of it and when Im less stressed I can embrace recovery for all its beauty again. ♡

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Loving yourself everyday is hard. Its okay to have bad days. Its okay to have low self esteem days and days where you want to do nothing but lay in bed.

Just dont let them define you. Youre worthy of love, youre worthy of food. Even if you dont feel like it some days. ♡

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Something Im trying to get myself to accept is that recovery isnt aesthetic. Its not suddely making healthy instagram worthy meals and eating them by sunset with freinds.

Its ugly, its hard. Its crying over an Apple. Its laying in bed feeling horrible for eating a normal amount of food. Its a million relapses and a huge amount of self hatred.

Sometimes I wonder if its worth it. Sometimes I wonder if ill ever fully recover. But I know I need to not give up. There is a goal at the end of this rocky road and I belive I can reach it. I owe it to my body. Ive been so unkind to it for the longest time.

Maybe Itll take weeks, months, years.

I dont care.

It will get better.

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Found out Im allergic to soy today. :| One one hand its nice to know why Ive been so extremly bloated the past days. Like now I finally have a cause.

On the other hand I love Miso soup, tofu and soy sauce. Sad girl hours :(

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Food Log ♡ 15.06.22

Breakfast ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀

Almond Milk Coffee

I know its bad that I didnt really have breakfast, but I went out drinking yesterday with my freinds. It was a really fun night but the morning after I felt so sick I couldnt eat. I thought Id throw up if I did. Also slept in and was almost late for uni so I only had time for coffee. :/

Lunch ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀

Vegan Sushi Mix

Kimchi

Sushi was very yummy. Felt like trying the vegan Mix today, normally I allways go for salmon or tuna, wich I also love. Sushi is one of my all time favorite foods, but it kind of turned into a fear food for no reason recently. I kept wanting some but never picking any up at the grocery store. Im glad I finally managed to get myself some and eat it. It was absolutley delish!!!

Dinner ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀

Homemade Miso Soup with green onions, mushrooms and silk tofu

I found traditional silk tofu at my local grocery store today. So I just KNEW I had to use it to make miso. Ive made miso soup a lot of times and its pretty easy to cook at home as long as youve got the paste. It was super good!

Snacks ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀

Ginger shot

Chocolate Brownie Protien Bar

Kiwi, Lime and Apple Smoothie

Sour Cream Pommbär Crisps

Had a lot of snacks today, well "snacks". I dont really count the shot and the Smoothie. Im trying to incorporate more stuff into my diet that helps reduce bloating, since Im having a lot of issues with it recently. Ginger and Kiwi are supposed to help, same with Chia seeds. Ill see if I get better.

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Not a very good day to be honest. Im upset that I basically missed breakfast, even though my snacks made up for it. I felt bloated as hell all day too. Only good part was making the Miso soup. I really love that stuff 10/10