Am I real?

Everything is spiraling. I just feel sad all the time. Pain. So much fucking pain. It hurts to be alive and I just want it to end.

I can't breathe. Feeling like im suffocating. Trapped. Release me. Let me go. Please just let me fucking go.

What is wrong with me? Fuck. I don't know what I am. I don't know why I don't think about it. I don't know why I had interest before and now I have to force myself to think about sex. Or force myself to even try. When I was younger I know that I wanted it. I know that I had thoughts about it. But now... I only seemed to care when I wanted to get pregnant. What is wrong with me? Fuck.

We had friends over for my birthday last night. I was surrounded by people who were there for ME, and I couldn't feel more alone. I felt like I'd tune in every now and again to be aware of what was happening... but otherwise, the words coming out of my mouth - The things I was doing- I felt like a puppet that I definitely wasn't controlling. Then here I am the next morning feeling completely detached from any of the positivity that came from that experience last night. It's not for me. It's isn't mine. How do I stop feeling like this? I want it to be mine.

Sometimes I just feel like the social media manager/functional face of this body. Like I am just around to set things in order and make sure life doesn't fall apart. But I'm not actually attached to or really care about this life. It's not mine.