Hey there folks, just posting a quick update, I've been quiet across all my blogs for a while now, a while being a couple of months on some blogs, a couple years on my older accounts.
I'm currently pursuing some long-term treatment after what they're calling a severe episode of recurrent major depressive disorder with psychotic features - which sounds more complicated and scary than it is.
The gist is that I'm not regulating my emotions in a healthy way, self-harming again, I've dropped alot of weight and have been in a medical decline for a while now, and like that wasn't enough on my plate, I'm starting to experience auditory, visual, and sensory hallucinations in hand with that.
It's nothing severe, I'm really lucky that I'm able to tell that they're hallucinations when they happen, but it's just one more difficult thing to deal with on top of my c-ptsd, resulting in me having very, very little energy to do anything with.
There are alot of threads and concepts I've really been excited about in the moments where I don't feel like I'm suffocating. I'm really big into Overwatch right now especially - I missed the train on that one back in the day so I've been exploring the lore and aus and setting at my own pace - I still have a long-standing fascination with Bioshock, I'm extremely fond of the RDR2 setting still, and I really, really wish I had gotten to do more roleplay with my Far Cry 5 original character.
But I just don't have it in me to be consistent, and it's gotten to the point I can't promise I will again. I've had recurrent severe depression for a long time, and it seems like every single time I get my feet under me, I just get knocked down again the moment I start trying, to the point I've stopped approaching and plotting with people entirely because I know I won't be able to follow through. It's ridiculous because I have so much, so much I want to share and bring to people who I admire, but I know it's just going to be another letdown in the end from my part.
And I feel like such shit because of it, because I want to write roleplay. I really, really fucking want to, I miss, and crave, being creative with other people, being able to keep up the running conversation of what-if and plotting and character dynamic. I get alot of enjoyment out of it, and I know alot of people will say that my well-being comes first, but the situation is that i'm mourning the joy that roleplay contributed to my life and the social side of it that has made me so many good friends throughout the years.
In my own way I'm lonelier for my own mental illness by way of my own hand. I crave being creative with people again, but I just keep hitting the gutter, again, and again, and again, drained beyond all reasonable limits by just waking up in the first place, and I both don't want people to see me fail anymore, and I don't want to get their hopes up that I can improve. This both goes for roleplay and life in general, a vague wish to not exist anymore, coupled with the cowardice of not being able to act on anything about it, for better or for worse.
I've decided to hang up my hat for roleplaying in general as a result. I want to tack something on at the end here, say something like until I'm better, but I keep getting to that point where I think I'm there, I think I'm gonna be alright, and I wake up the next morning, after being so excited the night before and full of concepts and ideas and plans, and I'm in hell all over again - there's been multiple times where I've woken up in the bed I bought with my own fucking money and my own fucking job and my own fucking time spent to do it, and for the first thirty minutes of my day, think I'm sixteen locked in my childhood bedroom again, hoping that someday I'll have a place of my own. And then I did, I got out, and it didn't fucking matter.
I really miss being able to write with people and having the creative back and forth. It's been one of the biggest joys I've had as a writer to have that experience, with people I both still talk to now, and haven't spoken to in years. I think about it often when I'm unwell, and it brings me comfort just as often as it makes me miserable that I don't have the energy, social battery, the will to act and experience that again. I've always been an isolated person when I'm unwell, and I don't want people to think they've done anything wrong to where I'm not talking to them.
Writing this has gotten away from me, but I wanted to explain in a broad statement because if I have to type this out to more than one person, I never will, and if I try to rewrite it now in a nicer tone with a more hopeful message, I'll never hit post. I just wanted people who still think about me and message me to know what's happening, people who I've known for eight years counting and people I wish I could be getting to know better now, so altogether they know I'm still here when I can't get the words out, and that I do care, and things do matter to me, but I just don't. It's me that just doesn't matter to myself, and I don't care what I want when instead I could just sleep and be unconscious and nonexistent. And I can't get over that hurdle yet, but if it's of any reassurance, there is still a want to try. in some part of me that loves my partner and loves my friends and forgets to be miserable some few hours every couple days, and I'm hoping that the doctors I'll be in contact with can help me with that.
Anyways, that's the update. Bleaker than I intended, but it's been a bleak time for me.
