it's all done now.

I don't know, when she found out? It's okay, though, I like the dramatics, it's one of my favorite things about you. I think she just used the wrong tactics when she was training you for that particular task, the consensus seems to be that people picked me because I'm too nice. The tough approach is too obvious.

Gross. Don’t imply anything about me is likable, it’ll make me break out into hives. She actually showed me an entire presentation on why niceness is in fact the quickest way to an empire’s downfall. It might be useful in the beginning but the issue is that your niceness is genuine. Maybe that’s why I fail to see how you won that poll: because I know you have a heart despite your bloodline’s best efforts.

Hey thanks buddy, I appreciate it. What else is in the top five, can you remember?

The number one spot is still occupied by the time you convinced me that motor oil would get blood stains out of clothes when you were 9. I should blame myself for believing you, but I refuse to give you absolution.

Have you ever been in love, Dex?

This question filled me with such a terrible emotion. The best way to describe it is how I imagine it'd feel to have a kindergartener with poorly developed motor skills remove your fingernails one by one, and then forcefeed you a mixture of raw milk and spoiled cabbage. All while the fourth season of Will Schuester's reality show plays on a loop in the background.

Let's do an experiment. When was the last time you got laid, babe?

Some people have decorum. Do you know that?

Gosh, I know. Isn't he just the dreamiest? He's like if you took a Disney prince and mixed him with one of those guys from a romance novel with cartoons on the cover because that's how you know it's gonna be spicy. He's like, literal perfection.

None of those words would have ever made their way through my brain, much less to the point where I typed them all onto the internet for the entire world to see.

Annual reminder that I do not eat gluten or dairy for this year's Thanksgiving. @syldexter

That information has already been passed along to the caterers. Don't worry, if there is so much as a drop of milk in your dishes, then there will be consequences.

You think so? Maybe i should invest in it more then. You seen like they type of smart business man i should listen to.

While you're right about me being a smart man that you should listen to, I have no knowledge of ins and outs of the feet pic industry. And, with minimal offense, I'm not interested in becoming an expert just to pass it on to you.

"After the news broke"... You're so dramatic, Dex. You're definitely Mom's son. Maybe the Sri Lanka ticket was for her. That or you'd better start working on your stealth.

What else would you call it? After democracy itself crumbled before our very eyes, when left became right and upside down became rightside up? You could be right about the ticket. She could be fleeing the country in the wake of her clear mistake in preparing the wrong child to bring destruction.

Yeah, but not Asimov's robot, which was my point. Oh, yeah, tragically my devastating lack of testosterone really ruins my chances then.

Correct, I'm far superior. My condolences for your loss in that regard.

And when does being subtle get you what you want, Dex?

We're not talking about me so that question is pointless. I'm saying it's something you could benefit from.

I have no idea. Maybe both. Oh you think so? Ive already started making money by selling one of them pictures of my feet.

Of course you have. I suppose that's probably lucrative if the whole mouth thing ever stops being profitable on its own.

Okay, that's fair. What's the time limit for you before I get to deploy the search party?

And why would you do something like that?

I am like proud but also slightly horrified by how many people want to take my boyfriend to pound town.

You have an attractive boyfriend. What else would you expect?