I'll fly

Yeah, you do that.

[He watches her carefully, biting his bottom lip when she hurls herself at him. Caleb slips his arms around her, hugging her close against him, stooped down to more comfortably hug her. He shushes her gently as she speaks, shaking his head.]

Shh. You don’t need to apologise to me, Syd. I should’ve helped you more. 

[She blinks up at him, attempting to collect herself] 

I don’t know what I’m going to do...Sebastian’s probably going to judge every move I make from now on and Zach--god, I should never make rash decisions.

It’s not your fault, Caleb, honestly--it would’ve happened sooner or later. I’ve just gotta make sure my head doesn’t explode or anything.

Caleb’s eyebrows lift, the crease between them smoothing out as Sydney murmurs about her intention, and his shakes his head a bit.]

I know you didn’t, Sydney. I know. 

[He bites down on his lower lip, wanting to hug her but not sure if he should - not sure if she’d be okay with it. So he wrings his hands awkwardly, not quite sure what to do with them.]

I uh… I missed you, y’know. I’m glad you’re back. 

[She forces another smile, deciding to inch closer to him--because, strangely, it didn't feel like he was out to get her. And Sydney needed that. What she had missed so much--the warmth that her friends brought--she feared she’d lack from the second she set foot back in the city.]

[Without another word, Sydney finds herself launching all of her just over five foot frame at Caleb, burying her face in the crook of his neck--which was a stretch, considering their height difference.]

I needed h-help, Caleb, but I couldn't ask anyone for it and that sc--scared me and I’m just sorry, okay? I’m really sorry.

Funny you asked, then.

[Seb looks her over for a moment crossing his arms. It’s apparent that Sydney’s shaken by Seb’s words–but dammit, she should be. Sydney of all people should understand that it just wasn’t okay to up and leave like that.]

Yeah, probably.

[He shifts his arms a little bit, looking down at the ground.] So where’d you go, anyway? Or why, might be a better question.

[Sydney takes half a step back, clenching her fist so that her nails dug into her palm.] I was...It felt like I had those days, you know? The days where, even if I looked intensely into a mirror, I still didn't see myself. And that was scary. That, and--I’m just so tired of carrying this anxiety with me, Sebastian. It’s like a constant weight on my shoulders. And you know I've struggled with it--why do you think I’d been flightier than usual on days when I should’ve been taking care of my business?

It had nothing to do with you, or with your brother. It had to do with me accepting that there is something wrong with me. And there’s--there are people who look at me like I’m the most precious stone in the world and I kind of just want to scream at them because they don’t know the half of it. Yes, I know that had I just opened up to you, to Holden, to Zach--hell, to Caleb, I wouldn't have run. But humans....We’re not meant to solve everything so precisely. And I’m really, truly sorry that I just left you in the dust but I didn't know what else to do.

[She exhales shakily, willing herself to stay collected in front of Sebastian.It works, for about a minute. And as a tear falls, she manages to get out more words.]

I didn't expect everything to be all hunky dory, nor did I ever expect to use that phrase ever in my life, but--again,  I’m sorry I left you with the brunt of the impact. And that’s really all I can say, because it’s pointless to make up excuses and this and that. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if both of you were done with me. I struggled with that on the train ride over here, but it’s--it’s one of the things my therapist said I had to be prepared for. So...I am.

He blinks out of his thoughts when he sees the emotion on Syd’s face, giving her a tiny smile of his own, brow still pinched a little.]

Heya, Syd. S’been a while, huh?

Kinda.

[It’s a stupid attempt at humor, maybe a little sarcasm, but it’s all she’s got at the moment. All that’s running through her mind is the pain she’s inflicted on Zach and, indubitably, that was going to hit Sebastian. So she knows she’s in for some sort of trouble. And, oh, she hates that Caleb’s probably caught in the middle of it.] 

I didn't mean to hurt them. 

[Sydney squares her jaw, taking a half step forward and then backwards--she’s not sure what to do, doesn't know if words will ever be enough, because she’s fairly certain her departure’s going to be seen as an excuse, a cop-out. Which is funny, because she’s definitely not the type to take the easy route.]

You’re right. You did fuck up. And you probably don’t deserve to know, either. I mean, a fucking phone call, or a text, or anything might’ve helped. The way you were gone, you might as well have been dead. 

[He waves his hand dismissively.] But that’s all just hindsight. Right now it might be important to either give my brother a call or go to the apartment yourself and see, because there’s no way I’m relaying anything to you.

I don’t expect you to.

[Her words are soft, and despite being inside a building, she’s abnormally chilly. She debates asking about Zach--but again, it’s not really her place to.And she won’t give him any explanations--partly because they’ll sound like excuses and it’s abundantly clear that they won’t be worth a thing. Sydney can’t help but think that if this had happened a year ago, she would've been a little bit stronger. But now, she’s not so sure. She squares her jaw, clearing her throat and willing the stinging in the corners of her eyes to go away.] 

I--I should, um, get on that.

I… Syd?

Hi, Caleb.

So… are you back for good, then? Or is this another flash in the pan?

No, I’m done running. 

[She shoves her hands in her pockets, biting her lip] I fucked up, Sebastian. I did...what I saw so many other people do--you know, the kind of people in the movies you hate for running from their shit at the worst possible second. I didn't come back here for forgiveness. I’m not going to grovel or ask you to understand even a fraction of--well, any of it. I’m not going to fish out any excuses, because there are none. And I know that. 

[She pauses, forcing herself to swallow] I don’t even deserve to know how Zach’s doing, either. I don’t...I don’t know what to do, really.

So, again, when Seb was walking back to Zach’s apartment to pick up some things to bring to Caleb’s, the last person he ever expected to see was Sydney. Yet there she was, fumbling with her keys, and Seb could only stare.]

Sydney?

In the flesh. [She answered softly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.]