John The Baptist

Firstly I want to apologies for being absent for a few days. Its kinda my thing I guess because I get so overloaded with work and the hours I do I literally dont get time to work things out properly and sit down and have a moments peace to myself. 

Not only that but Work has been extremely stressful but I sadly cant talk about it. All I will say is I have been getting triggered a lot latley and I’m really struggling to deal with it at work.

So I’m looking at now trying to move away and get another better job. Hoping my coding and interest in computers and programs pays off because I’ve always been the IT person where ever I have worked at so I’m trying to get into a few different traineeships to just better myself I guess. Find something less stressful.

Thats it, thats my lil rant.

Hey guys so today I was feeling good. When I get days off I feel like I need more time off and well thats constant with work atm.

However today I realized something, I realized why I don’t feel comfortable in a relationship, or why I don’t want to get into one.

You see I dated this guy several months back, last year we started dating and it was all good but there was redflags. Like who the fuck says “ I kissed a girl today” to their girlfriend and expect it to be all ok. It was a statement made to make me get triggered and also the fact that it never really happened says something even more.

But this ex...well hes been known to stalk and harasses people he obsesses over. in the relationship a lot of things contributed to me breaking up with him. Five months into the relationship and I knew I had to call it off.

When most people see their ex’s they are usually hit with a want to get back, but this...this scared the shit out of me.

I wanted to go for coffee, which I eventually did, but where I was at was in a place thats a bit far off for him. He’s not a local and he walked into a mall that has one big grocery store, alcohol shop, bakery and the cofee shop I went to. So to walk in there and then walk out with nothing? thats suspicious as fuck.

I broke up with him to get free, because the relationship was smothering me.

So seeing him and knowing that theres no reason for him to be here because for him to go shopping at...well he has a shopping center with everything at it less then five minutes away from where he lives. So to travel almost 30 minues to go to a small little mall just doesn’t add up. unless he came to meet someone there, which would have been at the coffee shop, then yeah ok. But he didn’t go there. Idk where he went but when I saw him again I kept my head down and had a plan already set to get to safety. I know the coffee shop owner and he doesn’t tolerate this shit very well.

But this event made me understand that my fear of getting into a relationship isn’t just because of this one ex possibly stalking me forever, but the fact that I might end up with another person the same or worse. I feel like if I  get into a relationship again I will fall into this vicious cycle and I can’t go through that over and over again.

I also felt like I needed to get this off my chest because yes it scared the shit out of me. Me who knows material arts and knows how to not only defend myself but also put someone in several different jujitsu locks, ways to knock someone out or injure them to get away. Me who knows several different escape routes and has family close by. Yes I was shit scared. I have been with other guys and yes even one ex I see from time to time out and about and we are civil. I can deal with that. but this guy...sometimes people put out the wrong vibes, and sometimes that energetic vibe is dark and evil and thats all I felt from this guy. He scares me like as if hes ted bundy. 

But he is also the reason I now understand my fear of relationships.