Don't judge me!

Made a protest poster, well is actually a small watercolor, but it can be used for safe, lawful demonstration. It's free to use. Feel free to save it, print it, use it for signs.

Made a protest poster, well is actually a small watercolor, but it can be used for safe, lawful demonstration. It's free to use. Feel free to save it, print it, use it for signs.

Because I feel like I'll never find someone to be my favorite person, and that this loneliness will persist forever... But that can't actually be true right? People meet each other over 40 all the time... So how do they do that? I need advice from people who have been there and done it successfully.

If you're not ready for the sudden favorite depression yoga pose, the downward spiral, then stop here and scroll on. You don't wanna read the next part.

Am I really meant to finish this life by myself? Maybe there is some cosmic or karmic lesson I'm meant to learn for the next life and to do that I must struggle with this loneliness and grow somehow. I honestly don't know. I feel restless. Like I no longer fit inside my body. Like this skin became a carapace to protect my squishy and sensitive inside bits while enduring years of emotional neglect by partners and family who were too emotionally immature and/or selfish to show up and be accountable, and that shell is now too small and too tight, but its also too hard , so it won't split open and let me out. I know it's a sign that I'm growing, that I'm on the precipice of something... But the picture is fuzzy and hard to make out, and most days I don't even believe it's real. I literally have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm aware that no one else knows either. I feel completely inadequate in every regard. There are people out there who perceive me as a badass who is tough and confident, or some sort of talented artist, and those couldn't be further from the truth. I'm weak. I hide when it gets hard. I check out. I dissociate. I push everyone away so they never find out that everything they see is a lie, that I'm worthless. I don't have any talent. I have very expensive learned skills that aren't even that good because I'm too lazy to practice, and they aren't actually useful, they were a waste of resources and time.

Do I want to be that badass some people see me as for real and not have it just be a mask? Sure, but I just don't know how to do that, not really, and I'm too lazy. Do I want to be recognized as a talented artist? Absolutely, but again, I'm too lazy.

I never believed I'd ever live this long, so I never had a plan. What do people do at this point?

I know no one will read this. That's partly why I post this shit here.... So if one day, I'm found dead, mysteriously, and everyone says " I had no idea, I never saw it coming" they can find this account and maybe find peace knowing that it wasn't "out of nowhere" but I didn't want to burden them with it.

I don't want to burden you with any of this. It's really heavy to carry, and I gotta figure out how to carry it myself, because y'all have your own deep dark shit you're grappling with, and you don't need mine adding to the weight.

I'm drowning and it doesn't matter because no one cares. I don't have a real community or a family. No connections. I did this to myself so why should anyone care? They shouldn't.