hi people. I was supposed to shoot a video explaining everything, but this text post will have to do. sorry if this becomes really long - but it’s my blog, and my post so…

if you’re following me, you’ve maybe noticed that I haven’t really posted or reblogged anything (except for a few exceptions) for like 4 months now. my break from Tumblr originally started when me and my host family went on vacation in May - our vacation cottage didn’t have Wi-Fi so I didn’t have any internet for a week. so, after we got back, I was like “it will take me forever to go through all the posts on my dash from the past week, so I will just put it off until there’s a good day to do that”. then my phone got stolen in a nightclub in Dublin - I had no laptop and only an old phone, so no Tumblr for me.

then, I got back to Finland. within a week I said goodbye to my third host family, ended my time abroad for good, came back to my home country, went to see All Time Low, and three days later, One Direction (with a VIP Party Pack ticket, I might add - I was in the front row), and then moved back to Northern Finland to my childhood home. so, that was a lot to take in in such a short period of time.

I can’t even describe what I felt after those two shows. One Direction. me. the boys. Harry. in real life so, I decided to carry on with my Tumblr strike. I didn’t want to see any videos, photos, posts about the gig - or about the boys in general. even today, when my bus drives past Helsinki Olympic Stadion, I feel nauseous. a lot of stuff happened - zayn’s hair, zaughty boy- drama, pregnancy speculation/news and then all sorts of 5SOS stuff, I don’t even remember what else. I was busy with life, working at a camp, travelling around Finland…I genuinely did not have time to think about these things. I decided to avoid Twitter and Tumblr, at least until I made it through that camp.

then I kept on living, without Tumblr. when something happens in the fandoms (mostly 5SOSFam & 1DAF), I scroll though Buzzfeed, Twitter, and Instagram hashtags. and that’s all. Tumblr is so much fun, and I’d like to be a part of the fandoms but…life gets in the way.

I started my studies at the end of August. I sort of moved out of my parents’ home, and now I’m staying with friends of my parents, until I move to my own apartment next month. I have my own laptop, time to use as I wish, and a desperate need to relax and wind down after school.

but you know what? Tumblr isn’t my happy place anymore. what used to make me happy now only causes me anxiety, sadness and stress. when I read articles about the pregnancy, I actually felt sick to my stomach. it hurts to see pictures of the boys (1D and 5SOS). I won’t go into depths of my thoughts, because I don’t want to seem desperate and pathetic. but let’s just say: I don’t want to joke about never getting over it, I don’t want to be neck deep in this fandom, I don’t want to focus my energy on these things. I don’t want to. now there’s probably tens of thousands of pages on my dash I haven’t gone through, and that only leads to more stress. I’ll either go through all of them, or none of them.

you know what I used to love about Tumblr? getting new friends, talking to new people, getting&giving advice. messages in my inbox. I do not mean to guilt anyone, I do not ask for your pity. but no one talks to me on here anymore. I don’t get messages, I don’t feel part of any group. and this used to be so different - I used to have so many people talking to me and asking me for advice and giving me support with things. strange.