Sweet SWE

I’m hopeful for 2025. My project may potentially get pushed out but I’m still going to prep. There was an incident at work where a white woman disrespected my onboarding buddy and my manager in a public meeting, and thought my manager would check her in the moment. I am new to this project and my teammates have been in convo with the woman without me, so I wasn’t sure what was said but I was really thinking of coming off mute. Thank God my manager and onboarding buddy are human and they peeped the same. My manager made her apologize and asked us to take the high road. I was torn up about it, but was grateful my manager did that and addressed the fact that the woman being white and my onboarding buddy and I being Black women had something to do with it implicitly too. I didn’t even have to call it out. My manager is not afraid and I thank God for blessing me with a great manager. This is what I have wanted for so long. A manager to recognize what it is like for Black women in the workplace and try their damnest to make things easier…

I got back on talking terms in the gym with the old fling. He is still doing the stupid behavior and talk. He asked if I could cook for him one last time before he leaves for Sac in Jan. I said no. He said he’d pay. I told him I wouldn’t take his money. I unblocked his number and told him I wouldn’t cook but that we could kick it only if we talked about my boundaries and what went wrong between us. He said he was open to it. I threw some dates out there. He never responded. I cried hard that I had fell for it again and just wanted to be loved. Through tears though, I knew that God still has something amazing for me.

Before the tears though, after the old fling left the gym before me, I went over to the hip thrust machine. One was broken. I felt a guy looking at the machine over. I looked up to joke when the one I was on was broken and to my shock and amazement, it was one of my ultimate crushes! We have the same hair style: big curly fro. He’s tall and lean. Looks amazing. Attractive as heck! He invited me to work out with him on his machine! Despite us using very different weight amounts lol he was patient enough to partner rerack after each set we went back and forth on! I was so attracted but didn’t know where to put my eyes the whole time! There was a point where he readjusted the belt across my waist for me. He didn’t make any sexual jokes or advances. Didn’t make me feel weird. I was IN LOVE. Only thing, he spoke BARELY any English. I had to use a translator app just to ask basic questions. This is one of my dealbreakers unfortunately because communication is BIG for me. I would imagine he probably doesn’t make as much as me either given he works out at that gym and doesn’t speak English well in the Bay Area. Sure is cute though.

Earlier in my workout, there’s this tall white guy that compliments me and calls me a super hero. My old fling saw him come up and hold a convo with me and I think that’s made him flirt harder than usual. I be so embarrassed around the old fling because he truly does not care who is around and will say and do anything. Reminder that we shouldn’t be around each other. I figure God knows how important the gym is to me and how I need to be in this area as it’s probably his best for me right now, so he instead is moving this guy away lol.

Anyway, after being left on read again, I blocked his number, deleted his contact, and deleted our convo so this time I can’t so easily go and find his number again to unblock it. He’s shown me time and time again he don’t like me like that and would rather just string me along. Believe people when they show you who they are.

I saw him today in the gym. He waved. I wasn’t expecting to see him, so I waved out of impulse and proceeded to roll my eyes and get as far away from him as possible. He noticed. He can act as dumb as he wants. I’m tired of being ignored and played with or believing lies. I’ve given him so many passes only for him to let me down every time. Life’s too short.

I was Santa Claus this year and got a lot of people gifts. What’s making me feel a way is that all the friends I asked for their addresses for to send them gifts, none of them have asked me for mine back. Some have received their gifts and didn’t even have the decency to call to thank me. Just text. I feel a way…

Going home for the holidays this year is a bit hard. I honestly don’t want to get into for reasons I mentioned earlier. It’s in God’s hands. I’m grateful.

Despite how I feel, I bought fam gifts. I even bought my mom a Louis purse. She gave me a lot of money when I was unemployed while other immediate family members didn’t, but those other members couldn’t. No one’s ever got her a luxury bag and she deserves luxury despite whatever hard things her and I have been through in our relationship. I don’t even have a luxury bag and never have, but I def want a few, but I’m waiting until I can buy a house. I can’t justify paying that much for a material thing for myself, but I will for her. I’m in the best position to do it out of everyone else in her life. Glory to God for that…

I’m visiting home in LA. I thought I’d meet up with some friends from college for karaoke. I threw some in a group chat. Some never responded. One can’t go, and the other just jokes how the other couldn’t go but never responded about if she could herself. I had my doubts and I need to just trust my God given intuition. I be wanting to hold on to relationships but people don’t want to do the same and I need to take note. Either understand better why or take the hint and move on.

I have a lot coming for 2025 and I just want to be prepared for it all. I want to focus, eat better, protect my energy, protect my boundaries, grow my faith in Christ. I will.