maya

Another date, another occurrence of Mat spacing out while you ranted about your day at work and just wanted him to listen and cheer you up a bit. This evening alone you had to remind him three times that you were here and almost beg him to show interest in you. This is supposed to be the highlight of your day - something that is supposed to leave you with a warm feeling and butterflies in your stomach, but right now, you can barely block out the feeling of disappointment as you once again spot the emptiness in his eyes.

You realise that there is no use in trying to hold a proper conversation and continue to swallow down your meal in silence, just like you did with the bitterness that lies on your tongue.

—

The awkwardness still lingers in the air after Mat drives you home and you have no interest in trying to solve it at all, too upset and tired about the whole day. At the same time, you hope that your silence gives Mat a sign that he may have done something that had bothered you, but you can even see in the way he is operating the car that he is completely lost in thought and has not acknowledged you once.

Eventually, the car stops in front of your car and you immediately unbuckle your seat belt and lean into him, pressing a fleeting kiss on his lips.

“See you someday,” you tell him in a neutral tone, almost as if you would say goodbye to your co-workers and not your boyfriend. Without waiting for an answer, you storm out of the vehicle, not turning around once.

However, you do deliberately walk a bit slower, with the small hope that he might go after you, but ultimately, you hear the engine roar again, leaving you with a hollowness that makes your heart feel heavy.

Usually, you would have invited him upstairs and offered him to stay because you did not want the evening to end, but at that moment, you just wanted to roll yourself in a blanket and never leave the house again.

It is not like you to run out of dates like this because after all, Mat’s schedule is tight and his free time is limited, but if a date with him makes you feel sick in your stomach and unappreciated, you see no purpose to waste your time like this.

It is also not the first time this has happened. In fact, being in a relationship with Mat feels like being in a constant spectrum of hot and cold. One day, everything goes well and you see the Mat that you have been falling in love with and you are sure that you will overcome everything and then another day comes by and you ask yourself if your love is enough to continuously deal with this feeling of never being enough.

The evening is still young and you know that dealing with your spiraling thoughts alone is not a healthy habit to have so you pick up your phone and quickly shoot Sydney a text.

Can I come over?

—

Sydney always knows that something is up with Mat whenever you ask to come over at hers and never ever did she say no to that. Nonetheless, you always feel guilty to barge into her family routine, but she just remarks how excited her kids always are to spend some extra time with their ‘aunt’.

So when you arrive at the Martins, you immediately get attacked by Winnie to whom you crouch down to give her a soft hug while Sydney greets you with Alice in her arms.

It is only Matt who seems surprised to see you here.

“I did not expect you to see you here. Didn’t Mat take you out to that Chinese place?” 

You nod in bewilderment. “Yes, how did you know?”

“He asked me for recommendations and I reminded him that you really wanted to try that one out.”

Once again, a small jab to your heart hits you. You recall feeling relieved and overjoyed when he invited you to go there as you believed that he had remembered your conversation about it.

Now it just feels even more humiliating that another man knew something better about you than your own boyfriend. “At least Sydney’s one lucky woman,” you thought to yourself.

Instead of bursting out in tears as you would like to do as this truly feels like the last straw that breaks the camel’s back, you coat your frustration with another forced smile, something you seem to have perfected over the course of this relationship.

“Yes, we went there,” you answer while concentrating on braiding Winnie’s hair. “It was great, he was just a bit tired so we called it a day.” The lie tastes bitter on your tongue, but you know if you say what you are truly feeling right now, you would just start crying and as much as you like Matt, he doesn’t need to know that his friend is making you feel unloved. In addition to that, you don’t want to destroy the children’s illusion that Mat may not only be the cool uncle they think he is.

Sydney just sideeyes you, suddenly very into the storybook that she is looking at with Alice. Obviously, you could never fool her, but even Matt does not totally look convinced. Luckily, he does not probe further and just asks Sydney if he should bring the kids to bed without her.

This however is immediately protested by Alice who wants you to read her a good night story, which makes everyone laugh and eases the tensed air in the room straight away. For the first time this day, you let out a genuine and heartfelt laugh and your heart immediately feels a bit lighter.

After you helped the Martins with the bedroom routine and read Alice the promised bedtime story, Matt bids farewell to you, leaving you and Sydney alone in the living room.

“Now tell me what really happened.” Sydney pours you a glass of wine while you rub your sleep out of your eyes.

You tell her about your failed date and the way it made you feel, which somehow leads to you ranting about your whole day - something that Mat was supposed to comfort you with cuddles and delicious food about.

Instead, you are sobbing on Sydney’s couch and wondering if you are doing something wrong and doubting if you really mean something to him.

She, of course, is giving you a bone crushing hug and telling you that everything is going to be okay even though she is not sure about that either.

“You know, I’m a bit biased,” Sydney tells you while handing you another tissue. “I know Mat very well and I do believe he loves you. It’s just that he loved his ex-girlfriend so much and she messed him up so badly that it took him so long to get over her.”

She looks you in the eyes and gives you a sad smile. “Before her, he used to be a no strings attached kind of guy. But when he was with her, he was just so different. When he loves, he really loves hard.”

There it is again. His ex-girlfriend. A topic that came up a lot and in the beginning, you respected. After all, you know how hard it is to let go of someone you pictured the rest of your life with. And you truly appreciated how honest Mat had been with you about her when you started dating. That he thought that she would be his forever and that he was still somewhat hung up on her and therefore, wanted to take things slowly. You had promised him to give him time.

It has been half a year since that and now the mere mention of her makes your whole body shiver because how long can slowly be? How long until your patience is allowed to wear thin and you can stop excusing that he still brings you her coffee order or sometimes just makes you feel like a cheap replacement of her?

“I’m sorry he is doing all that. But I know he cares. When he is with you, I can see how much you mean to him.” Sydney continues to hold you tight and you just nod wordlessly into her shoulder.

Normally, these words would have cheered you up and eased your mind a bit, but this time, your doubts remain with you. You truly appreciate Sydney as a friend, but somehow you believe that her judgment might be flawed since she is also close to Mat. After all, it was her who introduced you two and naturally, she wants nothing more than both of her friends to work out.

For now, you decide to cling on to these words because right now, you are not sure if your heart is ready to handle anything else.

—

A few days later you are on your way to see a game after the group chat spent hours convincing you. After your last date with Mat, you have ignored every attempt of contacting you from him that mostly consisted of asking you what is wrong, if he can get a chance to make it right and that he would love to see you at his game.

Personally, you did not want to cave in because after everything, you feel completely justified to expect more than a half-hearted apology, especially when he is not even aware why you are ignoring him. In addition to that, your confidence has been on the low ever since and you just did not feel ready to face the public and the added attention yet.

However, the girls really put in a lot of work to slowly rebuild you and eventually, you gave in since Holly Horvat and Kelsey Mayfield even came for a surprise visit at your apartment to get ready together and would not take a no as an answer.

So you find yourself in the family area, wearing a Barzal jersey and staring at the text you have sent to him.

Hi, I’m coming to the game. If you still want me to, of course.

Mat: Of course, I want you there. I miss you so much and I can’t wait to see you afterwards.

It was just a small interaction, but it still makes your heart feel a bit lighter and suddenly, you are glad that you decided to change your mind. Because you would be lying if you said that you have not missed him this whole time and maybe Sydney was right and everything will work out somehow.

The game goes well as the Islanders win against the Devils, with Mat scoring one and assisting another. During the celebrations, he searches for your face in the crowd and the bright expression with his wide smile makes your heart jump in excitement and cheer even louder while you receive several embraces from the girls.

Feeling elevated by this intense rush of joy, you go down the tunnel to wait for the players to come out. You barely notice the other WAGs greeting their partners as your eyes are fixated on the locker entrance, desperately looking out for Mat whose touch you suddenly crave so much.

When you finally spot his tall figure with his damp hair that you could make out in any crowd, the intensity of your emotions run even higher and suddenly the past few days catch up to you, filling your eyes with tears before he even has the chance to reach you.

Mat immediately takes you in his arms while you try to hide your tear-stained face by sniffing into his broad shoulder. 

“Heeey,” he coos into your ear while tightening his grip around you. “Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know,” you whimper between sobs. “I just hate when we don’t talk and I just felt so unwanted and all these doubts just came up and now I’m here and-.”

Mat interrupts your incoherent babbling by gently taking your face in his hands and silencing you with a soft kiss on your lips. A kiss that still conveys uncertainty - that barely brushes your lips and yet expresses so much emotion that could never be communicated in words.

“I’m sorry for causing all of this. It wasn’t my intention to make you feel insecure and I missed you so much when you weren’t there,” he whispers and caresses your face.

Overwhelmed by everything that is going on, you just stare into his warm gaze full of love while he tenderly rubs the tears from your cheeks away.

This time, it is you who initiates the kiss - first, a small peck to make sure he is real and then one that takes claim over his lips fully and reveals the desperation you have felt over the last few days. Never in your life have you been so sure about a kiss and for a moment, you forget everything around you.

Mat returns the kiss with the same force and you only break it because you feel a gentle nudge on your shoulder and followingly, catch a grinning Holly in your eye sight that brings you back to the real world.

“Everything okay again?,” Mat asks you with a soft voice and slowly puts his arm around your shoulder, making you immediately relax into it.

Still unable to speak, you just nod and put on an honest smile that he answers with one of his own and a soothing shoulder rub that makes your heart race. 

“Then let’s go home, hm?” Without letting you go, he directs you in the direction of the car park and you follow him with the sentiment that maybe everything will turn out okay.

—

To your surprise, he does not immediately bring you home, but instead, stops the vehicle in another place and tells you he wants to show you something. Confused by his secrecy, you just grab his hand and follow him like a lost puppy.

“Mat, where the hell are we going?” You recognise your surroundings as one of the many parks that Long Island offers and yet have no idea where this stroll is supposed to take you. “If you wanted to take a walk, you could have just said so.”

“You will see,” he just answers and as much as you try to get more out of him, his lips remain sealed, keeping you quite literally in the dark.

At one point, you leave the main path and turn into a less visible path. You barely believe your own eyes as you finally understand what Mat tried to imply.

Far away from the tourist spots, there is a small patch of land that almost feels untouched with a gorgeous view on the water. Only a wooden bank indicates that this place is occasionally visited by people, but overall, the nature just seems to be at full peace here. With the sunset in full display, it makes the place even more magical and your eyes widen in awe at the calmness and peacefulness of this spot.

“Mat, it’s so beautiful.” You put your hands in front of your mouth as you are still stunned by the beauty of this place. 

Finally, you look back at Mat whose mouth just curves into a warm smile, looking even more gorgeous with his dark strands of hair waving in the wind and the last rays of sun highlighting his facial features. “I told you it was going to be worth it.”

Together you take a seat on the bank and watch the sunset going down together. Barely any words are spoken, but unlike your last date, this silence feels comfortable and there is no other place where you would rather be right now. For a while, you are curled up in his arms while you can feel his large palm stroke your own in a slow manner, just enjoying each other's company.

You look up to him with sparkled eyes. “Thank you for showing me this.”

He just presses another soft kiss on your temple as an answer and for the first time in a long time, you can feel yourself relax in his presence.

—

For some reason, you just had a gut feeling that perhaps things may have been too good to be true.

After you have watched the sunset together, which you have immediately texted Holly about and sent pictures of, the tiredness of the long day takes over and after eating a quick dinner, you get yourself ready for bed in Mat’s apartment. You let Mat use the bathroom first and find him already fast asleep on his side of the bed.

Still feeling the tingling sensation of the whole day, you quietly scroll through your socials and just look at the countless photos in your gallery as you try to decide which one of these you want to post on your Instagram story.

Obviously, you have taken a few gorgeous ones from the sunset that you definitely consider, but when you see the few shots of Mat that you have secretly taken since the light just accentuated his facial features even more, you just feel tempted to share your happiness with the public.

However, the more you look through your picture folder, the more you get the feeling that you have seen a similar motive somewhere before. Sure, posting pictures of sunsets is basically the norm on social media, but something about the placement of the trees and the layout of the water rings a bell in you. And if your gut feeling is right, it is not a good sign.

Anxiously, you bite your lip as you open the Instagram app and type in a name that you should not know so well.

It is almost embarrassing how her profile immediately pops up after typing three letters, but inevitably, you just have to compare yourself to Mat’s ex-girlfriend. Mostly, it happens during one of many nights when you feel unloved or feel like he is so far away from your heart, which triggers your self-doubts and feelings of never being good enough to him.

The countless posts of her feel all too familiar. You just recognise all of them - the more recent ones, which mostly consist of mirror selfies or photo dumps of her holidays, but also the older ones from a time when she still called Mat hers. The pictures of her at UBS Arena, the group pictures together with other Islanders WAGs or selfies of her wearing Mat’s hoodies and were taken at his apartment - you have seen them more than once.

Ultimately, you find the post you were looking for, published around a year ago and you can feel your stomach turn as the realisation hits you. Pictures of a sunset. Same location, same time, same person. Captioned with beautiful sunsets with an even more beautiful person 🤍.

Another slide reveals a wider shot, which includes the bank and shows the back of a male person that you unmistakably can identify as Mat. Without a doubt, it was the same location you have visited today.

All the bliss that you have just felt until now is immediately gone and suddenly you have the urgency to throw up as your body does not know how to react to this extreme shift of emotions or what to feel at all.

Because is it the fact that nothing about your experience was original? The fact that he brought her there first and made memories with him that you don’t know about? Or the fact that he might have thought of her while you were cuddled up in his arms and feeling like the luckiest person in the world?

In a world of being with a famous athlete, it is impossible to not compare yourself to others or their previous significant others and right now, you cannot help and wonder what she has that you don’t have.

When will it stop feeling like you are battling her lingering shadow?

Beside you, Mat is still deep asleep, not aware of your breakdown that has caused another set of fresh tears burning in your eyes. You are careful to not let out a sound as you weep into your pillow while you position yourself as far away from him as you can.

Maybe it will magically fix itself tomorrow.

Sleeping felt impossible for the whole night as your spiraling thoughts kept you awake for a long time. At some point, you had stopped trying, but also could not cry anymore as your whole energy was drained from everything that happened, leaving you in a vulnerable state that you do not even know how to recover from.

When you eventually hear the birds singing and the daylight coming through the window, you decide to quietly get up in order to not wake Mat. After everything that went down yesterday, you are not ready to face him yet. Your body just screams to run as far away from him as possible.

After quickly putting your undershirt on, completely leaving out his hoodie, you just blindly grab your belongings and run out of his apartment. You do not even know where to go or how to get home - you just know that you cannot bear his presence right now.

—

Weeks go by and you have yet to tell someone what had happened that night. Too humiliated and hurt by everything, you have decided to do what you usually do best: distancing and pretending you are fine.

In front of your friends, you pretend to be busy, telling them that you are just really stressed with work right now and therefore could not meet up with them or attend a game, but surely will see them soon. Because suddenly, you do not crave Sydney’s approval or justification anymore - suddenly, you are on your way to stop believing in anything he or his friends say.

After storming out of Mat’s apartment, you sent him a text that you had to leave early because you forgot about a meeting with your friend, totally ignoring that you had been adamant to spend his free day with him because after that he was going on a road trip. But he does not even question it which proves to you that he is completely oblivious about what happened that night. Either he truly does not know or is just good at pretending that everything is fine.

Eventually, he comes back from the road trip and surprises you with Olivia Dean tickets, which at first, causes your heart to jump because you once used to bond over a similar music taste. It immediately dies down when he casually tells you that Sydney suggested buying tickets because she saw her on your Spotify profile that she was one of your top artists.

It seems like such a small and unnecessary detail, but after six months, all you want is your boyfriend to come up with something for you on his own and not something his friends know about you or he has already created memories with another person.

But once again, you bite your tongue and tell Mat you are excited to go because what else are you supposed to do? Because at least he wants your company at all and you can hold on to the last bit of that relationship you still believe in.

The date starts seemingly normal. Before the main act comes on, you talk about ordinary stuff, do things that couples do and try to find the spark that you have been missing for a long time.

And initially, it truly works as for a short time, you see the side of him that made you fall in love with him. Right now, being with him feels uncomplicated and you fall into an easy rhythm of conversations.

Then the concert starts and during all of it, you feel the high come down again.

It happens in the beginning when Olivia Dean starts singing “So Easy (To Fall In Love)” and you observe all the couples automatically nestling closer to their partners and enjoying the soulful melodies of this song, which just captures the feeling of being in love so well.

You of course do the same, leaning into Mat’s broad body and reaching for his arms, which he accepts without hesitation and together, you slowly move along to the rhythm of the music.

It is supposed to be a magical moment - something where you both think how much you love each other - but for some reason, his touch makes you feel numb. The warmth of his hands on your skin does nothing to you. There is no sentiment of belonging or safety that accompanies you. The touch that you once craved so much now clings onto you like a foreign body.

You are not sure if he feels the same as you do not even dare to look up to him, too scared to face the reality, but you are certain that he notices the stiffness in your moves and the way you reduce your touch towards him.

It continues with the songs that reminisce breakups and you find yourself relating to lines that you never thought you would, but when you notice tears welling up, you realise that they may hit closer to home than you would like to.

But of course you hastily wipe them away and do not let your true feelings show by dancing along to the other songs for the rest of the evening because pretending to be fine seems to become a regular thing in your life.

After the concert ends, you wait a bit until the majority of the crowd dissolves to avoid getting lost in it. Obviously, you managed to enjoy most of the concert after all, but the realisation that something has shifted in your feelings for Mat still stings.

“Great concert, huh?” Mat asks you while you observe all the people slowly walk out of the arena.

“Yeah,” you reply in a curt manner.

He does not push the conversation further and you catch yourself feeling glad about it.

“Hey Mat?” Another voice suddenly turns up.

Usually, it does not faze you when other people come up to your boyfriend because after all he is decently known. But when you spot the figure that has just addressed your boyfriend in such an intimate manner, you freeze up.

Because you have stalked her countless times on the internet, but nothing could have prepared you for the moment to see his ex-girlfriend right in front of you.

“Uh hey?” Mat sounds almost confused as if he is not sure how to react either. He constantly switches his eye contact between you and her, almost as if he is asking you for permission to talk to her.

You just shrug with your shoulders because what else are you supposed to do? You only know of her from hearsay and random Instagram posts and yet she has been living in your head since forever.

They exchange a few words, which you barely notice as you try your hardest to fixate your view on anything but them. But of course you observe the gracious way she carries herself and if you were a total stranger, you would never believe that these two are broken up or that she has ruined him.

He even gives her a small smile occasionally, and you have known him long enough that it is not one of the awkward, polite ones, but rather a genuine one that shows that he is listening to what she is telling him.

Eventually, they bid farewell to each other and he comes back to you. Finally, the majority of the crowd is now gone and you leave together to the parking place. But even though he is walking right beside you and holding your hand, he suddenly just feels far away from you.

—

“You seem quiet.” Mat throws the car keys on the counter as you enter his apartment.

“I don’t know. Long day, just tired.” You avoid any eye contact with him as you go to the kitchen to get yourself a glass of water. Right now, you are not sure if you could hold yourself together anymore so naturally, you just avoid any possibility of a conflict.

Before you could even reach the cupboard, Mat abruptly grabs your wrist, forcing you to directly face him. You shriek out of surprise as you did not predict his move at all. His grab is firm, but not menacing at all.

“Don’t lie to me.” Mat emphasises every word in a way that makes you shiver. “Is it because of her? You know we are broken up, right?”

Your eyes darken at her mention, making something in you switch. Suddenly, all the feelings you have been bottling up, just flow.

“Then fucking act like it!” You scream in a screeching tone that makes him freeze up, instantly dropping his grip on you.

You immediately see the change in expression. The shock that can be seen in his eyes, as if you caught him doing something forbidden. It just encourages your fury as you finally feel validated in your doubts.

“Why can’t you just love me the way you did her? When will I ever be enough for you?!”

Mat just shakes his head. “You are always enough. I choose you and will always do so.”

“Don’t say these things unless you really mean them!” Now it is your turn to accuse him of lying as you form your hands into a wrist. “I know you go to places with me to which you have been with her first. I know you still watch everything she does. I know you still think about her frequently. And I’m sorry that I can’t pretend to be okay with acting as her replacement anymore.”

“I swear it is not like that and…”

“You will never love me as much as you do her,” you immediately interrupt him, not giving him a chance to elaborate. “Maybe you want to, but you just can’t. You’re not over her. All this time I waited for you to.” Your voice shakes. “I gave you time, I was understanding and yet after six months, I still feel like I am competing with her shadow.”

You finally allow yourself to be honest and let your tears fall openly. Too enraged and upset by your emotions, you blindly press him against the kitchen counter, forcing him to watch your tearstained face.

You want to give him one last chance. One last chance to prove to you that you did not imagine all of the previous six months.

“I’m just asking for one thing. Tell me that you love me. Please just say it once,” you beg him. “You never said it once and I was once okay with that because I thought you needed time. But now I need to hear it at least once. Please. Because I fucking do even though you gave me a million reasons not to.”

The immediate silence that follows after is almost too painful for you to bear. Mat just stares at you rigidly, not moving at all or reacting to what you said as if you had just not laid out your feelings bare.

You are waiting in vain as he takes a deep breath and you just hear a whisper of words that you had desperately hoped not to hear until the very end.

“I’m sorry.”

As if someone just popped all the air out of a balloon, you remove yourself from him. There is no anger or despair left in you anymore, just sadness and resentment.

“Yeah, me too. Sorry for wasting my time with you.”

With that, you just turn around and leave without thinking twice. Like at the time when you had left his vehicle after a terrible date, you calmly put your shoes on and grab your jacket because a small part of you just cannot believe that all of this is happening. Because everything always felt real to you.

But he never follows you. Never did. Not even when it matters.

In theory, this would make Mat your bonus brother, but to you, this term does not quite sound right. Whenever you visited the Barzals, Mat was not far away, but as he is a bit older than you, which is a lot in your teens, you did not interact much at first as he was also away often and you had nothing in common.

That’s what you thought until he learned that you are a huge hockey fan. Your father, a diehard Canucks fan who practically follows every game, has dragged you to some games at Rogers Arena when possible and the theme song of Hockey Night in Canada is a familiar tune in your ears.

It started with talking about recent NHL results at dinner and ended with watching his junior games when the schedule allowed it. Usually, you would cheer for him together with his family and when he played away from home, he told you all about it when he returned home while eating ice cream as a dessert.

Even when he moved to Seattle as a teenager, you still talked from time to time, though much less than you used to. But as soon as he returned home for the summer break, the comfortable rhythm of spending time together with his sister at his childhood house, came back quickly as if he had never left.

Of course, you did notice the increased attention he received over the years.

Wherever Mat went, he unintentionally brought all the spotlight on him. The local neighbourhood knew that he is the kid that has a good shot at being drafted and at school, he was popular and known for being a heartthrob.

To you, he was always just Mat, your friend who hates it when his sandwiches are horizontally cut and also happens to be good at playing hockey.

—

Eventually, he was drafted by the New York Islanders, which you had of course followed over the TV and you had texted him excitedly as you knew how hard he worked for that.

Congrats Mat ur insane!! XO The Big Apple it is!!

I can’t believe it! You and Liana need to visit one day.

Since that moment, following the NHL felt different.

You were no longer children sitting at the couch together and talking shop about what went wrong in that power play or cheering for Team Canada together - now there was an actual possibility that Mat could play against all the players you used to admire in front of the TV.

Ultimately, it happened and he made this NHL debut. Shortly after, his first NHL goal against none other than Lundqvist from the Rangers followed and suddenly, the whole league was talking about him.

During this year, you noticed that contact became much less frequent. You saw him on TV, in the news and on social media, but the usual texts were more often left on read, almost as if he became untouchable over night.

You never held it against him because you knew everything went back to normal when he returned to Coquitlam. Every summer you would see him again and he would be grateful to not have to act as Mat Barzal, the hockey player, and instead, could do a Lord of the Rings movie marathon after dinner or eat donuts at Tim Hortons with you.

—

Everything changed when you graduated a few years later and applied for universities.

While Liana was firm on staying in Canada, your heart yearned for NYU. Ever since you visited the campus once during that one time you watched an Islander game in Long Island, you immediately fell in love with the vibrance and surroundings.

Soon, the admission to study accounting at NYU came in and you remember feeling the same excitement you had when Mat was drafted, which made you realise that you were about to move closer to Mat and might spend more time together with him.

Liana had noticed the same and did not shy away to ask you about it.

“Did you decide for NYU because of my brother?”

“Of course not,” you vehemently denied. “I mean, it might have crossed my mind once or twice, but you know how much I loved it there when we visited.”

She had just knowingly nodded her head and you had not thought about it further.

When you told Mat the news while sitting at his parent’s patio, he visibly lightened up.

“We can finally meet up again, just like in old times!”

You just chuckled in response. “Mat, you live in Long Island and I will be living in a dorm at NYU. That is still a respectable distance.”

“Well, no, you are going to live at mine, of course,” he answered without hesitation. “My apartment is big enough anyway, you could easily move in the guest room. We can even get you one of these height adjustable desks so you won’t die of back pain during finals.”

You quickly blinked and looked at him in disbelief. But his expression did not move at all, meaning he was totally serious with his offer. He said it in such a casual manner - as if it was the most normal thing in the world to offer a friend to live with him in his apartment, which probably cost more rent than whatever you will earn in the future.

“Mat, how do you imagine that this is going to work? I would have to commute all the time and I can’t even afford a fraction of the rent you are paying right now.”

Mat just playfully rolls his eyes. “Duh, you are not going to pay anything, of course. Mom would kill me if I asked you for anything. I can afford it, you’re like one of my best friends.”

For some reason, hearing the word best friend from his mouth left you with a tingling sensation in your body. Sure, you also consider Mat as one of your closest friends, but does every close friend get the opportunity to move in with their friend who earns millions for playing hockey?

“I even pick you up from uni as often as I can,” Mat promised as he interpreted your silence as a rejection.

“Don’t be silly.” You snickered. “You don’t want to drive all the way to NYU after an exhausting day.” But your smile voice revealed your true feelings. “But the idea of being your roommate might not be too bad, at least I will know someone already. Though I’m already having nightmares about the commuting time.”

“Is that a yes?”

You just happily nodded and Mat went in for a hug, which you cheerfully accepted. All these years you have spent every summer waiting for him to come home and now you are going to see him almost every day of your week even though his offer was way too generous and you would never be able to pay him back for this. But this is just the Mat you knew - the one who despite the fame, never forgets where he comes from and still deeply cares about his loved ones.

—

Living with Mat was even better than you thought it would be.

Staying true to his words, he had bought and built you the height-adjustable desk at IKEA and just let you decorate the space however you want to. You even had to physically prevent him from buying the whole store as he was about to put everything in his cart that you mustered longer than a few minutes. Eventually, you did end up with a bigger wardrobe and an additional bookshelf, which he of course also refused to let you pay.

There were still a few weeks until your orientation week started, so Mat did his best to show you around the city in his limited time and you got to learn his favourite coffee and food spots. Once again, you asked yourself how you got so lucky to have such an amazing friend like him.

Not only that but he even kept his promise of picking you up as much as he could. Despite the New York traffic, he always asked you when you were finished and you often responded that you might still spend some time at the library or with your learning group, but nonetheless, he always waited for you, even if it meant waiting until midnight.

The other times you commuted from Long Island to NYU three times a week, which definitely cost you a lot of time, nerves and money, but as soon as you came home to Mat, it all felt worth it. The evenings you spent together always remained the best - the ones you either made dinner together or the person who was home first did it first and afterwards you did the same movie marathons that you had done as kids.

In the meantime, the season had started again and you finally were able to attend some of his games, just like you did when you were kids.

Mat had made sure that you were sitting in the family and friends suite, which led to you meeting the other WAGs of his teammates. They immediately gave you a warm welcome and you quickly integrated with them as if you had been here since forever.

”So you’re the famous friend,” Sydney Martin had told you at your first meeting with a smirking expression.

Nervously, you played around with your fingers, unsure how to react. “What do you mean?”

The other WAGs just laughed in a heartfelt manner, which just made you even more insecure.

”Honey, Mat talks about you all the time. He always tells stories of his summers and how much time he spends with you. When he told us that you were gonna move in with him, he literally could not shut up about it,” Sydney immediately cleared up and you just sighed in relief as if you were not sure what exactly he had told them about his life in Coquitlam.

“He’s literally obsessed with you. Please tell me you are at least fucking,” another girlfriend added in a slightly teasing tone and you somehow feel the heat in your cheeks coming up.

”I don’t date men like him. They’re one of a kind,” you talked back with a provoking grin and their laughter just increased.

—-

You did not lie when you said you didn’t want to date men like him, which means hockey players, and unfortunately, Mat’s behaviour had shown you exactly why.

As someone who grew up in Canada, you knew about the toxic culture that revolves around dating an athlete, especially those who might make it into the higher leagues. You have heard countless awful stories from your friends about their hockey boyfriends in high school cheating on them and how terrible they had treated them.

And as much as you liked Mat and as much as he treated you well, his history with women seemed to have changed ever since he moved away.

Obviously, you had not expected him to stay single forever and you definitely understood why he would enjoy his twenties and have some fun.

It was not even the fact that you sometimes came home late and you could hear high-pitched screams from his bedroom because that’s what noise cancelling headphones are for. Or the fact that you had breakfast in the morning and saw someone sneaking around who would freeze at your sight, which you just would just answer with a short don’t worry, I’m just the roommate and then offer them coffee and breakfast to not make it awkward - no this didn’t bother you at all.

It was bothering you because it also impacted your social life.

Since Mat played a huge role in your life, it was basically impossible to not mention him whenever you met new people at university. Even though you mostly kept it vague and avoided mentioning that he’s the star player for the Islanders, people were still immediately charmed when he picked you up and they managed to have some small talk with him.

It was truly a vicious cycle because every time this happened, you could already predict how it eventually would end. First, they asked you if he is available, which you obviously answer with a yes, but be careful he is not known for doing serious relationships. Somehow they still asked him for his number the next time he came (because you simply refused to play matchmaker for his liaisons) and then it was not a surprise anymore if you saw them in any shape at your shared home.

Sometimes they even managed to be invited to a game of his, in which you somehow became the person to awkwardly introduce them to the other wives and girlfriends who are also aware of Mat’s tantrums, but still greeted the new girl in a friendly manner despite not being sure how long she would be around. This was also the only time you did not wear his jersey because you didn’t want to seem like the cliché female friend who sabotaged relationships.

Most of the time however, it would end with crying voice messages from them, asking you how he could be so cruel and just end it like that. As the empathetic person you are, you just sighed and stopped yourself from saying I told you so and tried to comfort them as best as you could. Yet most of these connections fell into oblivion as they could not bear your friendship with Mat, which you could not even be mad about.

It left you to wonder whether this friendship will be your downfall because somehow your life is constantly defined by him. Obviously, you scolded him for his behaviour a lot, communicating that he couldn’t treat people like this, which he defended with they know it’s not serious. And yet, you could never be too mad at him because you knew of his heart of gold when he cared about someone and to you, he was still behaving like the boy from Coquitlam who bought you candy from the corner shop.

—-

There was just this one weird incident that left you wondering if you really knew him.

One day, when you celebrated his birthday a bit too hard, his best friend Anthony and you had to drag him home together as he was way too muscular for you to carry him upstairs alone, especially since you were a bit drunk yourself.

Despite the vocal objections, you managed to get him to his bed and you promised Tito that you would be able to take care of him as he had asked you if you were comfortable enough to do that alone.

”Believe me, I’ve seen worse.” You gave Tito a feigned painful grin, which he answered with a heartfelt giggle. Immediately, the times where you managed to catch a glimpse of his toned back and ass when he once again thought that clothes or towels were optional when leaving the bathroom, making you flustered at the memory.

”Let me know if he’s being a pain in the ass again. Sorry for ending your party early as well, but he insisted that you would leave together because that’s what you two always do.”

You just assuredly shook your head and smile internally at the last part. “Don’t worry, thanks for helping me.”

You heard the click of the closing door and now looked at the now passed out figure of Mat. He looked so peaceful in such a position, similarly when he had fallen asleep on the couch after a long day, which always made you put a blanket over him. It reminded you of the early days where you used to have movie marathons at the Barzals. Usually, it was you who fell asleep first and Mat had picked you up without thinking twice and carried you upstairs to Liana’s room.

You let out a small laugh at the memory, which apparently woke up Mat as let out a small groan.

“What are you laughing about? Come here!” He slurred and you sat down beside him at the corner of his bed.

“Birthday boy, you might have gone a bit overboard with the shots,” you snickered at the sight of him as he tried to rub the tiredness out of his eyes.

With a direct glance at him, you pointed at his clothes. “Come on, you need to get out of your clothes. Or else, you might regret it in the morning.”

”Nah,” he simply told you and you just rolled at his attitude.

”Don’t be annoying. Otherwise, I have to do that.”

You had barely finished the sentence and immediately held your hand in front of your mouth, just realising the double entendre behind it. For some reason, heat built up in your cheek area and you just hoped he would not notice.

But even in the dark, you saw his smug grin that you could not classify. Was he mocking you or did he secretly enjoy what you said?

”I would like to see you try, sweetheart.” Suddenly his voice had acquired a rasp that you had never heard before and the nickname made your mind go crazy.

What the fuck was happening right now?

With no forewarning, Mat had gotten ahold of your waist and suddenly you found yourself lying beside him, caged in his arms. You let out a quiet shriek as you could now stare deeply into his clear eyes.

For a while, you just lied there frozen and all you felt was his hot breath that smelled like the cheap vodka from the bar in your face. His hands comfortably laid on your back and the way you could feel his hand imprints through the thin material of your spaghetti top made your mind go crazy. 

You could always leave, but why did your mind tell you to come closer?

”Mat, what are you doing?” You finally whispered, not daring to even move an inch.

”Can you please kiss me?”

This must be some sick and twisted joke.

You couldn’t believe your ears and as if he could read your mind, he repeated himself, this time in a much stronger tone.

”Please kiss me. I need to taste you at least once in my life.”

Finally, you came to your senses again and realised the ridiculousness of all of this.

”Mat, stop it. You are drunk. You don’t know what you are talking about.”

You gave him no time to react as you quickly slipped out of his embrace and ran out of his room and locked yourself in the bathroom.

With your heart still racing as if you had run a marathon, you splashed some water in your face and sat down on the cold tiles, leaning against the bathtub with your knees against your face.

Never ever in your year-long friendship did you experience such an intense moment with him. And the worst part was that you had felt the spark and almost given in. But it was just unfair towards him, he was drunk out of his mind and not in the position to form a clear thought. Even worse, you had promised yourself that you would never date men like him because you had seen the way he broke someone’s heart. But why did he still look at you like you were the most precious thing in the world?

After that night, you pretended as if nothing happened and never talked about it again. You took it as a sign that he either did not remember it or he realised that he was just talking nonsense.

—

Some time had passed by and you had finally graduated and found a nice entry-level job in Brooklyn. Obviously, your parents, Mat and Liana all came to your graduation and you did the same for Liana.

When your parents asked you when you wanted to move out, now that you were earning your own money, you had just shrugged your shoulders.

“We’re extremely grateful that you did all this for our daughter,” your mother told Mat while you were at the restaurant celebrating your degree. “But you can’t possibly continue paying all her expenses and not getting anything in return.”

“Mom, I already offered him a thousand times to pay rent and food,” you annoyingly rolled your eyes and Mat laughed in agreement.

“I seriously don’t mind. I can easily afford it and she pays it back in keeping this apartment alive when I’m gone and making the world's best Chicken Alfredo pasta.”

Later, when your parents had returned to their hotel and Liana and you had made it comfortable in your room, almost ready to sleep, she confronted you again.

“Are you and my brother like a thing? Don’t lie.”

You just awkwardly avoided her demanding stare and vehemently shook your head.

“No, he’s still on the market as far as I’m aware? I don't know Liana, we don’t really talk about stuff like this.”

“Then why does he look at you like you hung the moon?”

Your mouth twitched at her choice of words. “You are imagining things. Mat just likes my company the same way he did when we were kids. He just likes the feeling of having something familiar nearby.”

“Did something else happen between you two?” Liana continued to ask, clearly not believing a word you said.

“I’m not sure what you are implying, but there was never anything else but friendship. The same one that we have.” You huffed in an annoyed tone and turned out the lights as a sign to put an end to this discussion.

While you conveniently left out what had happened on his birthday, you did not lie about the friendship part. You still did the same things you did when you were at university though you did notice that hook ups significantly decreased ever since that situation at his birthday. He no longer messed with friends you made, which you were extremely thankful for. You still went to his games, he still picked you up from work sometimes. You still watched movies in the evening together or tried out new food spots you had seen in Instagram reels. Except that maybe now, you started to overthink interactions more and wondered if they had a bigger meaning than you thought.

But the truth is also that you had become so attached to him that you also did not want to move out because you were scared what this would mean. Almost as if you were leaving something behind that you would not get back if you left his apartment forever.

—

Another birthday of his came up and once again, you celebrated at the club.

Unfortunately, Liana could not make it as she had moved to London after her graduation, but promised to visit soon.

You found yourself sitting lost in thought at the bar, nipping at the Caipirinha as you realised that setting and time were the exact same when Mat had asked you to kiss him.

It was not the first time where you had reflected on this situation and you always came to the conclusion that made you wonder if things could be different if you had kissed him in this moment. Obviously, you still thought that you handled it in the correct way because there was always the possibility that it would have ruined everything between you and the mere thought of losing him already made you panic.

However, sometimes you could just not let go of the possibility that you could be much more than that and ever since that night, you started to believe that Mat might not be like the men you disliked so much.

“What are you doing here all alone?”

You looked up and it was Holly Horvat who sat down beside you. Over the years, some of the Islanders WAGs have become one of your closest friends, which also had something to do with the fact that you knew that they would definitely not use you to get closer to Mat.

“Why are you not out partying with your man? You’re looking hot and it’s his birthday!”

“Holly, will you finally quit it? He is not my man.”

“Yeah, not officially. But we all know that you are untouchable. Bo always tells me about the deadly looks Mat gives to the teammates who even consider getting closer to you. This man claims you!” Holly snickered.

“Well, he already knows that I don’t date hockey players, but sure whatever.” You just shrugged your shoulders and took another sip from your drink and suddenly, the bitterness of your drink transferred to your own feelings. “He might claim me as his, but he sure as hell isn’t mine.”

Your sight moves to the left in which you could observe Mat sitting in the private lounge, making out with some girl he probably just met. It’s normal, you say to yourself. It is his birthday, of course, he was here to have fun. He isn’t yours and he was free to do whatever he wanted to.

Discreetly, Holly followed your gaze and as she spotted the same, she just spat out a contemptuous men out of her mouth.

“Oh Mat is truly stupid, but you already know that. Babe, believe me when I say that I can see from this distance that he does not even rudimentarily look at her the same way he does at you,” She assured you and you just let out a bitter laugh.

“I don’t care. He can do whatever he wants.”

Slightly annoyed by your moping, Holly held her head in her hands and shook her head. “You two are so dense and blind, it is unbelievable! You are so green with envy and there is absolutely no reason to. Go over to them and claim him, he will follow you anywhere.”

But you just determinedly emptied your drink and grabbed your jacket from the chair. “I’m kinda tired from all of this. I’m going home.”

Carefully, you wrapped your arms around her. “I’ll see you next time. Tell the others bye from me, okay?”

Holly barely had the time to protest as you strolled away quicker than Mat did when he won fastest skater competition at All-Stars.

But Holly did know that she had one simple job and she knew you were gonna thank her at your wedding for this so she quickly walked over to Mat and pointed at the crowd of people in which you had disappeared.

—

The fresh air of the New York City night hit you immediately as you decided to walk a bit away from the club until you were going to order your Uber.

However, you did not come far as you suddenly heard someone calling your name and you could decipher this voice in every crowd, in every room as it always screamed familiarity to you.

“Where the fuck are you going?”

You turned around to none other than Mat who apparently had run up the stairs in order to catch up to you as he slightly sounded out of breath.

“Just tired. I’m going home,” you answered in a curt manner. ”You go back in, it’s your birthday after all. Go have fun like you always do”

For some reason, the way you talked to him angered so much that he changed his tone to the same irritating tone when you changed a song in the middle of a song he liked on your shared Spotify playlist.

“We always promised to each other that we would go home together. And now, of all days, you are leaving me on my birthday?”

You just huffed in response. “Well, you had plenty of fun without me. Figured I could go home and mentally prepare myself to offer breakfast to your birthday present the next morning.” This time, you did not even try to hide the mocking undertone.

Mat’s whole face frowned at your accusation. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Why are you suddenly acting like this?” He took a step forward to reach out for you, but you immediately shied away, slapping his hand away from you.

Suddenly, the words just flowed out of your mouth. “It means that I’m sick and tired of you trying to act as if everything revolves around you. Mister star from the Islanders who gets everything he wants. Even if it means that I have to pretend that I’m okay with you destroying my acquaintances because you could not help yourself and break their hearts. Or comforting your liaisons why you are suddenly ending it because that’s apparently what men like you do.”

“I never asked you to do that. You could just do the same as I did and I wouldn’t care, alright? Did you expect me to just mope around after you rejected me? I asked you to kiss me and you ran away. What is it that you want from me now?”

You just laugh in disbelief. “Mathew, did you seriously believe I’m like one of your hook ups? Yeah, I rejected you because you were drunk and I refuse to be your disposable toy. I did it because our friendship means so much more to me even though I really wanted to kiss you back. I really wanted to convince myself that you are not the person that you always were when you broke my friend’s hearts. I wanted to believe I mean much more to you.”

His angered expression abruptly changed to a dumbfounded, but you had enough. You knew whatever he was going to say right now would make you cry.

Finally, you turned away and walked away as fast as you could, tears already dwelling in your eyes.

You heard him calling out your name, but you didn’t even bother to turn around and instead, made clear that he should not even dare to follow you.

“Go to fucking hell, Mathew!”

—

After that, you knew you weren’t ready to go home yet and just walked through New York City without a plan where to.

You knew you were being reckless right now as someone could just take advantage of your disoriented and tipsy state, but you were too upset to care.

Ultimately, you found a bench to sit in one of many parks in New York and finally, let out all the tears that had built up from your confrontation with Mat.

While going through all of it in your head again, you realised that you might have not acted in the most graceful manner either. Perhaps you did slutshame a bit too much and maybe you should have not let your jealousy get ahead of you and make you confess your true feelings amidst a fight.

But you just couldn’t bear his two-faced personality anymore, especially after he said that did not care about who you slept with, essentially confirming that he truly just wanted to sleep with you, a fact that made your heart break all over again.

You looked at your phone and as you looked at the clock while ignoring the countless messages from the others at the party, asking where you went, you realised that the only person who might understand you is in a completely different timezone and probably sleeping in on her free day.

Nonetheless, you dialed Liana’s number because you knew you could always count on her and you would always do the same for her.

You heard the beep tones that indicated that they tried to connect you to the other end for a long time, almost giving up, but then heard a dozy voice coming through.

“Hello? Geez, do you even know what time it is here? Aren’t you supposed to celebrate my brother’s birthday right now?”

You didn’t find the voice to answer back as another sob broke through you and Liana immediately clocked what happened and suddenly sounded wide awake.

“What did he do?!”

While barely catching a breath and barely being able to not cry again after every sentence, you told her everything from the beginning. From the time at university to now and how over all these years, the lines began to blur. Then that one incident on his previous birthday that had changed everything between you even though you didn’t know it back then. Obviously, you essentially confirmed that she was right when she had asked you about her brother. Eventually, you told her what happened just a few hours ago and that was when you sobbed without being able to stop.

Liana, of course, tried to comfort you and told you it was okay to feel hurt while at the same time cussing out her brother for acting like such an asshole all the time.

Eventually, you heard her taking a deep breath.

“You know, these hockey players - they all share the same braincell, I swear to god.”

The blunt wording made you laugh for the first time that night and you thought of the times when you two were at the ice rink, watching Mat’s junior games and loudly judging the way hockey players acted.

“But you know,” she continued. “My brother might be an idiot and act like a bitch, but he is also an idiot that is in love with you and too stupid to say something.”

“W-what?” You stammered, unsure if it was your drunk mind playing dumb games with you or if you had heard right. “Mat’s in love with me?”

“Yes, he is. He already was back then. When we were at his games together. And you are too, you idiot,” she said in an almost unbothered tone as if it was a well-known fact. “He used to store your favourite popsicle flavour in another freezer drawer so that nobody else could eat them. That’s when I knew.”

“B-but he had a girlfriend at high school back then! Why did he never say something?”

Liana just sighed in despair, indicating that she could not believe that you were still not getting it. “I thought we already concluded that hockey players only share one brain cell. Obviously, he is stupid and didn’t realise it yet. Then that one night when you almost kissed. You ran away and he thought you didn’t like him like that.

When you walked away at the club today, he probably realised that you wouldn’t stay with him forever if you truly didn’t want to. Because you were always there and everything was comfortable.”

She cleared her throat again before she concluded her explanation process. “Mat loves you and no one else. Always have been. Our parents know, yours do and everyone at New York Islanders probably knows, including the canteen lady and equipment manager.”

Finally, you were able to put on a small smile as the realisation finally kicked in. Mat is in love with you and so are you.

“Okay, you are onto something. I really am in love with him.”

You heard a relieved outcry from the other side of the phone. “Fucking finally. I thought I had to lock you in the basement to make you confess. You two are so annoying.”

You laughed at her dramatic demeanour in a heartfelt manner, but she didn’t seem to be too amused.

“Stop laughing and finally tell him. I will now go back to sleep and I swear to god, if I don’t get a message from you when I wake up that does not hardlaunch your relationship, I will take the next flight to New York and hunt you down.”

“Okay okay, I will do as you say. Sorry again for interrupting your beauty sleep. Thank you again and love you.” You both bidded your farewells and as you ended the call, you knew there was only one place where you should be right now.

—

The sun was about to rise when you finally arrived at your apartment and turned the key in the lock.

As soon as you entered, you saw Mat sitting on the couch - the one where you usually lie and watch movies together - who seemed to be in a tense state right now.

At your sight, he froze, unsure how to react as he slowly mustered your figure, standing at the entry to the living room.

“Hi,” you simply said in a soft tone, which he returned.

“Hi. I wasn’t sure if you were going to come home.”

“Me neither.” You laughed nervously. “Can we talk?”

Mat nodded in agreement and you sat down beside him, still maintaining a respectful distance. On your way home, you had prepared what you wanted to say at least a thousand times, but now that the situation was actually happening, you realised that nothing could have prepared you for this moment.

For a moment, you just sat there together and tried to think of what to say.

Eventually, Mat broke the ice and started to talk.

“Did you mean what you said before?”

You let out a short laugh. “Depends which part?”

He returned the gesture and nodded in understanding. “Preferably, the one where you said you wanted to kiss me on that night of my birthday, but didn’t.”

Nervously, you put your hands on your thighs, unable to form a coherent thought. Now there was no point of return. You just had to tell him how you feel.

“Of course. Mat, I think I always loved you. I just didn’t know until that night. That night, I wanted you so much, but then I just thought about how you acted with my friends and it messed with my head. I thought it was just drunk you talking the same shit you told them and I panicked.”

You prepared yourself for the eventual rejection that you still feared even though Liana assured you a million times that it will not. But you could not just erase the last few years and his past behaviour out of your mind - for that, there was just too much history between you two.

But it never came as Mat slowly moved closer to you, now only sitting inches away from you and directly looking into your mascara smeared eyes.

You almost forgot to breathe because how could he still look so good at 5 AM in the morning, with his floppy hair and eyes of an angel. How could you not fall for him?

“I always loved you too. I just needed so much time to realise and I’m sorry for being an idiot to you. You were just always there and I just took that for granted when in reality, you had to tolerate and deal with my stupid jock behaviour.”

Carefully, you closed the distance between you two so that your knees were finally touching. Without hesitation, you wrapped your hand around his, which he immediately squeezed as if he would hold onto his dear life. You leaned your head against his broad shoulder and as you sunk into it, you asked yourself if all of this was real.

“I love you now and loved you then. And I promise you that I won’t run away from you anymore.”

For the first time, you truly believed what he told you as his firm fingers stroked your hand as if it was the most valuable thing in the world while looking at you as if you were the only person in the world.

It was your sign to finally be bold and do what you should have done much earlier as you took your other hand and put it around his neck to move him near you. With full conviction, you pressed your lips against his as you melted into his as if they had always belonged there.

Eventually, he cupped your cheek and initiated another one and you could just feel the love and devotion in it. Right now, your stomach was full of butterflies and you just knew he was feeling it too.

All these years, you had danced around your feelings, comfortably stayed in the grey zone without even thinking of breaking out, but now you had finally found yourself at the right place and right time. And there was no place where you would rather be right now.

As you shared another few deep kisses, you found yourself on his lap, comfortably making yourself home there, until you chuckled to yourself.

“You know what? I’m glad I didn’t kiss you that one night.”

Mat raised his eyebrows in question. “Why’s that?”

“Because now I can be 100% sure that this is real and you are aware of it too.” Once again, you touched his warm cheek and pressed another quick peck on his lips, just to make sure again that all of this was happening.

“Best birthday present ever.” He winked at you and suddenly pushed you on the couch and attacked you with more kisses, which you happily accepted.

Sometimes you cannot believe that one day you were chatting about which insider tip of Vancouver he is going to show you next and not even 24 hours later, you would never want to speak to him again.

Then again, that’s how your relationship with Connor was in the end - high highs and extremely low lows.

The day you bumped into him for the first time is certainly a memorable one. You had just finished your first month as an Operations intern at the Chicago Blackhawks and you were loving it. Your team immediately treated you as one of them and while your hockey knowledge is limited to occasionally seeing a game on screen in a bar, you quickly get to know the passion and fascination every staff member has for the game and team.

The first time you actually learn of Connor’s existence is during a work task for which you need to prepare an excel spreadsheet. It consists of various food habits of players that eventually will be forwarded to the staff of the kitchen. Most of them seem fairly normal - some do not eat red meat, some dislike certain vegetables and some avoid dairy products.

Connor’s annotation however makes you questioningly raise your eyebrows.

“No salt in food,” you speak out aloud. “What does that even mean? Almost every food contains salt.” You forward the question to your colleagues in the room.

“Who wrote that down?” Curtis, who sits on the desk opposite of you, makes his way to you and bends down beside you so that he can look at your screen with you.

“Number 98, Canadian, Connor Bedard.”

Suddenly Curtis just smirks knowingly. “Oh yeah, that’s Connor for you. He loves to try out different diets from time to time. Last time he tried to be a pescatarian, but then ate meat again because he loves chicken too much.”

“Well okay, that does not answer my question. Does he just want plain vegetables for lunch every day or what?”

“Just ask him after practice. They should be finished soon.”

So you find yourself going downstairs to the rink half an hour later and trying to catch him before he could leave. It does mildly annoy you as your workload for the rest of the day has just increased and now you are wasting your time trying to catch a hockey player who is unable to properly express his wishes.

After a short waiting time, you spot him in a conversation with Frank Nazar.

“Hey Connor,” You call his name while walking up to him.

He turns around and sees you hastily walking towards him. At first, he seems confused by your presence as you two have never met before. He then spots your office badge and nods in acknowledgement.

“What’s the matter?”

You show him your printed out notes with a form that seems familiar to him. “I just need some clarity regarding your food habits. Like what do you mean you don’t want salt in your food?”

“I’m not sure what’s so hard to understand about that?” You hear the feigned confusion in his voice, which makes Frank snicker quietly and you roll your eyes in annoyance. Clearly, he is aware that his annotation can be misleading and yet he is making fun of you although you are making the effort to actually understand what he wants from you.

“I’m asking you whether you want to slurp protein shakes for every meal because that’s like one of the only nourishments that does not contain salt I can think of,” you talk back, making clear that you have no time for his dumb games.

“Geez okay, Miss…”. He pauses to have a look at your badge. “Miss Operations intern does not understand nor healthy eating habits.” For the first time during this conversation, you directly look him in the eyes and give him a rigid look.

Maybe it is the lack of caffeine that you have consumed today or the fact that several packages of hockey equipment need to be approved by the end of the day, but right now, you have no patience to smile away his friendly chirping.

Based on your frosty demeanour, Connor realises that his teasing may have not brought out the reaction he would like to have, so he quickly starts explaining. “No salt just means I don’t want to eat products with added salt or high salt content such as bread, cheese and salmon. It’s healthier this way. High salt consumption damages vessels and organs.”

“Alright, no added salt or high salt content,” you repeat while writing his words down, not even questioning his little lecture.

“No snarky remark about how ridiculous it is?”

You just let out a small laugh, shrugging with your shoulders. “You could eat leftover pizza every day and I wouldn’t even question it. As long as you perform on ice and do all the things I ask you to, I’m alright.”

”Don’t give him any ideas,” Frank adds himself to the conversation. “He used to leave his leftovers outside for days and then just warm them up like it was nothing although we told him he had to put them at least in the fridge. Guess who had a stomach bug so bad, he had to go to the ambulance and missed practice as a consequence?”

Connor’s face suddenly turns bright red while you give them a thin smile that does not even necessarily make fun of him, but rather expresses that you did not expect anything else from a young male athlete that knows nothing except being good at hockey.

“It did work out for a while.” He defends himself from Frank’s teasing, but your compassionate expression reveals that you have already made up an opinion based on your short conversation.

“I am sure the no salt diet will work out better. Though I might doubt its true impact. To me, it sounds like you are deliberately making your life more miserable,” you comment.

“Oh yeah?! My hattrick last game would beg to differ.” Connor pretends to be offended, but his smirk tells you that he picked up the playfulness in your remark.

For the first time in this conversation, you give him a genuine smile. “Well, that’s your job, isn’t it? Do that again and we might have a solid basis for quantitative research.”

“Challenge accepted.” To your surprise, it seems like Connor is taking your joking banter seriously as he sounds extremely determined, but for some reason, you find it endearing.

“Did you just bet on yourself to score a hattrick in the next game?”

“It’s going to happen, you will see.”

“Okay, I am counting on you.” You give him a playful wink as a sign to leave and make your way to the lift.

“Oh and by the way.” Before Connor and Frank are about to leave the building and the lift reaches your level, you turn around to them. “Miss Operations intern has a name. Do make use of it.”

“I know, Y/N. Just thought I should honor your role. After all, I need to do the things you want me to.”

Even though he cannot see your face while you step into the lift, he can just picture the affectionate expression you have on right now and in this moment, he knows that the next time he sees you, he desperately wants to see it with his own eyes.

—

This mad lad actually did it.

If you had not seen it with your own eyes, you would not believe it either, but true to his word, Connor scores a hattrick in the next game, which is wildly celebrated by the home crowd and of course, the few colleagues you are sitting in the staff section with.

You remember passing him by a few times after your conversation in which he always assured you that the hattrick is going to happen, to which you have responded with a sure whatever. Secretly however, you did root for him because something about his enthusiasm and dedication to the cause makes him adorable to you.

Nevertheless, you did not actually expect him to do it. You are politely clapping along while he celebrates with his teammates, but deep inside you, you feel a slight excitement as indirectly, this hattrick is dedicated to you. You do not like to admit it, but it does make your heart race in a manner that may not be considered appropriate in a working environment.

But Connor takes it even one step further and directly focuses his glance on you after finishing his celebration, giving you the cunning smile that he had when he pretended to not understand your problem with his annotations.

You should be annoyed, but your grin just grows further and now you are absolutely convinced that whatever you are feeling right now, goes way beyond what an intern is supposed to. Luckily, his sight can be interpreted as a generic view up to the fans and yet, you know that nothing about it was random.

After the game, you make your way to the behind the scenes area. While you are allowed to occasionally make use of the staff ticket contingent, you are technically still on clock and therefore, take every home game as a learning experience and get to know all the logistics and processes of a game day.

Eventually, you see Connor walking out of the locker room. You are not sure if you should approach him as it may come off as strange that you are directly focusing on him and you certainly do not want to start any baseless rumours. Then again, you are part of the staff so talking to a player should not be considered as weird, right?

To your luck, Connor notices your thoughtful gaze on him and immediately interrupts his conversation with Ryan Greene to walk towards you.

He flashes you a triumphant grin. “I told you so, didn’t I?”

“I guess, yeah? Great job out there.” Your praise is genuine and your heart beats in a different tempo than before. He sounded like someone who had just seen snow for the first time and to know that he put so much importance and pride on this specific hat trick just makes you just as happy.

“Did you believe that I could do it?” He asks out of curiosity and you just laugh.

“Honestly? No. But I definitely hoped you would do it,” you reply and his demeanour lights up again.

“So I won.”

“So you won,” you repeat, unsure what to expect next.

Suddenly, his expression falters and he begins to nervously scratch his head. The confidence he had just radiated is completely gone. Instead, he looks like he is about to confess his darkest secret.

Connor takes a deep breath before he speaks. “Go on a date with me.”

You blink in disbelief, not believing what you have just heard. “Excuse me?”

“You heard correctly. I am asking you to go on a date with me,” he now repeats in a much more secure manner, almost as if he had never been more sure of something in his life.

An uneasy feeling builds up in your guts as you anxiously scan your surroundings to make sure that nobody is observing your conversation.

“I would love to… but the answer is no,” you sigh quietly. It hurts even more to say out loud and you feel the slight pang in your chest area that is building up.

“But… why? What is the problem?” He asks with a mix of surprise and disappointment.

“Moral dilemma. Look, I am just a random intern that worked so hard for this opportunity. I cannot possibly throw this away.”

“But that’s not true! You are Y/N, the amazing Operations intern who checks every information twice before you approve them and makes sure that every player fills out the necessary forms even if it means reminding them more than once.”

Your face warms at the compliments, but then you give him a sad smile. “In the corporate world, I am a nobody. If people find out I am seeing a player in my private time, they will judge me even if there is no official rule that forbids it. They will treat me differently.”

“But that’s not true!” He vehemently protests. “We could just be friends who get along well.”

“Connor, who do you want to fool? People will have their prejudices and fabricate their own story, no matter how untrue they are. I know you have nothing to lose because you are the star player. But I am replaceable. Someone else can do my job.”

You are about to leave this conversation as you start to second guess yourself and your decision. Because everything inside you wants to get to know him, wants to know how he is outside the hockey rink and wants to see what is behind the person you banter so much. But you also know that rationally, it just makes sense to shut everything down before it can develop into something unpredictable.

However, Connor grabs your wrist persistently, giving you no room to go away. You just helplessly look at him.

“Please don’t make this harder than it already is,” you quietly beg him.

“Just one meet up. Very non committal. Please,” Connor emphasises. “We don’t have to tell anyone or go somewhere fancy” He stares into your eyes with a fixed expression that makes your heart melt. “I know you want it too.”

Yes, you absolutely want this and with the way he is holding your wrist and watching you as if you are everything, you almost forget that you are still in the arena - a place where everyone can observe and listen to your heartfelt conversation.

But for some reason, all you can think about right now is that Connor Bedard is practically on his knees begging to go on a date with him and the familiar feeling when he celebrated his hattrick comes back to you. Suddenly, you just know that you would regret it if you did not at least give him a chance.

Finally, you smile in a coy manner and nod.

“Okay,” you almost whisper so only Connor can hear. “One date.”

His whole demeanour changes at your approval and he excitingly pulls out his phone.

“So… your number?”

—

Connor stays true to his words and invites you to a small Indian restaurant just slightly outside the city two weeks later. In your eyes, very ironic because Indian food is not necessarily known for low salt levels.

During these two weeks, you stay in contact and talk about your days, which in his case, mostly consists of hockey, sponsor meetings and recovery. You tell him about your work commitments and send him pictures of the small cat that strolls around your apartment area or a picture of your TV with the Hawks game on. Sometimes he sends you memes he thinks that you find funny, which you mostly answer with a cry laughing emoji even if you do not find it funny at all.

At work, he respects your boundaries and whenever you pass each other by and have some small talk. Interactions only happen in small gestures - sometimes you find a protein bar in your company mail box with a handwritten note that says no added salt found ;) or he coincidentally visits the cafeteria at the same time as you do and buys you coffee because today’s your lucky day.

You do not like to admit it, but you really start to like him and his cheekiness.

Eventually, the day comes and you catch yourself constantly looking at the clock at work as you aim to punctually clock out in order to not make Connor wait too long. He did say he was going to wait for you at a parking place outside the arena and not to stress yourself too much.

Your manager Kara does notice the slight distress in your eye as you concentrate on typing out the last few emails. 

“Hot date today?” She simply asks as if she just read your mind.

“Something like that,” you vaguely reply, hoping that she does notice the blush in your face.

“Well, I hope they treat you as good as the Hawks do right now. Lately, they have been on fire!”

She is not wrong. Two wins, two overtime losses and one loss is not too bad for the Hawks. And of course, Connor played a big part in that, which he teasingly had taken as evidence that his diet is working. You had protested and told him that there is no real correlation between his eating habits and performance on ice.

“Come on, pack your stuff and leave,” Kara tells you and directs her head to the door. “Just do the rest of the work in the morning. Can’t be late to your hot date.”

“We do want all the details tomorrow,” Leah screams from the other desk and you just roll your eyes in despair.

Great, now the whole office knows about your date that you frantically tried to keep on the down low. You can just imagine the outrage if they knew that your date is the star player of the team you all work for.

You turn off your computer and gratefully nod your head towards Kara. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

—

Before you make your way to the agreed meeting point, you make a stop at the bathroom to fix your make up and brush your hair. You deliberately chose to wear something cuter than usual, but is still appropriate for office hours. The mere thought of going on a date with Connor has driven you crazy for the past two weeks despite not knowing what to expect out of it. Sure, you had agreed to keep it non committal, but deep inside you, you know that you want more than just being friends with him.

When you arrive at the parking place, he is already there, standing beside his car in a beige jacket and casual beanie that seems perfect for the chilly weather in the evening. As soon as Connor spots your figure, he puts his phone in his pocket and gestures a small wave towards you.

“Hope you haven’t been waiting too long.” You greet him with a half hug, which he immediately accepts.

“All good, I told you not to worry about it.” He opens the car door for you and you step in.

During the car ride, you talk about your day and the road trip he was on, which you usually do not attend as you belong to the lower priority list in this regard.

“Did you see that one assist against the Canucks? Whatever spell you put on that diet, it’s working!” 

You let out a beaming laugh. “Are you still going on about this? I doubt your hockey skills are related to your intake of salt.” You turn to him as he comes to a stop at a traffic light. “No seriously, give yourself some credit, you are an amazing hockey player. Even though I am still an amateur and still don’t know what icing is, I can see all the work you put in.” There is no hint of banter in your voice and you are a bit taken back by your insistence yourself.

Connor dares to risk a look at you who suddenly finds the scenery outside the window very interesting. Consequently, you miss the way the corner of his mouth turns up.

“I may know another reason why I’m doing well so far,” he responds cryptically as if he is talking in riddles.

“I’m all ears.”

“There might be a certain someone that watches all my games and ever since she has been my lucky charm,” he says without hesitation and in such a nonchalant manner that it makes you screech inside.

“Very smooth, Bedard,” you answer, but still avoiding his view. “But the statistics beg to differ. In fact, I do not watch every game and there were games in which you were invisible.”

Well, not completely true, technically you had missed one game because you were babysitting for a friend and even then you had tried to at least catch a few glances on the livestream on your phone. It is actually embarrassing how you had adjusted your schedule just to catch every game, which you have solely blamed on the fact that you now work for a team.

“I also take every home game. Because I did score in every game you attended ever since that hattrick.”

It is truly a fact you cannot argue against and you finally see the look of satisfaction on his face as he focuses his eyes on the road. The same face he did when he looked up to you after scoring.

The non committal date, as you like to call it, goes well and you playfully mock him again for choosing a meal that contains more salt than he has eaten in weeks and he merely counters it by saying you should be grateful that he is spending his cheat day with you.

While the good-natured banter continues, you also talk about things outside of hockey such as your music tastes or your childhood memories of your hometowns. You learn that family is important to him and that he still loves going back to Vancouver and just be the person he is outside of hockey.

So the conversation flows and you barely even notice how time flies until you catch the bright lanterns outside and you both realise that you still need to show up at United Center tomorrow.

Very much to your dismay, he pays the check without looking at it twice and just says it’s a thank you for being his lucky charm, which makes you vehemently blush again and you cannot even count the amount of times he made you feel so special today.

Connor drives you home and during the ride, you can feel the tension in the air. While the only physical contact you have shared so far is the accidental brush when exchanging menus (which still had made your heart flip in a way you did not think it could), you can just feel that you both do not want to leave it at that.

The moment you spot your building and his car comes to a stop, you turn around to him and intently, look him in the eyes.

“So this is it,” you start the conversation as you also unlock your seat belt.

He does the same and nods. “Yes.”

“Thanks for driving me home. My apartment is right there.”

“Let me walk you to your door.”

You deliberately walk the short path slower as you realise that you do want the evening to end without knowing where you both stand. Because if this actually ends up being one time thing as you have pretended to be, you may not get over this for a long time.

You come to a stop at your front door and finally speak up again. “Connor, I really enjoyed our time together. And I think I want to do it again,” you confess in a soft tone, afraid of what his reaction is going to be.

But he does not even hesitate with his intentions as he carefully takes your hand in his as reassurance, which you squeeze back without reluctance. “I never had any doubts with you. From the moment we met, I knew where I wanted this to go. I just needed to know how you feel about it.”

You nervously chew on your bottom lip, but still gift him a small smile. “I am still scared. I still don’t know how I want to handle this. I only know that I want to give it a try.”

“Then we will figure it out together. One step at a time. No expectations. We will just see where this goes.”

You shyly nod and he takes it as a sign to close the distance between you even further. Connor slowly moves his hands to cautiously cup your cheeks, touching them as if you are expensive silk, as if he still gives you the opportunity to slip away from him.

But you do not even consider it and instead, meet him halfway by moving your head near his. You are so close, your noses are almost touching and between the distance of your lips, a piece of paper would barely fit in.

Ultimately, it is you who pushes his head towards yours and your lips finally land on his. At first, the uncertainty stops you both from pushing it further, but eventually, you press your lips against each other again, this time in a much more needy manner.

He tastes like the mango lassi you have dared him to try as you wanted to know how far he would go with you on his cheat day, but he had slurped the liquor as if it was one of his protein shakes.

Connor looks at you as if you hung the moon, barely believing that all of this is happening. But you also grin like a Cheshire cat and right now, you just know he is all you ever wanted as you snuggle into his arms that fit around you as if you always belonged there.

He returns your grin with his own as he looks at you with adoration. “So about this non committal thing… Am I right to believe that this is thrown out the window?”

You shake your head in disbelief, slightly pushing his chest in a playful manner.

“Idiot,” you murmur, but you then press your lips against his again as you crave the sweetness, which he gives to you without hesitation.

—

From then on, you are on cloud nine for the next few months. Every moment with Connor feels like the best time of your day.

At work, you still maintain a respectful distance, but you do not intentionally try to hide your relationship. Some people do notice you sitting with him in the cafeteria more often, but none of your actions awakens suspicion that there could be more than friendship. Your colleagues do tease you a bit for that, but you act confident enough to tell them off. When he picks you up from work, you make sure to not do it in the main parking lot and to never leave the building together.

Dates, as rare as they are, usually happen at your or his apartment since your time schedules are both packed. But every time you do find time to spend together that does not include falling asleep while watching a movie or having drowsy conversations at dinner about your day, Connor makes you feel like the most precious person in the world.

When he is on roadtrips, he makes sure to always send a good night text that makes your heart feel easy and your last thought before sleeping that you feel so lucky to have someone like him in your life. 

You are there for him when the Hawks went on a losing streak, slowly trying to rebuild his confidence as the self-critical person he is, he always looks for mistakes in his play and you are there to remind him more than once that hockey is still a team game and that he does not have to carry all the weight himself. He then usually kisses you in the sweetest manner and expresses how grateful he is to have you by his side because every minute he spends with you feels like a lottery win.

It all seemed so perfect.

The moment that may have started the downfall happens at work.

You are sitting in the lounge area of the foyer as you still have some work to do and the office rooms officially close at 8 PM. You know that the alarms go off at 10 PM, which gives you some time to finish your work at another place in the building.

Beside your laptop, a half empty cup of cold coffee can be found and you are frantically typing something into a Word document. It is late and your colleagues have already left as they have given up to stop you from overtime hours a long time ago.

You are so concentrated on your work that you do not see a familiar figure walking towards you.

“Hey Y/N!” You shriek at the sound of your name, but relax again as you see that it is just Connor with another plastic cup in his hand.

“Jesus Connor,” you express. “You scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here?”

“You did not answer my messages and I checked your location and saw that you are still at the office.” He gives you the warm cup that has already cooled down a bit. “It’s tea because I cannot tolerate your insane consumption of caffeine any longer.”

You just chuckle at his scolding and thankfully take a sip of the hot beverage. “This might take a while here. Just go home, okay? I’ll be finished soon, I just need to fill out these documents.”

You are about to continue working, but Connor disagrees with that.

“I am here to pick you up before HR gives you a speech about health check and worker protection. Whatever you have to fill out there will not benefit from being sent out today nor are you getting paid enough to do this,” he protests and grabs both of your hands to prevent you from typing.

“Connor, please,” you unsuccessfully object as he pushes your body towards him and tightens his grip around you.

His arms feel safe and suddenly you feel a drowsiness that has not hit you before. The constant overtime hours and early days can be felt in your bones.

“HR would probably also like to have a word if they see us like this,” you mumble into his arms, which makes him laugh.

“The only insane person who is here right now is you. Nobody is gonna know.”

“The surveillance cameras in this building would like to object.”

“When was the last time anyone checked these?”

You crack up and admit defeat. “Fair enough.”

For a while, you just let him hold you and you realise that there is no use in continuing. You are about to pack up your things, but Connor suddenly seems lost in thought as his fingertips mindlessly caress your face.

“Is there anything else?” You ask him carefully.

Connor just blinks a few times and stops his movement to properly sit up, making you leave his arms as well.

“When the season is over.. will you come to Vancouver with me?” His voice sounds unsure, almost as if he is asking the question to himself.

You give him an inquiring look. “You mean during the off season camp? Well, do you want me to come?”

It is a hypothetical question as he did mention before that he would like to show you around Vancouver one day, but you did not expect it to be so soon.

Connor slowly nods and gives you an encouraging smile. “I think I would like that.”

You return it and turn to him. “Okay. Sounds good. I’m in. Though I may shit myself when I meet your parents and childhood friends,” you joke around.

But you notice how Connor does not join your laugh and instead, averts his eyes from you.

“Actually…” he hesitates and it gives you an uneasy gut feeling. “I don’t think you should meet them yet.”

Your laugh immediately dies and the anxious feeling in your stomach worsens. What is that supposed to mean?

“Look, I really want you to come,” he explains to you. “But you know, I feel like it’s a bit early to get this serious. Like I want to enjoy you a bit longer.”

Within a few seconds, your shaky feeling turns to shock. Because the way he describes your relationship is completely different to what you thought it is.

“Did you just imply that we are not serious enough to consider our relationship real? Like I’m supposed to be your dirty little secret, rotting in some hotel room and waiting till you have your way with me while you happily enjoy your off-time in Vancouver, pretending to be single?” You spit at him, which makes him slightly wince. 

“No, of course not!” He quickly clarifies. “I am not ashamed of you. I want to be around you when we’re in Vancouver. I just want us to enjoy each other’s company without having too much attention on us.”

Connor tries to take you in his arms again, but instead, you flinch away from him, still not convinced of his explanation.

He realises that he may have hurt you and tries to describe his feelings to you again.

“Canadian media is brutal… like the people will leave us alone, but people will spread pictures around and someone will try to make something scandalous out of this. I really don’t want you to land on some gossip page and cause trouble at work.” He brushes his hand over your shoulder as if he is asking for permission to forgive him. “I want to be out with our relationship on our merrit.”

Your initial anger abruptly disappears and suddenly you feel bad for putting him in such a position. After all, he already made a big step by inviting you to his hometown anyway. While it still slightly stings that he wants to take such extreme measures that it means that you are not meeting the people he thinks are important to him, you understand his point of view better now.

“Please don’t fight about this,” he begs you as he does not know how to interpret your silence.

Finally, you look up to him and try to curl yourself back to him, which he immediately complies with.

“I’m sorry for assuming the worst,” you say in a delicate tone. “I was just freaking out and thought you didn’t want to claim me.”

Connor determinedly shakes his head and softly kisses your temple. “This is so far from the truth, baby. There is no one else, but you.”

You put on a weak smile as he tells you not to overthink things and reassures you his commitment to you.

“Can’t wait to see Vancouver from your eyes.”

—

The turning point happens after you arrive in Vancouver.

Connor has arrived weeks prior in order to spend some time with his family and friends before he slowly gets back to his usual training programme with the Hawks.

He waits for you at the airport and you debate whether these few weeks justify a stormy hug including a run because you missed him so much.

Luckily, he makes this decision for you as he quickly walks towards you and basically crushes you in his arms, which you answer with a satisfied sigh.

“Missed you so much, pretty girl,” he murmurs as he affectionately strokes through your messy hair.

“Likewise,” you reply and inhale his smell that you have missed so much.

Connor drives you to his apartment in Vancouver and from this moment, you cannot believe that you have him all for yourself for now.

Well, obviously, not all the time as he still spends a considerable time on ice with his training partners. But after that, he comes home to you and spends all his time with you.

You do avoid going to places together in which he may get recognised and decide to wear discreet clothes so that chances of being seen shrink. Obviously, this does not always work out and once in a while, he gets asked for a picture or involved in small talk, which he happily does and you usually try to walk away from so people could not memorise your face. After all, there is always the small possibility that someone from your work place could be there 

It’s a Thursday when it happens.

You just finished eating lunch for the day and are about to finish some work on your laptop. Mindlessly, you scroll through your social media while your laptop turns on as out of nowhere, a video catches your attention.

Initially, you did not think much about it as it appeared to be just a normal video of off season training, but as you read the caption, your blood runs cold.

Connor Bedard left practice today after falling awkwardly on his left shoulder. Severity is unknown.

You recognise Connor in the video and the fall looks nasty even though he immediately gets up. However, the way he skates away and holds his shoulder makes it clear that the severity of the injury is more than just a small scratch.

You almost drop your phone in shock at the sight and instantly start to worry. There is no new message from him aside from the one you sent in which you asked what he wants to eat for dinner, still unread.

What are you supposed to do?

You know that injuries are unfortunately part of the game and it is needless to say that the players are in best hands with the medical staff. But you also know of Connor’s history with injuries and how they have impacted his career, which is why you worry so much.

Without thinking, you text him a few messages.

Baby, are you okay?

Please text or call me when you can. I’m worried.

Since you are part of the Blackhawks, you could probably find out through multiple contacts what’s the current of affairs, but you know better than to put your nose in matters that are highly confidential. But as of now, you have no legal basis to get access to this information unless it comes from the subject himself.

It takes several hours in which you barely manage to get any work done, which luckily no one noticed as you are not in the office. All the time, your thoughts drift to Connor and whatever medical treatment is getting right now.

He sent you a few messages around the evening.

Bedsy 💕: Sorry for the late answer, been stuck at the hospital for hours

Bedsy 💕: I am doing okay, my shoulder still hurts but they gave me painkillers. No diagnosis so far, I need to return to the hospital tomorrow for more examination.

Bedsy 💕: I’m at my parents right now, sorry they are not letting me back. Will keep you updated. You can obviously stay at my place and do whatever. Love you

Obviously, you are disappointed that you will not see him today, but you are just so glad that he has sent you a sign of life. Still, you cannot help but continue to worry as the diagnosis remains unclear. But you know that all you can do right now is wait and hope.

The following days feel like torture.

You function on automatic mode, barely registering what you are even doing as you are stuck in a city that you don’t know without the person you want to be with.

The very next day after the injury, Connor tells you that is about to have surgery and with that, the crushing news that will be out for at least four months. Your heart breaks for him as you know how much it must mess with his mind right now. It bothers you even more that you cannot be there for him in such a crucial point in his career as the injury also happened during his contract talks.

Connor has assured you that his agents will all figure it out and that the signs are good that he will stay. While his words awaken some quiet optimism in you, you know that things can change within mere minutes and therefore, you will only allow yourself to breathe when the ink is dry.

These are all things you keep to yourself of course because all you want for Connor is to focus on his recovery. For that, he definitely does not need your silly doubts about your future.

A few days later, he finally comes home to you.

You do not expect it at all as you assumed that he would like to be surrounded by his family during recovery, but it is a mere moment and he suddenly stands at the door.

Without thinking twice, you run towards him and cautiously embrace him, afraid of crushing him and he hugs you back as much as he could.

You have thought about this moment for so long and now it happened even sooner than you thought it would.

You inspect his pale face in order to see if you can find something out of it, but his usual expressive demeanour is unreadable to you.

“Are you okay? Do you need something?” You ask him in concern and worry even more as he does not react and continues to keep a straight face.

“I - I just want to be left alone,” Connor hesitantly speaks out, which instinctively, makes you remove your touch from him.

Never ever in your duration of the relationship did he ever say something like that. Usually, it is him who constantly wants to be near you and be touched by you. Yet you realise that he really means it as he barely offers you a second glance while he walks to the bedroom.

You are unsure how to approach this situation. Obviously, you want to give him all the space he needs, but at the same time, you know that he tends to spiral pretty badly so you want to offer all the support you have.

So you leave him alone for now and try to distract yourself from this awkward situation.

Later, you prepare his favourite dinner to use it as an excuse to talk to him.

Before you step in, you knock at the door, but as no sign of an answer appears, you decide to walk in.

Connor sits at the very edge of the bed and stares outside the window and presumably has not switched his position ever since he went to the room a few hours ago.

Cautiously, you take the place beside him and lean your head on his healthy shoulder, signaling your appearance. But once again, he barely reacts and does not hold you tighter or reach out for you like he always does. Nevertheless, he doesn’t complain either so you stay in this position for now.

“Connor, please talk to me,” you barely audibly mumble.

He still does not show any sign of talking and it breaks your heart all over again to see him suffer like this. Normally, he would start confessing his dark thoughts to you - thoughts he never believes he is allowed to express. But you have shown him that showing weaknesses is okay - that it is alright to lean on other people for help.

But for some reason you just cannot go through him.

Slowly, you leave some space between you two again as the lack of reaction to your warmth makes you uncomfortable.

Once again, you attempt to start a conversation with him. This time, you try some small talk.

“Hey, so I made your favourite dish. Without added salt, you know. But we could also do something else. Like watch that documentary about shark attacks I told you about. You know, whatever you want, we could also…”

“Why can’t you all just leave me the fuck alone?!”

You freeze at his sudden and harsh tone Connor used when he interrupted your babbling. Not once has he ever raised his voice like this, not even during your worst fight.

His body visibly trembles as he goes on an angry rant.

“I don’t need your fake fucking concern, alright? Instead of pretending to worry, just tell me what a useless pile of shit I am.”

Now it is your turn to be angry as you tolerate a lot, but being disrespected draws the line for you.

“Okay Connor, what the fuck?! Nobody is ‘pretending to worry’, everyone wants the best for you. There is literally no reason to treat me like this, I just want to be here for you, okay?” Your tone is sharp and your eyes darken in anger.

“Well okay, I said I don’t want you here so maybe just get the fuck out of here.”

This is it.

It feels like someone just stabbed a knife in your heart and cut your oxygen supply as you stand there like a stone, barely breathing.

You feel the tears coming up and eventually fall as you shakingly raise your voice again.

“Did you mean what you just said?”

Desperately, you wait for the moment where he apologises. Where he holds you in his arms and tells you that he’s sorry and that he needs you. You cling onto the last experiences of your previous fights because this current figure that stands in front of you cannot possibly be the person you love, right?

But it never comes.

Instead, it is him who stands up and aims to walk to the hallway.

“Yes and since you are not leaving, I will just do that.”

You see him passing by, not even bothering to look at your hysterically crying demeanour, which just adds to your throbbing pain in your chest. It feels like a bad dream, but the loud click of the door brings you back to the dull present.

Not only did Connor break your heart into multiple pieces, he also deliberately stomped on it several times without further ado.

From this moment, you act on autopilot.

You pack all your stuff together, not even caring about which things you knock over in the process. Your cooked dinner still stands on the counter as if it is mocking you - how dare you trust your heart to someone who destroyed it with such an icy manner that it could rival the temperatures at the North Pole. 

You do not even know how you manage to book an uber to the airport, but you do and as you try to calm yourself down, you try to think of several exit plans, but they all end with you flying back to Chicago.

At the information desk, you are lucky that the service worker is so understanding and patient with you as you barely understand yourself during your rambling and sniffles in between and eventually, get yourself booked on the last flight back to Chicago.

Out of this city that has taken everything from you.

—

You call in sick for the next few days.

Ever since you came back home, you barely recognise yourself. All you did the past few days is crying, screaming and laying in bed as this heartbreak has taken every belief you used to have from you.

When your body physically could not do either of the things anymore, you doomscroll through social media, trying to find a distraction, but of course your feed is full of hockey videos and most specifically, Connor’s injury as the Blackhawks finally confirmed the extent of it.

Everywhere you go, you are reminded of him.

It starts with social media and ends in your apartment in which you find his hoodies that he more or less left here on purpose so that you always had something to snuggle in whenever you missed him. You see his sport supplements in the kitchen or find his toothbrush in the bathroom - you simply cannot escape him.

Just within a few months, he had occupied your whole life.

The worst thing is that you are unable to confide in someone with the full story. Sure, your best friend in your hometown immediately got a call and offered to fly out to you, but you know that she has work commitments that she desperately needs to do. She does call you every day and makes sure to remind you to take care of yourself, which you appreciate.

Additionally, you do not trust yourself yet to tell her that it was Connor that had broken your heart because in theory, you two were a secret to everyone. Although you obviously do not know if he had told someone else about you yet. 

You certainly did not and as a consequence, you are suffering in silence.

After one week, you decide that you cannot throw away this internship opportunity just because some hockey boy broke your heart. So you get yourself together and announce yourself to your team that you are coming back to the office.

In your team’s eyes, you had a pretty bad flu so they welcome you back with open arms, which you answer with a mild smile and announce that you cannot wait to be back at work. Perhaps your countless overtime hours are a blessing in disguise because they scold you and say we told you that you should take care more of yourself.

Little do they know that the reason for your sickness is not too far away from here.

Another week passes by and you slowly get back to a rhythm that allows yourself to say that you are somewhat okay. The pain never completely dissolves as you still see Connor’s  name and face everywhere. You did hear that Connor is to resume his recovery in Chicago, meaning that you will eventually see him again, but for now, you do not think about that. Obviously, he has not contacted you ever since, which has slightly enraged you as you could be dead for all that you care and he would not know a thing.

The trigger point comes with his contract extension.

As you swipe the notification away, the bitterness in you comes back. Just a few weeks ago, you would have been delighted, and would have celebrated it together with him.

Now all you feel is contempt and misery.

Because now you will definitely pass him by, at least until the end of your internship, and the mere thought of that makes you sick. How are you supposed to act normal in front of him and not scream out to the world that Connor Bedard is a heartless asshole that hurt people's feelings as if they are disposable.

For some reason, your finger lands on his contact.

You have not yet blocked him anywhere as there still had been a tiny hope that he would contact you again and at least have some decency to apologise. Because you refuse to believe that your human sense is so bad that you had misjudged Connor so much. That all you experienced with him meant at least something to him.

But all you see is your last message weeks ago that had asked him what he wants for dinner as soon as he returns from the hospital.

Before you can even overthink this, you type a message and send it without thinking twice.

Congrats on your new contract. Seems like you did not lie in this regard.

You are not even sure if he is going to respond to that, but a strange feeling of pettiness builds up in your body. Because if you cannot forget about him, he also does not deserve to forget what he lost.

Nonetheless, you slightly shriek as you see the bubble with three dots appear.

Connor Bedard: Thanks. My priority was always to stay.

Nothing else. No other message is sent and you stare at it, not knowing how to interpret it.

After leaving the app and touching it again countless times, you finally decide to ask the question. The one that has been haunting you ever since you left that night in Vancouver. Because you know that otherwise, you would never.

Did you let me go?

Did you?