@sweetbittr.
he's quiet for a minute. " it didn't go well. she said i was — too weird. "
are they all destined to have absolutely horrific dating lives?
"well, her loss."
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@sweetbittr
@sweetbittr.
he's quiet for a minute. " it didn't go well. she said i was — too weird. "
are they all destined to have absolutely horrific dating lives?
"well, her loss."

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"i mean ––"
she shouldn't have brought it up. andrew is going to be upset with her. and she will feel guilty for upsetting stella, which she already has, but ––
"–– that he's your father."
and don't most children –– children like stella and ellie and andrew and ridley and isabel and maybe even vincent, growing up in impossible shadows, existing in families with impossible secrets, shouldering some of the weight, whether they realize it or not, of all the things their parents want to be better and kinder and easier –– make excuses for their mothers and fathers? think they understand them better than anyone else could?
"so you'll see him differently than other people do."
STELLA IS MORE FRUSTRATED THAN SHE WOULD LIKE TO ADMIT, BUT IT'S OBVIOUS IN THE WAY SHE'S JUMPING TO SPEAK AS SOON AS ELLIE'S WORDS HAVE LEFT HER MOUTH, BARELY LEAVING TIME FOR THEM TO SETTLE.
"But that doesn't mean—"
Oh, she really doesn't mean to sound so sharp. It just drives her a little crazy, the dissonance between who her father is and who everyone else wants him to be.
"—that doesn't mean I'm wrong." Less reliable.
"You haven't even seen him in years. You and Andrew."
stella's life is so different from ellie's. stella's family is so different than ellie's. detached, cold. distant. it feels strange and sad to be older and aware of these things and to hear stella try to defend them and maybe this conversation won't matter at all, will only make things worse.
(but andrew and stella are close. ellie isn't completely oblivious; maybe andrew hasn't outright admitted anything to her, but she doesn't have to. it makes her nervous, to think of him becoming more entwined with the romano family.)
"don't you think that's kind of weird, too?" she says. "your mom and my mom –– they're friends. and we don't ever see each other."
"I guess you have a point." Her laughter is nervous, like she's been caught in some shameful act, or in trying to play coy. And maybe she has been caught—the eye contact that ensues is awfully damning.
"—my shirt?" She uses this as an excuse to look down and away from Ellie. It's a white button-up that cost way more than a white button-up ever should. The buttons alone, I mean—come on.
"—I think Mom got it. I don't know. Sometimes she likes shopping."
"it's nice."
she can't picture mrs. romano shopping, but surely she must. whenever she tries to imagine the inner workings of the romano household, it comes up impossibly blank.
"so ––"
she leans in a little closer.
"i heard you went to andrew's opening night."
" right, right. " the pen spins in her hand, and she's tempted to make helicopter noises. she refrains. " i don't think you're going to like the next question. " a beat. then another. the pen spins. " your father — how did his time as a shield operative influence your decisions in your future endeavors? "
"then maybe you shouldn't ask it."
which won't happen, of course. she doubts octavia is capable of the self-restraint.
isabel's expression shutters. not for the first time, she regrets agreeing to this.
"i don't want to talk about my father."
her father keeps to himself. he prefers it that way. he has earned his privacy, his quiet life, whatever it is he wants of it. isabel won't allow someone to come in and try to take that away; her mother and shilah certainly wouldn't, either.
"so i hope you have some other questions," she says, "if you want to keep this going. otherwise, i'm more than happy to leave."
okay, well, she didn't have to say it like that. " i think you're cute. "
wasn't this supposed to be a business dinner?
"you're changing the subject."

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@sweetbittr.
" -- you think i'm cute? "
"i think you'd like for me to think that you are."
OF COURSE SHE THINKS THAT!
Why can't everyone else just see what she sees?
Does she have to make them? Does she have to induce audiovisual hallucinations in her friends and family in order to compel them to accept a reality where Daniel Romano is generous and gentle and kind?
Oh, god. The thought that that is what it would take—it fills Stella with dismay. She endeavors to be less dramatic.
But still.
"What do you mean, of course I do?"
"i mean ––"
she shouldn't have brought it up. andrew is going to be upset with her. and she will feel guilty for upsetting stella, which she already has, but ––
"–– that he's your father."
and don't most children –– children like stella and ellie and andrew and ridley and isabel and maybe even vincent, growing up in impossible shadows, existing in families with impossible secrets, shouldering some of the weight, whether they realize it or not, of all the things their parents want to be better and kinder and easier –– make excuses for their mothers and fathers? think they understand them better than anyone else could?
"so you'll see him differently than other people do."
"You're just saying that because it's the nice answer."
"No but, though! I'm serious. I was just admiring."
And skeptically looking over those straight-cut, pre-distressed Free People jeans...and smiling! Always smiling.
"it can be nice and true. they're not mutually exclusive."
she hates her clothes, doesn't she? ellie catches the glance, can practically feel the well-intentioned judgement radiating from her. she has never met someone so preoccupied by what someone else wears and still so adamant about not acknowledging it.
ellie stares back, lets her gaze flit over stella's spotless clothes, the clean, tailored lines of them.
"i like your shirt, by the way. is that new?"
@ruinaa / @sweetbittr // ellie said: we were only kids back then. we didn't know any better.
STOP SAYING WE!
Because Stella certainly doesn't agree with what Ellie is insisting, right now, and Andrew couldn't possibly, because if Andrew did, that would mean Andrew won't see reason when Stella says:
"He's not a bad person."
"He never was, and he never will be."
She refuses to believe that.
she and andrew have been a we long before stella romano ever came into the picture. she would resent that there was ever any thought otherwise, if stella were to say so outright.
"just because you think that, stella ––"
maybe they should not be talking about this at all.
"it doesn't –– of course you'll think of him differently."
@sweetbittr // ellie
"—you're way more talented than me. It's not even a question."
(But does being talented mean you have to dress like that?)
"we're just different. stylistically."
and there's nothing wrong with that!
"i feel like there's a but in there somewhere, though."

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oh my god i'm in
"Thanks, El. Ellie. Seriously. — I don't know, it just feels like I'm an alien talking to strangers. A stranger astronaut talking to aliens. Do you know what I mean?"
He did. Miss you. We all did.
Alex tries to smile, but it's mostly a grimace. They don't like being reminded of the things that they've made people feel. They don't like feeling responsible. (They're like their mother, in this way.)
"You're just saying that to try and make me feel better. To make me feel special. You don't have to lie to me." Actually, Ellie is right — she is better off lying to spare Alex's feelings, lest a spiral ensue.
"sometimes."
mostly with stevie, who comes and goes, is stevie and isn't stevie, is kind to her and then sometimes, accidentally, exceptionally cruel.
(they're on good terms, now. for the last couple of weeks, which is more of a triumph than ellie can bear to admit to anyone. already, she feels as though she's giving him too many chances, trying too hard, contorting herself into this version of herself that she doesn't quite like. but that's not the conversation she and alex are having, and maybe never will be.)
"i'm not lying to you."
the bragins –– save for ridley, most of the time –– are not shy about their feelings. they have grown up in a household where earnestness was encouraged. and, truthfully –– she can't quite grasp why making them feel special would be a bad thing, given everything.
"i'll talk to him." she says. "before he decides he wants to leave after dinner."
"Right."
Far be it from me or you or Ellie or even Alex and Ridley themselves to define the parameters of their relationship, their dynamic, whatever it is they've had going on since childhood that only seems to be significant to one Alex Haven.
They look at Ellie with apprehensive eyes. Apprehensive, yes, but hopeful.
"Would you really do that?" Would you really talk to your own sibling for me?
"yeah, of course."
she's not really sure how ridley will take it, but ellie seems like a good enough buffer; he will be honest with her, or honest in the way that ridley knows how to be with any of them, and if it's not something alex wants to hear –– well, ellie can lie. if it spares alex's feelings, it'll feel like the right thing to do.
"after dinner." she glances at ridley, who still isn't looking at them. "but –– i mean. i'm sure he did. miss you. we all did."
Yes, but most importantly, Ridley hasn't looked at Alex all afternoon. Alex is so self-absorbed that they miss all the telltale signs of an Andrew-Ridley blow-out entirely. It's their first Thanksgiving back with everyone, after all; everything is a bit shocking, a bit overwhelming.
"—I don't know. I want to know if he missed me. There's not a good way to ask that without sounding completely pathetic, though, right?"
"probably not."
ellie feels the best approach, while maybe not the most delicate one, is to be honest. she's not going to pretend to know the in's and out's of ridley and alex's relationship –– truthfully, she hadn't realized there was actually much of a relationship at all, much less one that would involve missing –– and now feels like the worst time to ask about it.
she finishes texting stevie under the table and looks over at alex.
"do you want me to ask him instead?"
@sweetbittr
"He hasn't looked at me all afternoon. Should I say something?"
"what?" ridley hasn't looked at any of them all afternoon, other than her mother and shilah. he and andrew argued upstairs, before alex got here. they are both in a foul mood because of it and trying to pretend otherwise, which is –– normal, as far as these things go. "what would you say?"

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RIDLEY:
it still hurts. cleaning, dabbing, wrapping. but isabel does it all with methodic movements, a practiced art. he wonders how many times she’s had to do it for their mother, for herself, for ellie. ( andrew is the one he less sure of, an outlier in the sense of their similar mutation. )
“ an accident at work. “ he should be thankful; if not for this mutation, it might have killed him. “ i got electrocuted and – i’m not sure what happened. my body reacted on it’s own to release the charge. “
it takes longer than it usually does. because of how bad it is –– there is a moment where isabel thinks she can’t take care of it, that this is beyond her; a small, sparking panic where she does want to call someone else, or have octavia in the room –– and because it’s ridley, the routine unfamiliar between them. she wants to ask more questions that she is not sure ridley would answer. she does not want to think of this as an olive branch, though maybe ridley believes it to be, another means of him repairing something.
“–– has that happened before?” she should not be asking these questions; she should simply know the answers to them, but so much of ridley is still a mystery to her. if he were ellie, or andrew, she would never think of asking; she would just know. “or ––?”
PAPA:
before she had come, he had already sent a warning text to josephine and roman, let them know he was handling whatever was happening here. but looking at her, holding her and feeling her shake, he knows that this is more serious than just a bruised ego or a fight between siblings.
“ it’s okay. it’s alright. “ he repeats, rubbing her back. “ tell me what’s going on, sweetheart. “
it feels inevitable, all of it. maybe there was a time where she thought that things would get better again, right themselves, everything sorted out. even a few hours ago, she thinks that she might’ve been holding onto that, wonders if she had just ignored those first few texts, deleted them as she has before, let him come skulking around as he usually does, if it would’ve been better. not right, far from it, but –– something. different. marginally favorable to this, what she’s sure it will lead to.
and –– really, she can’t tell shilah all of it. she would tell izzy, would pass her the phone and let she and octavia scroll through. she can picture the looks on their faces perfectly, can see the cold, brittle anger in izzy’s eyes, how she will go quiet, octavia speaking for both of them. she cannot do the same with him.
“it’s just ––” she pulls back, presses the heels of her hands into her eyes, sucks in a breath. counts to five and then feels like she can speak without her voice shaking. “–– i’m done. with stevie and his bullshit. i’m just –– i’m really, really done this time. i have to be.”