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this isnt even the full thread, there are even MORE tweets to this thread that i think are really necessary to read if you do what op is talking about! it is not enough to know that feeling this way hurts the people you love, we already know that.
this rest of the thread continues after the third tweet from the reblog.
like THE FULL THREAD is genuinely so reassuring.
sometimes, it is not enough to just know, sometimes you might need that reassurance of "do you really think of me when i'm away?" and someone reassuring you that yeah, they do. and evaluate that! trust that! just like op did.
and then learning that ykw, it's NOT any of my business really. and finding comfort in that trust that like. whether they are or aren't thinking of me, they really do love me.
this full thread changed my life and i am ALWAYS going to give the full thread because the parts people cut out aren't enough for the people experiencing these things, speaking as someone who does. it, really it just makes us, made me, feel bad about my own capabilities when i saw the unfinished thread.
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Aaron Morse (American, b. 1974, b. Tucson, AZ, USA, based Los Angeles, CA, USA) - 1: Wilderness #2, 2018Â 2: Wilderness, 2017, Paintings: Acrylic, Oil on Canvas
$3 download (includes version where you can color in your own Pride flag. Limited restrictions, mostly don't be a fascist or major company: https://ko-fi.com/s/ac6c284e8c
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âThe women leaders in our study were considered too young or too old. They were too short or too tall, too pretty or too unattractive or too heavy. They had too much education or not enough or their degrees were not from the ârightâ schools. They suffered from disrespect and misperceptions due to race, color, or ethnicity. Whether they had children or were childless, the women were expected to work harder than men to prove their worth. Women were held back from leadership opportunities due to being single, married, or divorced. There was no personality trait sweet spot, as introverted women were not seen as leaders and extraverted women were viewed as aggressive. The effect, then, means women leaders are ânever quite right.ââ
A recent study of the 33 biggest multilateral institutions found that of 382 leaders in their history only 47 have been women. And the percentage of women running Fortune 500 companies has only just recently crested a meager 10%.
As researchers we wondered why institutions consistently fail to promote women to top jobs. Our recent study of 913 women leaders from four female-dominated industries in the U.S. (higher education, faith-based nonprofits, law, and healthcare) sheds light on this pernicious problem. As we found, thereâs always a reason why women are ânever quite rightâ for leadership roles.
Women are criticized so often and on so many things that they are acculturated to receiving such disparagement, taking it seriously, and working to make improvements. And any individual woman may take it personally, believing the criticism directed at her to be warranted.
But our research reveals that the problem lies elsewhere. Virtually any characteristic can be leveraged against a woman in a discriminatory fashion. Such criticisms often relate to facets of womenâs identity in an overt or subtle way, such as race, age, parental status, attractiveness, and physical ability.
Effectively, the surface-level critique functions as a âred herring,â distracting from the inherent gender bias driving the encounter. This type of treatment is so common that we have called it âwe want what you arenâtâ discrimination.
More specifically, our research revealed 30 different characteristics and qualities of a womanâs identity that emerged as points of criticism creating barriers to womenâs success. The clear message to women is thatâwhatever they areâthey are ânever quite right.â
Age was a consistent challenge for women leaders in our study. Some of our respondents reported being considered too young to lead, while others indicated being too old hindered them from advancing.
However, being middle-aged didnât help womenâs career prospects either. A physician shared: âI am middle-aged, and men my age are seen as mature leaders and women my age as old.â
Parental statusâhaving children or being childlessâemerged as another point of criticism. A higher-education leader described how people assume she âcanât take on a bigger role âbecause of the kids,ââ which made her feel that she needed âto work extra hardâ to show that she could be both a dedicated mother and a leader.
On the other hand, a childless physician was expected to âwork harder/more, accomplish moreâ than other female colleagues. Mothers were also bypassed for career opportunities, as happened to a single divorced lawyer who was the mother of preschoolers, âdue to a perception by my male bosses that I cannot or should not handle [larger matters].â
Likewise, pregnancy was problematic, particularly for lawyers in our study. There was doubt that women would come back to work after maternity leave. Some were no longer given good assignments, while others were forced to quit private practice or work part time. One lawyer described the loss of confidence from bosses:
âOnce you are pregnant or trying to have kids, the way management views you deteriorates. The opposite thing happens for male coworkers. Iâve seen it in so many law firms itâs impossible to argue it was just coincidence or based on merit.â
Simply planning on having kids was enough to invoke bias. A woman in higher education reported being denied promotion because she would need maternity leave for hypothetical future children.
Women of color were targets of subtle bias. An African American faith-based leader described being âinvisibleâ and regularly âtalked overâ by white men. A Native American higher-education executive described being misperceived as weak, âwhen in fact we are practicing ârespectâ for ourselves and others.â And a Filipina physician described facing role incredulity, as people assumed that she was âa nurse, and not a doctor and a division chief at that.â
Even physical ability and health played into the womenâs experiences. Physical disabilities led to assumptions of not being capable. One higher-education leader who uses a crutch was questioned by men about the way she walks and has been told âto hide my cane, especially for photographs,â as she said.
Regarding health, there were double standards around the way men and women with illnesses were treated. A physician developed ovarian cancer while serving as an officer in the public health service. She explained, âThe plan was to discharge me . . . even though men with prostate cancer didnât have to go through that.â
The women leaders in our study were considered too young or too old. They were too short or too tall, too pretty or too unattractive or too heavy. They had too much education or not enough or their degrees were not from the ârightâ schools. They suffered from disrespect and misperceptions due to race, color, or ethnicity. Whether they had children or were childless, the women were expected to work harder than men to prove their worth. Women were held back from leadership opportunities due to being single, married, or divorced. There was no personality trait sweet spot, as introverted women were not seen as leaders and extraverted women were viewed as aggressive. The effect, then, means women leaders are ânever quite right.â
Organizations that fail to promote and support women in their top roles miss out on performance gains. Fortunately, there are concrete steps that organizational leaders, allies, and individual women can take to mitigate this ânever quite rightâ bias, aiding womenâs workplace advancement.
âFlip it to test itâ
Leaders can be particularly effective in thwarting sexist criticisms toward women. Itâs not about changing the behavior of womenâwho are the recipients of the unfair treatmentâbut it is about changing the behaviors of those who justify their actions as somehow merited. Many criticisms fail the âflip it to test itâ method miserably. Ask yourself, would the following statements ever be said about a man?
He needs to smile more.
Men are going to have kids and not want to work.
Since Larry has prostate cancer, he can no longer fulfill his job duties.
The clear answer is no. Leaders can infuse awareness of this simple, yet effective, tool to reduce such bias-laden criticisms. And workplace allies can help stop unfair criticism of women by calling it out.
Constructive career-enhancing feedback
Women are almost one and a half times more likely to receive negative feedback that is subjective rather than constructive and objective feedback. Men are often given a clearer idea of where they excel and opportunities for improvement whereas women are given vague feedback that often focuses on qualities like communication style. Even when using formal performance evaluation rubrics, a disparity remains.
Developmental feedback to women focuses on operational tasks, coping with politics, developing resilience, being cooperative, and building confidence. Developmental feedback to men focuses on setting a vision, leveraging power and politics, being assertive, and displaying confidence. Leaders can reduce the gender-biased framing by encouraging all employees to develop both sets of skills.
Do not take it personally
For individual women, hear us when we say, âItâs not you.â We women are conditioned to accept feedback and internalize it as something to âfixâ about ourselves. If you are criticized, consider whether it is objective, constructive, and warranted. Disregard identity-based criticisms that are part of a larger pattern of bias against women.
Our research demonstrates that practically any characteristic can be proclaimed problematic for a woman leader to question her competence and suitability for leadership. It takes deliberate effort, but we can turn the message to women from âWe want what you arenâtâ into âWe want what you are.â Doing so will advance women in the workplace and profit the entire organization.
Amy Diehl, PhD, is chief information officer at Wilson College and a gender equity researcher, speaker, and consultant. She is coauthor of Glass Walls: Shattering the Six Gender Bias Barriers Still Holding Women Back at Work.
Leanne M. Dzubinski, PhD, is acting dean of the Cook School of Intercultural Studies and associate professor of intercultural education at Biola University, and a prominent researcher on women in leadership. She is coauthor of Glass Walls: Shattering the Six Gender Bias Barriers Still Holding Women Back at Work.
Amber L. Stephenson, PhD, is an associate professor of management and director of healthcare management programs in the David D. Reh School of Business at Clarkson University. Her research focuses on how professional identity influences attitudes and behaviors and how women leaders experience gender bias.
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