Forever Lost

I don’t want it

I wish we could have bonded over that incident, like we connected on a deeper level with that. Before he betrayed my trust, I really thought that that’s what was going to happen. It made it easier for me to go through it/sign up for that and all. It’s been 4/5 years now, we never bonded over it or connected on a deeper level. It feels too late for that now and it’d feel forced.

He always says that he doesn’t need a lot of money or anything of that sort. If so, he should have just gone through taking care of a kid then. To me, it seems like it was never a financial thing that was his number one worry, it was just how he was going to be perceived by his family. As if that is worth more that your own flesh and blood.

Even if I don’t make it to heaven, the best torture would be to watch how different my life would have been if I didn’t go through it. Even torturing myself by watching it would be the best thing ever just because I could have seen a glimpse of them. I find some comfort that in another universe, they’re alive and we’re thriving somehow. I’m jealous of that me so much.

I really hope heaven is real because when I die, they’re the first person I want to see. I miss something I never saw.

I also wish Gio wasn’t the type to just give up and go for an abortion. I wish he was different that time. I regret it. Everything else is just meaningless. Nothing beats your own flesh and blood over some material things and a piece of paper that you can obtain at any point of your life.

I love Gio and all but sometimes I play devils advocate and wonder if we should have split. Like why did I let someone who did that to me back in my life. Did I not think I deserved better. The trust is never gonna be like it was before. I also don’t like when he says that I’m going to have to work and take raise kids. Wtf I don’t want that life. I want my future husband to feel confident and only wants me to raise our kids, not have others raise our kids. I want my future husband to say he got us and he trusts me to raise our kids well. I wanna feel feminine, not like a goddam man. It means a lot to me that I give them the attention and care I never received as a child. No way I’m repeating the cycle. I love him but thinking of the future frustrates me

I want some I can call home And be all mushy with without feeling like they’ll betray me Someone who wouldn’t hurt me What did I do to deserve being hurt What did I do to you people I keep letting those people in

Dear God if you’re real, send me someone please

I am so tired of feeling like this

I feel alone all the time I just want one person that I can connect with that won’t leave I’m so tired

I really locked myself out of my stupid fuck shit room and I have nowhere to sleep I absolutely have nobody here Fuck this city I hate feeling so lonely here Even more so than before