スペンサー

Thinkpad

Lost my mom last year.

Technically an orphan now.

Gonna make my dream come true and become an artist.

I went to Hawaii for a week. It’s been great and I’ve honestly had a lot of fun.

My father is not looking good.

A lot of what I'm going through right now is kinda insane, I don't know how I'm not losing it, but I suppose the years of working on my mental fortitude finally paid off.

The house I live in is in shambles, and borderline hoarder status which I've been trying to clean for the last year. My dad refuses to clean or renovate the house, and it's only gotten worse. Imagine, buying a house built in the 50's, with the shag carpet never removed.

I'm still healing from my previous health issues from parasites eating me from the inside out. I can feel myself getting better and progressing, but I know a lot of my issues just lie in me being more disciplined. It's hard to be around temptation and not give into that temptation, but I am going to overcome it all, I can feel myself getting better every day.

My mind is still healing from the trauma, depression, and self loathing I had when I was younger. I worked so much on my mindset and getting out of depression, it feels like the universe wants to test that and see if I'll fall back. I know I won't, I'm not that dude anymore. I do know I have been enjoying getting my body back into shape by doing pushups and boxing drills when I do feel frustrated.

My car doesn't work, anything I've tried to do to fix it has not worked. Shops I've taken it to haven't been able to fix it, or don't look at it at all and tell me to come pick it up, sometimes they just ghost me all together.

My personal life is just kinda shitty. My mom passed away last year, and before all that it was mainly her being a vegetable for a long time after her second stroke during COVID. When I started to think back on it, I realized my mom metaphorically passed away when I was 15 or 16. I just never processed that because she was physically "here." but In reality, I lost my mom a long time ago.

Now my dad is sick, and looks like he's basically borderline on his way out as I watch him deteriorate every day in front of my eyes. He looks terrible, and basically shit his pants today which I had to clean up.

I am basically his nurse/maid, and I have 0 income right now. It feels devastating to me. Having to clean up after him but also know that he doesn't appreciate me or likely wished I didn't exist for most of my life. It wouldn't be so bad if the house was nice or clean, I could keep it clean. Since it's a mess and filthy, I just have no care to clean it anymore. I honestly, am just tired. I don't feel like it's my responsibility to clean the entire house when its all of my dad's shit he's hoarded for 40-50 years laying around.

I didn't think I'd be this young having to take care of my parents. It just.. flat out sucks and I'm not sure if I'm morally fucked up here, but I can not handle taking care of my father alone without income while I try to do all this other shit.

I feel like if something else in my life was going right then it could at least balance how shitty my life is at the moment.

It always feels like at the times where I am finally getting ahead in life, my parents always come and crash in on it trying their best to fuck it up.

I was planning to go to Cleveland in two weeks for World Yo-Yo competition, but seeing as how my dad can barely make it to the bathroom alone, I don't think he can survive by himself for more than a day. It's.. heartbreaking because I'm just unsure on what I'm supposed to do. I keep doing what I feel is right but every turn i make seemingly hits a wall and crashes. I rebuild, start again and the universe throws another wall in front of me I can't avoid.

The only thing that keeps me sane is being grateful for what I do have in life, and praying for a miracle to happen. I need help, sincerely. Money would help, support, my dad's health back, my car working, my health back, any of these things... would be really nice to have improved.

If I had my health I think that would be the best thing. Money next, because then I could just dump money into renovating the house and permanently buy a nurse or something for my father.

I ran into her again and had a list of things to say but didn't say anything. I truly missed my chance.

I was preoccupied with my yo-yo, not wearing my glasses, looking down, and didn't notice her until she was coming up infront of me on the other side of the street. Once I saw her, she was already right next to me and I was mid trick.

I couldn't process it, she looked so good. She had on glasses today, they were clear rimmed. Her hair was done up in a bun again, sorta messy, exactly how I love it. She had a white shirt on with a plaid green shirt on and khaki shorts of some sort. Ugh, she's.. so cute.

By the time I processed she was here, she had already passed, we waved, and all I could get out was "I love the fit again!"

Immediately as I walked down the street.

"FOOL YOU HAD A LIST OF THINGS TO SAY TO HER! I watched the movie, it was great. I love your smile. Do you have a boyfriend. Are you single. Can I have your number. Is it okay if I join you on your walk. Can we talk? AND YOU COULDN'T BLURT OUT ONE?"

"I should go run to her and ask her for her number."

"No, don't you fool, she'll think you're a creep."

"it's okay, we went over this, I tripped up last time we talked, she asked to go to coffee right? and I should've asked for her number already. We should run, what are we waiting for?"

"Dummy, you're going to make her uncomfortable if you run after her."

"Ok I'll wait here til she comes around."

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING! WAITING!? THATS STALKER MODE!"

"Ok, I'll keep walking, maybe she'll catch up."

"Catch up? Idiot, you blew your chance already. Mr. NPC who just repeats the same stupid shit /say Love your fit. you fool."

By the time my internal monologue had finished, I was already far down the street and lost in my own thoughts.

Today I ran into her again, it was such a nice talk and I'm positive I've fallen for her.

The conversation was so good. Maybe too good, scary good. It was also the first time I got a REALLY good look at her up close. Last time we were walking side by side and it's hard to... turn my head and look at her cause I'm shy as fuck.

She and I ran into each other at a corner and she had spoken so kindly about my art and we just kind of hit it off after that. During this conversation I had realized just HOW pretty she was. I had always thought she was pretty, her outfits, her hair, her smile, her eyes, it was all just... so nice. But seeing her up close while we were standing for a while was just... almost too hard to not stare. Her smile could knock you out, it's that stunning, easily her best feature. She also had her hair up in a bun that was kinda messy and it just looked so cute.

While we were standing talking about stuff I could tell the conversation was leading to the end and I .. never.. do this. but I just unconsciously yelled out "is it okay if I keep walking with you?"

But right before she said that, she had mentioned "we can talk and grab coffee sometime." I basically cut her off in a way, and I regret doing so. I should've gotten her number. (first fumble)

I just felt like that conversation was going so well and I wanted to know more about her, so I acted out of my own norm and asked to spend more time with her.

During this time, we started walking and she mentioned that she appreciated that I asked if it was okay. She said that she walks alone to clear her mind and listen to music. Her mother gets sad sometimes because she wants to walk with her, but she likes to walk alone. I told her I understood and didn't want to force her to walk with me, I really.. don't want to intrude or make her uncomfortable.

I always thought I'd just.. be a neighbor who smiles and waves at her as we walk by, I never really thought we'd become friends or talk.

She said it was ok and that it was a testament to me, which I made me feel great. I did a lil fist pump inside.

I told her that I definitely felt like she may enjoy walking alone so I didn't want to intrude but I asked her about her music interests. She started off like we all do "a bit of everything." but then she mentioned emo music and bands like circa survive, taking back sunday, and I blurted out "no way, are we the same age? how old are you?" (second fumble)

Such an idiot, this is what happens when you're an introverted nerd who doesn't talk to girls. You forget the #1 or #2 rule, Don't ask their weight or their age. You freaking fool. I need to apologize for that one.. I was just, too excited thinking we were the same age. I honestly thought she was 22-24.

We started talking about our past a little bit to introduce ourselves to each other and we just seemed to have very similar mindsets or outlooks on life, along with similar life paths.

The reason we never ran into eachother is because she moved here after high school which is when I was out of the house and I didnt move back til a few years ago, with very brief stints of moving back home in between those years. She had left to Korea to "find herself" after COVID during 2021, which is crazy because I was planning to go to Japan right before COVID hit to "find myself" as well. I just felt a bit... of a loser because I didn't do what I set out to do because of COVID. Though I guess in my head, the way to cope with this one is that I told myself at the time it's better to fight my issues head on than to run from them. Likely a mistake, I should've ran.

Then we started talking about other interests and films. Her interest in films really intrigues me because I personally just enjoy watching movies or anime, or well just most media.

I wanted to know more about her movie she's making and what it was about. She asked me what my favorite films were and I kinda got shell shocked for a second because I didn't know what to say. There's so many films, what do you say at this moment in time, what's my favorite film? I never even thought about it that much because there's so many good ones. Favorite? Matrix.

I asked for hers and she mentioned Wong Kar Wai films and I just knew, alright, this girl is making me fall for her more and more. She expressed how they made her feel, and how it inspired her to start film making. It was nice to see her talk about that and share her passion with me.

We were leading to our end and she recommended that I watch Millennium Mambo, which I did immediately afterwards. I recommended Requiem for a Dream, and we left on that note.

I did not ask her for her number (third fumble)

Being single for over a decade really does stuff to your mental state. I suppose being an introverted NEET doesn't help that.

I watched the movie she recommended to me that night. I wanted to have something to talk about with her the next time we saw eachother.

Then I came back home and saw myself in the mirror and I had scabs on my face. Realizing this is what she was looking at while I stared so intently at her, then remembering how pretty her smile was and how.. . not mine is... It made me remember that.. I'm not fit for dating, it hurt a lot to think about, but it made me feel like.. I shouldn't do anything that makes her think I want to date her, even though I do.

I first saw her walking around the neighborhood this year but she always walked with her headphones in and at a strikingly fast pace for someone smaller.

My own personality is the type to mind my own business, maybe a trait given through DNA in japanese people but I never wanted to bother her. I just thought she was a pretty girl who walked around our neighborhood, which has a lot of people walking it, never anyone like her though, it's mostly elder adults.

Time passed and we started running into each other consistently which I guess helped break the ice. I asked her if she wanted to pet Inari when we ran into each other one time and we briefly exchanged our names, then she was off again because I'm awk as fuck.

Weeks passed and we had briefly talked again after she had walked up behind me one day making me look like a freaking sissy lmao. I bet she has a playful cute side to her. She asked about the yo-yo and I told her about my company, gave her some stickers and explained a bit about the company and myself. She was so nice, and I honestly thought about how pleasant her voice sounded.

She mentioned my cars and I found out she likes old cars and her dream ride is a Convertible Mustang. So, she's not only pretty, but she also likes cars and has a good taste, I think.. I'm falling for her.

I asked her if she was still in school or what she was doing. I think I'm older than her, she looks like she's probably in her early or mid 20's.

I thought about a lot of things in life recently. One of them being instagram and my use of it, or rather, the lack of respect we get from Suckerberg. AI is forcing me away from posting on instagram where I've been doing all of my art posting since 2018.

Feeling disgusted, and unsure on where to go, certainly not wanting to go to twitter. I thought about tumblr again.

I thought about how much I loved being on tumblr back on the day, looking at old screen shots, thinking about that failed event they had and all the other things that go with tumblr. I feel like the takeover by yahoo did damage that may be irreversible, but for me I don't think there's any other social media platform that fits me better than tumblr does.

The only reason I left tumblr is because I felt like the doom scrolling was getting the best of me. I think the fact you can reblog things really made it feel like I could endlessly scroll, like, reblog, and talk to people all day long. Truly, felt like an actual social media site where you could meet new people.

So I'm back, and the first posts are going to be diary entries because that's a big reason I wanted to come back. I need a place to write, vent and talk about stuff without having to buy some sort of app that cost money that was limited to specific things. Tumblr is on every device, it can be accessed anywhere, and it can accept me writing out a wall of text.

Haven’t posted since 2013.

I’ve gone through a lot since then, it’s almost been a decade now... Looking through all my posts is kinda wild.

I miss the era of Xanga, I’m sure no one remembers that. But I think that tumblr always fully embraced everything I wanted out of a social media site. I just needed time away to work on myself - it’s nice to be back.