Survivor Support

I have not posted in forever. I just logged in for the first time this... year?!? Wow. I used to be on here all the time! Things have definitely changed lately. I am 28 weeks pregnant right now with my second. Another girl! We are very excited!! My husband and I always wanted two girls!

I saw that I received some messages. I don't know how old the messages are. I'll be honest, I am actually going through a lot right now, so I do not feel that I can respond just now. I am trying to keep my stress levels down. Last week was very stressful and things just kept happening. It took a lot out of me.

I want to suggest a website that is active for those who need to talk or vent. It's called Pandora's Aquarium. I used it a lot back when I needed it. I just checked the site, and logged in, and it is still running. It still looks very active. Here is the link:

November 12th.

Last night I had a nightmare where I was fighting off a bad guy a lot and was therefore kicking in my sleep. I woke up with my blankets everywhere and my dog was out of bed since it was so much kicking. My Fitbit showed that my heart rate went up super high in my sleep, too.

My dog can walk away. But my little fetus can’t. I always feel bad after a bad night. I have had at least 2 nights where I screamed in my sleep during this pregnancy. Most nights are relatively fine, and that’s what I need to remind myself. She will be fine.

There was a tiktok video that also triggered a bad memory about this rapist. The fact that he named his daughter after me. It’s just so disturbing. That is something I wish I never learned. It’s just so weird and freakish.

Pregnancy hormones all over the place. Super irritable today. Now this weird ptsd funk.

It leaves me feeling so confused, since I am not suffering from C-PTSD like I did in the past. I am not having those same flashbacks or panic attacks (though I still do have panic attacks, since my anxiety is going to always be part of me). Everything is much less. How is this still a thing.

I just googled my first college rapist and he is going to have to go to jail for evading the police during a DUI. The time has not been set yet. It could be 90 days to 5 years. And he will lose his license for 18 months.

Yesterday on Reddit my husband read a post of someone who had been robbed in a nearby city, and their story was identical to mine. I messaged them and after comparing notes we quickly realized that it was the same exact man who robbed us. We updated the police in our areas about this information. The other victim is a man, which makes me feel better about the whole thing. Anyway, he had to deactivate the comment section on his Reddit post because of all the victim blaming.

I had not posted to the local Facebook group about it out of embarrassment. I did post in it yesterday after learning of the other victim, since it is clear that this criminal is targeting people in the dark outside of banks. While most responses have been very nice and supportive, I have had some that were very judgmental. One man in particular was awful and another woman quickly came to my defense and said that he has male privilege and does not know what it is like to walk alone as a woman.

When I made the police report, the male cop jokingly said "try not to let it happen again." That's good advice. Yeah, I will just turn off my trauma brain next time.

I haven't googled my first college rapist in a while. It's been like 2 years since I last googled him.

I decided to do so just now.

The very first article that I clicked onto says that he was arrested in November 2022 for evading police during a traffic stop. He was speeding.

It was the anniversary of one rape yesterday but the flashbacks were to another. Did the math and it hurts my brain because it makes me feel that much older.

And the 11th anniversary of my brother’s death is next week.

I hate February.

:) :) Singing and clapping really do help! I sing every day to myself and to my pets. I'm not a good singer by any means but I find it cheerful to do so. I make up songs about everything.