surgery

I’m having a very hard time letting go. Firstly, it’s because I felt like we had so much potential. We had so much more to do. We were going to go camping later. We were going to go see a VR experience at Wonderspaces. I wanted to travel, and I wanted to travel with you. I wanted to go everywhere with you in hand.

Secondly, I don’t do well when things happen that are out of my control. I hate it. I want to be in control. But I couldn’t have predicted this and I can barely understand the absurdity of it. 

I can’t be with you if you ex is living with you, staying in the same fucking bed as you, day after day. You guys aren’t working so you will just spend time together that was supposed to be ours. We were supposed to spend that time together.

We also got in a fight at the end, which really sours up the whole ending experience. I had bought you these vintage Marlboro shirts you wanted at the vintage fair but couldn’t afford. So I found some online and bought them for you. They came in the mail on Wednesday, but we were still fighting that day and I couldn’t see you. Then the next day you had something to tell me. And you wouldn’t tell me what it was. So I began thinking it was the worst to come. And it truly was. It was not something I could have anticipated, but it did turn out to be a nightmare come true.

I look back fondly at the times we had. I loved that day where we took a day trip to Newport Beach. And we walked along the beach, hand in hand. And we got lunch, which was delicious. Then we were in my car and I put on Molchat Doma (Russian band), and you liked it. And I always feel really good when you like the music I recommend because I know you love music so much. (You were the only person I’ve ever met that knew who my favorite band, stellastarr* was. And you gave me their second album that you got when you were a teenager. And it was the best gift I ever had.) And then we got boba. We went to target, and took selfies. And they were absolutely adorable. We were so cute. Then we drove around the OC at night, with no destination in mind. I loved that. It was so romantic. So carefree.

We came back and had sex and fell asleep. And I loved sleeping with you. You didn’t get too hot for me. I always worried about you because you couldn’t sleep very well. Combined with your anxiety, you were up at odd times in the middle of the night and I would worry. Especially because one time you literally just left in the middle of the night because your anxiety got out of control. I loved sleeping with you that one night in your room. I usually don’t like sleeping at other people’s houses. I’ve been known to just dip in the middle of the night. But I didn’t leave that night. I felt so comfortable in your arms, seeing your face in the candlelight. I stayed the night and that surprised me, but it was so nice sleeping in your arms.

I always worried about you because of all the bad things going on in your life. Your mental instability, financial instability, and family issues. But it didn’t deter me. I would have been with you throughout it all. And I know you always felt you were inadequate. Because you were not where I was financially, or as far along in a career as I was. I looked like I had everything under control. But you didn’t see my bad sides. You haven’t seen me when my bipolar got bad. But I know you would have been there for me, just like I would have been there for you when you were struggling. I know you felt like you lacked things, but I was never missing anything with you. I don’t need money, gifts, food, or whatever else you think you can’t provide. I can take care of myself and I just wanted you to take care of me in ways that I cannot for myself.

I know you thought we were opposites at some point. But that’s not true. We are alike in so many ways. Our music, our clothes, our food, our (lack of) religion, philosophy, existential dread and apathy. The way I said, “you haunt me,” and how you mentioned that those words had meant something to you years back. Your most cherished album, Haunt Me, Haunt Me, Do It Again. It was your Instagram bio for many years in the past. And I feel like that’s not really something people say commonly. “You haunt me.” I just feel like all these small things where we connect, they all add up to something bigger.

I remember at the beginning when you came over, the first few times- you had these deja vu experiences. These flashbacks as if we had done this before. And perhaps it’s our mind playing tricks. But perhaps it was because we had done it before. In another time, another dimension, we had met, and we knew each other, and grew close. I’d like to think that we are connected in some way throughout different dimensions and time. That our memories are intertwined throughout all the lives we knew each other in. Just like I know Darcy is and will always be with me in every single life and dimension or universe, I had hoped that we were also connected too in a profound way- beyond space and time.

It’s fall now and finally getting colder. I’m sad that you won’t be seeing me in my sweaters. And my jean jackets. I know you always wore that jean jacket even though it was way to hot to wear it. But I pretty much live in jean jackets too. You just haven’t experienced cold weather Carmen yet. And I really wish you could have. Because I, too, dress like that. Black on black. Dr Martens. I always loved your necklaces and rings. I would play with them when we talked. It was comforting.