Before I fall in love again 1. I want us to be friends. Which means, I want to be able to eat my favourite cheese crust pizza with you, while having cheese all over my face and even in my hair, without feeling embarrassed or concerned about it. I want to be comfortable with you, I want to be okay about being messy, irritating, embarrassing, disgusting, petty while with you. Because I will be petty when I see my ex best friend post a happy picture and I will be messy during my finals and I will be embarrassing when I meet your parents for I suck at meeting parents. I want to be okay with being the way I am and the only way to be okay is to know that you’re okay with me being things other than beautiful, graceful and composed at all times. 2. I want to be able to have long and passionate conversations with you not just about existential things but also about what went wrong in the ending of that book and how kids are affected by media and how tomato basil combination always works. I want to have conversations where we may not always have the same views but our fundamental values always fall in place. I want to talk to you about the beauty of the stars but I also want to talk to you about the disgusting mentality behind certain societal norms. 3. I want to see how consistent your actions are with your words. I don’t want to fall for love letters or poems, for sweet Instagram captions or long birthday texts, I want to fall in love with you showing up on time and keeping your promises. 4. I want to take it slow. I want our story to work out in years, not months. I want to respect time and space this time. 5. I want to make sure I am not seeking love from you for the lack of love I have for myself. I want to make sure you aren’t a void I am filling in, you are not an alternative to the things I can’t give myself. I want to make sure you are not doing the same. 6. I want to work out with my insecurities and fears from the past. I don’t want to project them on you, I don’t want to subject you to the doubts, suspicion and anger I carry from the people I have known in the past. 7. Before I fall in love again, I want to make a mattress with you. Of understanding and respect and trust. So when we fall, it doesn’t hurt.

When all by myself, I can think of all kinds of clever remarks, quick comebacks to what no one said, and flashes of witty sociability with nobody. But all of this vanishes when I face someone in the flesh: I lose my intelligence, I can no longer speak, and after half an hour I just feel tired.

I don’t want you to be just another sad song.” she said. “A song that I cannot listen to anymore. I don’t want you to be just another painful ending. A beautiful sunset that will be different the next day. It feels heavy thinking that you will be just another memory that I cannot grasp to anymore. I wanted to grab you and hold you forever. I can’t just let you be another beautiful disaster that made me feel something I can’t quite understand. I can’t. Please, I don’t want you to be temporary. Because you already have the part of my life, which I give to someone who is permanent. Someone who I never wanted to leave.

Okay, maybe I don’t know if I love you. But I know a smile instantly goes on my face when I see your name. And my heart skips a beat when you look at me. And your laugh, my god, your laugh is music to my ears. And I could listen to you talk for hours and hours on end. I enjoy our deep conversations and pointless conversations a little too much. And my heart aches whenever I’m away from you. I don’t know. Is it love to just wanna be near you all the time? Is that what that is?

I love the melody of an unknown language, the strange food, all the surprises of a strange town, and my own impatience and curiosity … I love traveling as others love the gaming table; I anticipate a new place as others anticipate the next number to come up.

The universe never really sent me a warning. When love first arrived, I didn’t pay attention to him the moment he walked right up to me. I didn’t even spare him a second glance. Love wasn’t what I wanted love to be, was far from what I wanted him to be. Love was from a different world and our paths crossing was never part of our plan. But love had already set his heart on me and was persistent. Love showed effort that I never asked him for—love waited for me because love knew I would always walk home. So love walked beside me every single day on my way home and held my hand. Love would even sometimes stay for a little while once we reach the house, love gave me a forehead kiss while my head laid on his shoulder riding the bus but left it at that because love knew that if his lips touched somewhere else, it would be another story. Love made sure I always made it home safe, love inspired me. Love made me do things I never imagined I’d ever do in my life. Love held the ice in the warmth of his hand and it melted. Just like that. But love always fought with me. Love glared daggers at the friend who was only asking for help in courting someone else that he admired. Love stopped talking, stopped seeing me. And love grew tired. Love gave up. But love told me he still wanted to be friends. And with a final wave of hand and a smile, love walked away. And once he was no longer in sight, I was sure I wanted nothing to do with that. I swore I wouldn’t let love set foot in my house again for a while once it came knocking at my door on a winter night. But love reappeared not long after, just when I wasn’t expecting love to. Love looked different now. No more tan skin and deep, chocolate eyes. Love smelled different now, spoke differently now. With a sweeter voice, gentler hands, a broader back, and a different kind of warmth. Now love’s eyes, a lighter shade of brown—so mesmerizing. But love wasn’t all new after all. Because love already met me years before, he just didn’t remember. Love didn’t remember my name, but recognized my face. Love wanted to know my name. For the second time. Love roamed the hallways, sneaking a glimpse room after room searching for that one familiar face. Now love would stay up late at night with me when my mind won’t stop counting reasons to hate myself, keeping me wide awake. But would usually make sure we both got enough rest. Love cared differently now, gave just the kind of love I have always longed for probably without him knowing it. Love became everything I have ever hoped for and so much more. Love’s arms alone felt like home and love offered more kisses now. Love felt safer now. Love made sure he always took care of himself, because he knew I couldn’t afford to lose him, so did I. Love never forgot to remind me knowing I need reassurance every 3 seconds of everyday. Love became the miracle I’ve always asked for from the heavens above. Love became my main source of happiness. Love, every time he got the chance, would hold me in his arms singing me songs all the while running his fingers through my hair and on my skin. Love would wait ‘til I finally got a ride home. Love would always think I’m beautiful—with my hair a mess, cheeks stained with tears, and with a crestfallen face. Love would always say I’m beautiful. But love would also cry, get angry, and would sometimes be cold and distant. Love would also make mistakes and would sometimes forget. Love wasn’t as simple now. Love wasn’t perfect, but neither was I. Love hasn’t been there that long, not all my life, but has been making up for all the years he wasn’t. And that’s all that mattered. Because love promised that love would be here to stay until the very last breath he’d take.

What I’ve learned in 2016 1. Friendship is a matter of convenience. It can be true and beautiful and fun and full of love until she moves to another city for college and finds 10 more people she can ‘connect’ with. 2. You don’t have to pursue a boring degree for a boring job. Yes, your passion is for things that make it harder to fetch money but you have one life. Do you really want to spend it doing something you don’t absolutely love? If you’re passionate about something, no matter what, you will excel, you will thrive. That’s the key to real success. Not some statistics stating the most lucrative jobs and industries. 3. You will exercise. You will drink more water. You will eat healthier. Not because you’re not beautiful the way you are but because your body deserves to be treated better. It literally has carries you around, has your back and actually has your heart from that first moment to your very last. 4. If they are a bitch to others what makes you think they won’t be one to you when the time comes? How people treat others is always a tell tale of how they will treat you. Pay attention. It’s better than feeling like a fool 6 years later. 5. Cook your own meals sometimes. You know just the amount of oil, salt and ingredients you want. You may not be a masterchef but you know what your stomach wants. 6. Surround yourself with happiness, inspiration and positivity and a very major part of that is social media. Who you follow is so important. Social media is supposed to be a happy and safe place for you. Choose the right people and the right works to fill your feeds because eventually those fill your mind and heart. 7. Nature is all healing. It’s the one thing in the beautiful presence of which even the most talkative person like you feels the need to shut up. Nature requires no words. It’s completeness is something to learn from. 8. Your parents live a life apart from being your parents. They have moments you’re not a part of, moments you don’t even know. They have not only had a life before you but also a life with you being there that you don’t know about. That’s okay and that’s not something to be mad about. 9. People will leave you. Always. Some in days, some in months. There are those who take decades and then there are those who never leave in physical form but withdraw all meaning and that’s when you must leave. But just because people leave their stay doesn’t become any less wonderful or important. 10. Sometimes the only person you need at 3 am is yourself. Give yourself mode credit. You can always help yourself. It may just take a little longer and be a little harder but you don’t need another person to help you. You are enough. You are strong. You will never disappoint. 11. Music of all type is necessary. Songs that make you cry and the ones that make you think and then those that make you only want to dance. 12. Draw. Everyone is an artist. And your drawings may look like those of a middle school kid but isn’t your joy just like hers? 13. Read more books. Yes, you’re older now and busier too but ‘busy ’ is an excuse and you know it. Find time for something that saved you. Find time for something that you love. 14. Lipstick is life. People may stare at you and they may get intimidated by certain shades but that’s okay, one smile and they will be at peace. 15. Click more selfies and click them without any shame. If you’re happy, if you look at yourself and feel like capturing that one moment where you feel good about yourself - go fucking ahead. Capture all your happiness, beauty and goofy-ness. But remember, they are for you and not your social media. 16. There’s literally no way you can help someone without helping yourself. And they may give you nothing in return and they may be ungrateful but who cares? They aren’t half the person you are and you can shrug it off and move on but remember unlike you, Karma never forgets. Also, karma is only a bitch if you are. The darkest moment is the very moment before sunrise. It’s a fact. So 2016 may have been your darkest time but that only means the sunlight of happiness and inspiration and love awaits you in 2017.

I can’t count the times I’ve screamed into my pillow out of anger and sadness. I’ve let rage, hatred, loneliness, and pain consume for so long and silently dealt with it. There have been way too many times where I have locked myself in the bathroom as the world around me fell apart, crying silently sitting in the edge of the tub, constantly repeating to myself that it would be okay, when in reality I was never okay. Each and every time, I’ve only had myself. Each and every time I’d wash my face off and come out as if nothing happened, a fake smile on my face because I was not going to show the world it had gotten the best of me. I’m too old to feel this way. To still feel this way. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been at work and had to excuse myself in order to lock myself in a stall and breathe. Once again the the pain, traveling through my veins making my palms turn into fists. I only have myself. And I would repeat to myself the same thing, everything will be okay…I’m too old to feel this way..I shouldn’t feel this way. But it’s not okay, and the pain is there I can’t deny it, I can’t ignore it and I can’t seem to get rid of it..and as always, I’ve only got myself.