Jilljillybean

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Damian: your ears are infected, i'm going to have to put soy sauce in your ear canal to stop it from spreading.

Tim, hasn't slept in three days and drank nothing but whiskey for the past 24 hours: ...shit and that works?

Damian, completely seriously: yes. it's a natural disinfectant.

Tim: ....huh.

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Tim: so will it need stitches?

Damian, looking over a minor stab wound in the cave: no stitches, but i need to perform a mobility check to see if any muscles have been damaged.

Tim: what do i have to do for that?

Damian: standard procedure is trying to walk on your hands while blindfolded.

Tim: ...

Tim: seriously?

Damian: yes. but don't worry. I'll definitely make sure you don't go down the stairs.

Tim:

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Damian: a clear case of syphilis. i can prescribe you some anal medication to help with healing.

Tim, dead inside: it's a papercut, Damian.

Damian: i'm sorry, are YOU a doctor?

you play it while walking around with friends and if you see something and don't know what it is or wonder why its there, you stop and point and say Hey What Is That Thing. and everyone speculates about it. googling it is allowed but preferably after spending several minutes guessing or asking a passerby about it

weird structures, ambiguous signs, unfamiliar car modifications, anything that you can't immediately understand its function. eight times out of ten, someone in the group actually knows, and now you know!

a few examples from me and my friends the past few weeks: "why is there a piece of plywood sticking out of that pond in a way that looks intentional?" (its a ramp so squirrels that fall in to the pond can climb out) • "my boss keeps insisting i take a vacation of nine days or more, thats so specific" (you work at a bank, banks make employees take vacation in long chunks so if youre stealing or committing fraud, itll be more obvious) • "why does this brick wall have random wooden blocks in it" (theres actually several reasons why this could be but we asked and it was so you could nail stuff to the wall) • "most of these old factories we drive past have tinted windows, was that just for style?" (fun fact the factory owners realized that blue light keeps people awake, much like screen light does now, so they tinted the windows blue to keep workers alert and make them work longer hours)

Trevor Noah has a great tip, that when he craves ice cream at night he breaks it down into parts: I want something cold, I want something sweet. He drinks a glass of cold water then waits to see if he still has the ice cream craving. Usually he doesn’t.

So listening to your body isn’t “follow every urge” but “decompose the urge to discover the underlying need.”

If you always feel like getting cozy in bed you may be: cold, dehydrated, and/or malnourished (maybe a need for high calories that are bioaccessible…not processed).

If you do not feel tired at bedtime you may: need to eat dinner earlier because your body is still digesting, need to exercise or go outside more during the day, get the fuck off your screen for an hour so your brain can enter sleep mode.

Hope this helps someone.

Dick: *wailing off camera*

Clark: Do you need to get that?

Bruce, still suiting up: Nah, that’s his watching cute cat video cry.

Damian: *crying in his room*

Steph: B, aren’t you going to do something about that?

Bruce, chopping celery: What does it look like I’m doing? That’s his “I’m hungry cry”

Jason, sniffling: Enjoy your party, you elisist piece of shit.

Selina: Is he ok? The crying?

Bruce: Now, his favourite character died in his book. Remind me to bring him a doggy bag back from the party. Mini quiche and crab legs usually work.

Duke: *crying in the car outside the house*

Tim: B, we have a crier.

Bruce, squinting out the window: hmm, that could either be I’m emotionally overwhelmed or in a state of crisis.

Duke: *sobbing harder*

Bruce: Yup, overwhelmed. Tim, prepare the kettle for tea.

Tim: And snacks?

Bruce, nodding: Sweet and salty, son.

Cass: *crying because of Ted Lasso finale*

Dick will answer a hundred, a thousand ordinary, unimportant calls, but he will never miss an important one again.

One day he smashes the phone, and when half an hour later he recovers Jason’s missed call, he immediately calls back, his hands shaking.

Jason: Hey, big...

Dick: Is everything okay? Where are you?

Jason: What? I'm fine, I just wanted to..

Dick, his voice shaking: God, I'm sorry, I should have answered, I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry..

Jason: Stop! I'm fine, I just wanted to ask if you want to patrol together today?

Dick, almost crying: Yes, yes, of course, of course I want to.

Bruce: And who might you be?

Tim: I'm Robin! The Boy Wonder!

Bruce: Wow! The Boy Wonder deserves two pieces of candy, don't you think?

Tim, hugging him: Thanks, Batman! You're the best, I love you!

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Here, you can have all the candy.

*Bruce walks inside*

Bruce: Alfred, we need more candy.

Alfred: Pardon me, sir, but weren't there only about 4 kids to have come by?

Lady Gotham, still reeling from Joker's latest grand attack on her city, which claimed over 3,000 lives due to strategically placed explosives, gets completely fed up. She leaves for the Infinite Realms to expedite her healing and demands that Danny, as the High King, do something about the Joker, claiming 'No punishment that can be doled out by mortal hands is severe enough for all he's done!'

She tells Danny about everything he's done to her knights, Bruce, Dick, Barbara, Harper, Luke, Kate, Jason, Cass, Tim, Steph, Duke, Damian, all of them. She sobs about all her children who have died or suffer(ed) greatly at his hands. Danny, after hearing her story, agrees to help her.

Now, Danny is too busy as the High King to handle it himself. Especially since he isn't taking time off to see his friends and family, who all eventually died and came to live with him in the Realms. So instead, he has his children do it for him. Ellie and Dante are so happy to finally have something fun to do, and if it means striking fear and regret into the splintered soul of a clown who hides behind his insanity to get away with horrible crimes against the living and dead, then this hunting season just got a whole lot better. Ellie very joyously tells Danny 'I told you so' when they get this assignment, Skulker's lessons did come in handy after all! Lady Gotham promises to hide the prince and princess from her knights for as long as possible.

The Bats, and the JL and JLD, get involved, of course. But they just can't pinpoint who or what is after the Joker, and a remarkable number of them, especially most of the Bats, find they don't really care, since the Joker hasn't caused trouble since that giant bomb fest he had a month or two ago, even if he keeps drawing their attention to him to beg for help.

"...What?" Flash asks, protein bar halfway to his mouth. He's in the cafeteria of the Watchtower, and he's not the only one with his eyes pinned to the TV.

"I'm not sure I understand, Linda, can you clarify what they mean by that?" The male reporter asks, smile strained.

"Certainly, Todd. The Infinite Realms has stated that they do not believe that the United States of America is a real country, and as such, will not seek to make any deals or treaties with them."

Wonder Woman raises an eyebrow, leaning back in her seat.

"Then...then what do they think America is?" Todd asks from the TV, sounding a little desperate.

"Apparently, they view America as 'a collection of toddlers that bathe in money pretending like they own the world'."