diary

A and Y came straight to the hospital when my dad had the stroke, they held me really tight and told me I could go and stay in their house for all the time I needed. Even as busy as they are they try to know about me the same as A parents, C called and had a long talk with me about our dads and L came to check the house and see if it can be fixed.

B reunited with me a week after and aside from gifting me a beautiful ball jointed doll he prepared a gift box with some teas and sweets which I found sooo cute I still have it on top of my PC.

B and T stayed with me as much as they could in call, collected a bunch of gifts that some I still dont know what are and want to send to me in january. We watched and played a lot of things this year and every single day they talk to me so it's hard to remember all they do for me! I really love them very much.

M and his mom send all the support they could, she even send me money, he was very strict about convincing me that nothing that happened was my fault. He helped me last week to move a lot of trash and material from my house so I can fix it.

V and O added their trinkets into the gift bundle and sended the sweetest words ever, even as I don't talk much to them they really reached out.

A came to go out with me and see some chinese bazars as always, helped me to print merch at her house and gift me a beautiful handmade sketch book, her new passion about the rosalia new album was charming as it was fun.

All my old anime convention friends reached to me, some where with me at pride parade, they all were very kind and reminded me of how old interests were really fun and silly. Even F who is now living in Japan talked to me to check how I was doing.

I know so many lovely people, all different but all very sweet to their core, helpful and understanding. People who as soon as they can they will run to you to help, to listen. People that from other countries offer me to be just on call so I am not alone.

Everyday I wish to just be as loving as them, to learn from the good things they do and from the beauty they hold.

Today I wish I appreciated my dad enough, but I think I did in a way and I hope he knew. Little christmas for the two of us and being the first person to clink glasses with every year, it held more love that I could ever express.

It will never be the same, but is okay, I can bear for everything he put his whole being into, just so I could live a little better than him. To have a life that held more love than his. Even when he had nowhere to learn from and little tools, he did so much.

It really was enough dad, you were so much than enough, I hope you can know.

I just can't phantom how after all what happened this year this is the outcome she thinks best. I feel sad at my core, I remember all the distasteful and painful things that happened in my family and think "how is it possible we can't escape from this?" and wonder why did she do it. Why.

He's an already difficult and depressed kid, and I see myself in him. I don't make the best decisions neither, I try to compensate with the money I earn for things that maybe can make him happy because I'm too lazy to actually give real quality time. And I can't help to make anything better for him, both his parents don't care.

I just wish people stopped having kids they wont take care of.

I wish people weren't this selfish.

I wish they accepted they can't love instead of lying at an attempt of not being lonely.

I can't wish they die, because last time I did my dad died by some awful coincidence.

I feel myself so full of contempt and grief.

-

I will go back to my own home tomorrow, no matter how dirty the house is. I must make my own space so things are at least a little how I want them to be.

I went to my house today to feed the dog as usual and also checked the room I have to clean. A little downer is that I kinda have to classify the things before throwing them, I can't really throw them away mindlessly, also I need to throughly ventilate that room. As soon as I came out I had to sneeze a lot, so dust and rat odor are pretty much a problem.

As I told my therapist, is not that bad, I can do it little by little, I'll take the time to prep merch and work as usual first.

Also going to my friend's house made me feel a little more motivated about fixing mine, her parent's house is beautiful, they designed it very thoughtfuly. I hope I can achieve something close and comfortable.

I want normalcy, I want my house ready, I wanna live alone and comfortable, I wanna be at ease.

I feel like then I will be able to miss and mourn him correctly somehow, alone at our house, feeling like I accomplished our wish to have a normal and happy home. I wish again we didn't argue so much about it, that I was more patient. I still feel so so so guilty for all the presure I made him shoulder by himself.

Sad songs about solitude remind me of him, I do know I could not make his loneliness go away. I wonder if he would've rather died than having me leave the house like everyone else.

I still remember when he told me "That's how one dies little by little" I know he was being manipulative but I also know he meant it.

Lately I have a hard time watching any video with his voice in it, is almost as I'm scared of hurting if I hear him. I kinda fear of listening to him.

The dreams are different.

I fought with him so much because I didn't want to wait until november to fix the house because I was going mad with the ceiling falling off and the rats roaming and having no comfortable way of bathing nor cooking like a normal person.

I feel like I could have just wait and maybe he wouldn't have died because I feel the stroke was caused by stress. I feel so stupid because maybe I lost him for money and two fucking months I couldn't wait.

I still feel a little guilty because I left him alone that same night to go to a carnival with my sister.

The carnival sucked ass, I got sick and spent the whole next day puking.

Yet I remember watching that movie while sick very fondly.

Was some impossible future where he was alive but we then were back to present reality.

I asked him why didnt he take his meds

I did lost the person I love the most.

Well, "lost" is a weird word, he is still with me in other forms.

A few monarch butterflies have crossed me in very particular moments. I'm not much of a believer, but they feel like he is truly making himself present to gently wave and say he's watching us do our best.

He still is a gentle man, as always , the butterflies look so cheery in a vibrant way that remind me of him. He had such a childish manner of going around that colorful butterfly seems funnily right.

And so going back home in a car today, watching the city and neighbourhood made me feel like I was surrounded by a unusual love. I wonder how a person manages to make himself be everywhere without actually being here. With no shape you still do a great job being unmistakenly you.

Like the character I'm writing, I'm gonna use him as pseudonym