it's been over 3 years since i came to these realizations, posted these. i know i hurt her very badly. i still have no idea if she knows that she sexually coerced me repeatedly, including the first time she ever did anything sexual with me. how many times i would say no, and she took that as "convince me" or "wear me down until i give in."
it is may 2022. i still have panic attacks when i masturbate, alone in the safety and comfort of my own home by myself. i still feel intense guilt, like i am disappointing someone and they will need to find it somewhere else if i cant give it to them, if i cant fuck for them. because i'm broken. ive yet to ever have sex again, still. i've yet to EVER get that close to anyone again emotionally because im scared of hurting and being hurt again. i dont hate her. i especially dont hate her now. i hope she has found some true peace and happiness somewhere after so much hurt in her own life from other people. i'm just sorry that i ever had to get caught up in any crossfire and did some damage myself. i'm ages away from the person i used to be, i know for a fact i am better now, but i still mourn for the person i was before i was ever with her. i often wish we had never been together, or i wish we had ended it sooner. i wish i had ended it when i went through her skype and found out she cheated on me, or after one of the friends she tried to cheat on me with told me about a time that she tried to kiss her before we even talked about polyamory at all. i hate to say that she forced herself on people, because i know the weight that carries for anyone in her demographic. but she forced herself on me. and others. while we were together. i would’ve dumped her that night but that was literally the night before my great grandma’s funeral. we should have broken up when we couldnt reach an actual hard agreement or reasonable terms about being polyamorous, so that the cheating would have never even happened. i look back on things i used to say to her and do to her, things i had forgotten about completely because i blocked so much out, and im disgusted with myself. but i looked back on things she used to say to me, too, things she used to threaten about the people around me, even her own pets. telling me she was going to kill her rabbit because he was making noise. i understand being triggered by my own cat but i have never been that fucking low to threaten that, not even think it. i knew she’d never actually hurt anyone, but god we fucked each other up. i still feel like i’ve never actually owned my body, had my body, felt my body, even before she was with me. i was molested continuously by a friend growing up. i couldnt say no then. no was “convince me” then too. then it just continued with her, however many years later. i couldn’t comprehend the hurt i was going through at her hands so i lashed out. every fucking day. i still feel like a monster sometimes, or like i was the one that dealt the most damage, but what the fuck does it matter? i’m still hurting so badly, still feeling the physical affects 4-6 years later. i’ve still never gotten that close to anyone ever again. i dont know if i ever will. i dated one person after that, only got to kissing and felt nothing. i’m dating someone now, but we have yet to kiss, and like i said, i’m not nearly as close to her as i was to my ex. because i am so fucking afraid and traumatized. and yeah, some of that is on me. maybe even half or more. i dont know. butÂ
the first time we ever did anything sexual, i was on my period. she kept wanting to finger me. i kept saying no, because i bleed a lot, and i didnt think it would feel good. she kept going anyway. i had to go home by myself and clean off my shorts and my underwear and then go back to her house with changed clothes. i said no. she did it anyway, and got blood all over my clothes, and then i had to deal with it alone. dont get me wrong, there were still so many times where it was consensual, even daily at some points, but something changed after a while. maybe it was because i was on antidepressants, but the second our libidos werent lining up anymore, she had to start coercing me again. though i think it happened even before i was on meds too, since the first time she did anything with me i wasnt on meds. there were times where i would even move her hands away from me. physically move her hands off of me, and she would just go right back at it. she did not accept no. she didnt give a shit if she had to convince me for an hour for flimsy “consent.” and even then, even when i would give in, sometimes my body would just shut down. my vagina wouldnt let her in. of course there were other ways to do things, but it would get painful. because i didnt want it. and my body was done. i remember her stopping those times, at least. i think. but it got to the point where she would start touching me sometimes and i would panic, because i knew the way she was touching me meant she wanted sex, and i didnt want it, and subconsciously i knew it didnt matter that i didnt want it.
there is so much ive blocked out, there is so much that is a complete blur. i just remember how i felt, mostly. it all feels so fake. or like im lying to myself or the select few i’ve trusted with this. i cut off so many people from that time in my life just to be able to cope.
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