Daniel

One thing I hear a lot from non-kinky folk is that BDSM is a form of abuse, or that it somehow legitimises abusive relationships.

It is of course nonsense and this excellent graphic by The BDSM Training Academy shows the differences between BDSM and abuse very well.

My wife’s first husband was abusive and she had to endure the cycle of abuse until she managed to escape. Since the start of our relationship in November 2009, many people have asked her why she would enter into a BDSM-based relationship which they perceive as just “more of the same”. Her answer is always “consent and control”. Although she allows me to “abuse” her (note the quote marks), she knows that a single word or signal from her can stop it - so she is always in control.

She has a number of mental-health issues and as a result often the BDSM aspects of our relationship are almost non-existant. If I feel she is not in the right place mentally, then she is not my slave or sub - she is just my wife and lover and it’s all very vanilla. Other times the BDSM helps her get out of her head and brings her up from sometimes very low places.