Untitled

I know that soon, money will not be an issue. It is a present problem, able to be solved with quick employment. 

As of now, I have only 19 days left until I am done with my internship.

It has been a long time coming. 

6 months ago, I realized that I had chosen the wrong profession, only after being fully immersed within it (before, I had just taken course and had short times in the actual job field). 

I wasn’t eating, and had a hard time sleeping. Never in my life had I failed so miserably at anything. Usually, when I put my mind to something, I make it happen. No matter what. 

But, when you’re going to work everyday at a place that you loathe, at a place that you feel you are failing not only yourself but everyone around you, it is hard to keep going. I stuck it out for 2 months, then, as stated before, quit.

I started working at a warehouse full time. Every day was different, either involving scanning packages, unloading trucks, or moving pallets. For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed my job. I woke up everyday at around 3:00 AM for work at 4:00, and continued working until 12:00. 

I don’t think everyone would enjoy this job, but I really did. Some days were exhausting, but the work was clear: Box A needs to be moved to Area B, and I knew just how to do it. Everyone there had to work hard and quickly, our work was constantly being watched and monitored for efficiency. It was a job filled with salt of the earth, good people. I felt like the people I worked with came from similar circumstances, and we were all just trying to get our paycheck.

I enjoyed it. I felt like I was contributing to something and that my work mattered. My paycheck was larger than what I every had, simply because I picked up so many shifts (I didn’t mind to! I wanted to money, and it wasn’t difficult to push myself to get it).

Not every day was easy or roses and butterflies. It’s different to work in a warehouse, and much more harsh than other jobs. There’s more risk of injury, the managers are very blunt, and fellow employees can’t always be trusted, especially in in a 200+ people warehouse (I definitely would always be on the phone when walking to the parking lot late at night/early morning).

I thought that I might continue working for the warehouse, but many of my family members insisted that I finish my degree (I am only 6 credits away to finish). Everyone insisted to me, “Why work at a warehouse when you could work ________(my degree field)?”

I knew I didn’t want to work in my degree field, but I also knew that, if I did not go back in this semester, I would never go back.

So, I found myself where I am now, in the last month of a 4-month long internship, constantly having to prepare, reflect and improve at something I do not plan to do one day after these 19 days are over. I think I have learned valuable lessons, and perhaps it has all happened for a reason. But I am so glad to be almost done.

As the days to the end grow nearer, I find it harder and harder to focus on finishing. 

I have gotten more cold sores than I have since high school, I am just now feeling some healing from the flu, and I find myself constantly struggling to eat and get enough sleep.

I have to prepare for this upcoming week, which I know I should just do and get over with (it won’t get any easier if I wait!) but, I’d rather than spend another minute in this profession. 

I can’t wait for the next journey, even though I have no idea what it might be. I am in no rush, and I will do what I have to do until I find that special calling.   I hope that this degree will mean something, especially considering everything I’ve done to get it. I pray, once more, before the week starts, that I can get through one more week.

Essentially, if I can get through the next two weeks, I will be fine. Just these next two weeks. Please, god, get me through.

God, please get me through this week. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know where I’m going. 

I have to leave for work soon and I just want to throw up. I want to quit, I want to quit.