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I still have your jacket... I want to just give it to you already and never have a reason for you to stop by or talk to me anymore. Why do you keep messaging me when you stop messaging me for hours? I wouldn’t be surprised to be ghosted a 2nd time. But I think it’d hurt less than the first time.

I didn’t expect you to look at my Instagram story though, and then hours later block me. You blocked me until yesterday. Now it’s my turn to have you blocked. There was really no reason to have me blocked, your insta is on private, you don’t post, I also wasn’t planning on messaging you again.. unless it was to get rid of the evidence that you actually lurked my profile. I miss you from time to time, but it gets easier to deal with. I don’t cry anymore. I try not to remember our good times as frequently as I used to. Etc.

This new guy, he’s different. Younger. Unexpected. Opposite of you. He wasn’t so judgemental of others. He’s an interesting character. I’m actually fairly interested in him. That’s why I kissed him. It was different and I didn’t think someone else was gonna make my heart race again so soon. This guy is also opposite from the guy I tried to immediately talk to after you, I bet if that guy saw this guy his ego would be flattened. It’s a funny random thought.

Why couldn’t you just have given me the closure I needed? Why did you have to leave me with your jacket as a daily reminder of you? Why couldn’t you have told me it wasn’t going to work out the moment I told you to please tell me it wasn’t going to work out and that if you could just give me back my sweater? What did you do with my sweater? Have you met someone else and given it to them? Did you get back together with your ex and give it to her? Did you throw it away or do you have it stored in place you’d never look at ever again until months or a year later? Did you really care for me at one point? When did you stop or did you never care about me at all? Was the whole act of kindness and saying you cared about me just a ploy to use me and throw me away? Maybe that was really it from the start and I’m such a fucking idiot for falling for this bullshit...

Literally... why the fuck did you ghost me? Why tell me that you care about me, that I’m special, that you miss me too, if you were just gonna ghost the shit out of me?! Why say that we still need to go on dates, why say that your sweater and pj pants are my pjs when I stay the night at your place, why say that if I ever were to kill myself that you would be upset with me if you were just gonna start ignoring me forever?! Why can’t you fucking give me back my sweater and let me give you back your jacket? The jacket that you said you would never give to anyone, but you gave it to me because you said I was special... even telling me about your dad stuff and saying you have never talked about that to really anyone, but said I was special.

Why say that you would be there for me when I need someone? Why tell me at the very beginning would you tell me that you would have so much time to spend with me? Why let me hold your hand and tell you the little thing I like when holding hands did you say “I’m learning and I’ll get better,”? Why tell me when I took you out for dinner did you tell me that every time you hung out with me was a date? Why? Why? Why? Why?

WHY THE HELL WON’T YOU BLOCK ME?! WHY? WHY LOOK AT MY MESSAGES AND NEVER REPLY? WHY?

You don’t understand how much I’ve cried because I miss you so much, I like you so much, I’ve been needing you so much... I hate the fact that this rant is for basically nothing because we weren’t ever dating or in a relationship... I hate that this makes me feel like I’m overreacting and being too much. I hate how I feel at fault and that I’m not the normal one. I hate how I’m trying to forget you and I even went out to meet someone else and they were so kind to me, but all I could think about was how we went to the same place and had such funny conversations and how I was wishing that you’d show up out of nowhere to just take me away from there... I miss you, but I know you don’t care about me.

I can’t tell if my confidence is still lacking or not.