by popular request, a sequel to the sauropod one!

apple

off to a really poor start here. it’s standing in a tripod stance. now, they couldn’t walk in this position, but standing is a possibility and nothing looks objectively wrong about the posture, so i’ll let that slide. however, the torso is far too short, and the head is wayy too rectangular. it looks overall like it stepped out of the 30s, and that’s not a compliment.

score: 3.5/10 mediocre

google

this looks like they intended to do a velociraptor, but didn’t know what velociraptor looked like so they just based it on jurassic park. as a T. rex it could be worse - it’s got a recently correct posture, and looks more out of the 90s than the 30s. so some points there. the “dewclaw” on the foot is pointing the wrong way, the wrists are turned a way they couldn’t in life, the torso is too short, the head isn’t quite shaped right and is shrink-wrapped, and its tongue shouldnt be so muscular. if it seems like i’m being too harsh on it, that’s because it’s not too far from being decent.

score: 6/10 could be worse

microsoft

bucks the green trend! some points for that. it’s attractively outfitted in brown with a tan underbelly and stripes. it’s pretty simplistic but not overly so in my view, but it’s got broken wrists and that downward-pointing tail that makes it look outdated, but it certainly doesn’t seem too horribly so.

score: 6/10 but in a different way

samsung

this is just a knockoff of the apple one.

score: 0/10. academic dishonesty

whatsapp

some effort put into perspective here, which i appreciate! its dewclaws seem correctly oriented, and its tail is correctly raised off the ground. however, its wrists are broken, and its leg muscles lack definition. its metatarsals are far too long for an adult T. rex. the head is also not quite shaped right, as the eyes seem to be raised up above the nose, and the back is too humped. however most grievously it has THREE FINGERS PER HAND. this is not a T. rex, it is a neovenatorid. accept no substitutes.

score: 4/10 an impostor

twitter

oh no this one has three fingers too! ouch. it’s elegantly simple, with pleasing curves, and is brown rather than green. but this emoji is specifically meant to be T. rex, and a T. rex it is not. its head is too rounded, and it has too long of arms with three fingers. this is a carcharodontosaur. its metatarsals are too long, and its wrists are broken

score: 5/10 for pleasing curves

facebook

i’m real torn on this one. a lot of attention to detail was put in, but into the wrong things. the head is excellently shaded and has a defined shape. it’s just the entirely wrong shape. it’s very clearly based off of the T. rex from jurassic park, which looks little like a real T. rex. the metatarsals are too long, the wrists are broken, the back is humped. however it does have correctly placed dewclaws and correct posture, so it regains some points. 

score: 7/10 i wish it were better

joypixels

now what the hell is this? the tail is glaringly short, like they ran out of space, and the neck and torso are also too short. the neck is attached to the bottom of the head rather than the back. these things combined have the effect of making it look like a human in a suit. the tongue is too muscular, and the head is too jurassic park-based. the mouth seems to be open way too much, but I’m not positive how the weird neck placement affects my perception of that. on the flip side, the legs seem decently muscular and not too horrible. they’re the best thing about this one.

score: 4/10 behold! a man!

openmoji

NO FACE NO FACE NO FACE

okay seriously, what? i guess they were going for cartoony. that’s fine, I get that. but why not give it a face? some teeth?? eyes at the very least??

score: 5/10 baffling

emojidex

this looks suspiciously familiar, like it’s been plagiarised from a plastic toy. which it has. specifically this one, which is itself plagiarised off of jurassic park. emojidex has shamelessly copied the pose, but here’s the thing: they didn’t even manage to do that right. they gave the damn thing three fingers. aesthetically, it’s horrible. the torso looks like a predatory slug erupting out of the hindquarters of a dinosaur. it’s unpleasant to look at. it’s a game of telephone that’s three steps removed from anyone looking at an actual dinosaur. this is what you get. it may resemble a dinosaur from forty paces, but this is no dinosaur. at least, not anymore.

score: -100/10 a wretched hive of scum and villainy

emojipedia

wha– who the fuck? how do you get worse? how do you do this badly? how do you mess up so much? how do you put this much effort into defining the shading and textures but absolutely none into making it look remotely like a dinosaur??? it’s got a heavy gorilla-esque brow that overhangs dead, soulless eyes. its hands have clearly been slammed in a cartoon piano. the legs — my god, they’re like ugg boots. each foot has ONE TOE. ONE. the body looks round like a sausage, and the tail is a cone that’s been superglued on. i can’t imagine caring this little about something

My current job has me working with children, which is kind of a weird shock after years in environments where a “young” patient is 40 years old.  Here’s my impressions so far:

Birth - 1 year: Essentially a small cute animal.  Handle accordingly; gently and affectionately, but relying heavily on the caregivers and with no real expectation of cooperation.

Age 1 - 2: Hates you.  Hates you so much.  You can smile, you can coo, you can attempt to soothe; they hate you anyway, because you’re a stranger and you’re scary and you’re touching them.  There’s no winning this so just get it over with as quickly and non-traumatically as possible.

Age 3 - 5: Nervous around medical things, but possible to soothe.  Easily upset, but also easily distracted from the thing that upset them.  Smartphone cartoons and “who wants a sticker?!!?!?” are key management techniques.

Age 6 - 10: Really cool, actually.  I did not realize kids were this cool.  Around this age they tend to be fairly outgoing, and super curious and eager to learn.  Absolutely do not babytalk; instead, flatter them with how grown-up they are, teach them some Fun Gross Medical Facts, and introduce potentially frightening experiences with “hey, you want to see something really cool?”

Age 11 - 14: Extremely variable.  Can be very childish or very mature, or rapidly switch from one mode to the other.  At this point you can almost treat them as an adult, just… a really sensitive and unpredictable adult.  Do not, under any circumstances, offer stickers.  (But they might grab one out of the bin anyway.)