it's all about connection

quasi recovery is hell, basically no matter how well i'm doing i always come back to the dilemma of either start listening to my ed more again bc i've "gotten out of hand", or i have to fully let go of that and really go for recovery. but i never dare to, the strict voice is too deeply ingrained: it's connected to the whole part of me that cannot accept myself. i feel like i cannot escape this cycle

it's been a while since I've been on this account mostly because i was doing pretty well, but mannn I've been going downhill these last few quarantine months, mentally speaking. I know I've gained some weight and I'm going insane, i wish it didn't affect me this much

helloo everyone, i haven’t posted anything since Christmas! whew. and now we’re in this strange state of the world. over the last months i have had ups and downs within recovery but i’m still at it! i can sense that my ed has been pulling more now that we’re advised to stay inside and i cannot visit my friends or go to uni, but mostly i can work against it (and also i’m just happy to be in a relatively good place and have a healthy family). I hope you are all managing as best as you can with everything happening, and on top of that fighting your eating disorder. it’s tough out here but i hope you feel strong!

some of us read posts that try to discourage ED behaviour, but instead see that as motivation: all the posts talking about blue lips and not having enough energy, about being lonely because of your ED. why does this phenomenon exist? Why do we have daydreams about almost dying, or about what our loved ones would do when we die? Why do some of us crave the pain, and romanticize the realities, the gross consequences? I must admit that on the one hand I have had these daydreams before, and that it grosses me out on the other hand. But I think it would be bad to trash-talk it straight away, we should be address this more openly. And we should be asking ourselves why do i want to hurt myself? what do i really need? what can i learn from this? why don’t i talk about this with someone? do i want help? 

saw some really disordered answers on my pro recovery posts just now and ugh that makes me so sad,, even a bit frustrated (but that’s also my own ED feeling threatened): sarcastic jokes, or just straight up saying that discouraging ED posts make you want it more; that’s your ED speaking. That’s your ED actively working on you being stuck in this mess longer. I can’t stress enough how that is NOT what you need. what you need is working on self-acceptance and accepting help and love and warmth and connection. no matter how much it makes your eyes roll (mine sure did). no matter how alien it feels. after a while the self-deprecating jokes get old, and you’ll be in your 20s or 30s and think fuck, why didn’t i fight earlier? 

i’m having a harder time with my body image lately 💔 what are some things you do or tell yourself when recovery gets tough?