eternally annoyed

I look at him like wow. And then we go back to the floor to work and he looks at me and after walking in an awkward silence back to work. He said finally I just have to realize you don’t want to be a stepmom to her and I said no that’s not what I Said that’s not why I’m irritated. Then he looked at me and said I don’t know why ur so upset at me u got here at 11 u used PTO you could have said no to it she would have understood. He added I didn’t know she hadn’t talked to the girl or her mother before hand. He made me feel so little. (He always made my feelings feel so unnecessary if I wasn’t happy or horny. I couldn’t be sad upset disappointed every other emotion because I choose him and this relationship.) I felt like no matter what I said it wasn’t gonna end that awkward silence. I just wanted him so badly to understand how I felt.

This is how I felt: I’m be going from being a single woman to living with a man and his child after being a side chick and imma want a few months without her omnipresent but invisibly there and to be a girlfriend an actual girl friend ur gonna want a few months to get over that break up and I didn’t want to see it. I don’t care how much of a bitch that makes me. His emotional residue he’ll have for her after he cheated on her with me for a year and however long in this scenario after the breakup is not my responsibility . He need to get over that and in that time we would be dating and then we would move in. By that I would have learned how to be a step mom and live in girlfriend and becoming those things I would actually seamless transition into and not been thrown into.

But instead I tried to find any words in the vocabulary in my heart in my mind to let him know how I felt In That moment and I couldn’t nothing. But I knew one thing I wasn’t going to apologize because I feel in my heart I did nothing wrong Thursday night. After our last fight All I could think was if we fight again I’ll forgive him and we’ll do this never ending cycle where he chips away at my heart my pride my soul and my emotional range I felt okay with feeling around him. So I went back to work or tried to cried and thought he is never gonna forgive me for thinking I don’t want to be stepmom yet. And then Lunch break came and we were quiet again and in the 20 minute lunch the only important question I could muster was would it be better that u were with someone who had kids who knew how to be a stepmom. He looked at me and said I thought I was building with someone who wanted those things but I can see ur not ready for kids in ur life.

Mind you if I wasn’t ready for his kids in my life why would I book hair appointments together snap text. If I wasn’t ready for his kids in my life would I see them on their birthdays. He let me meet his mom and his 2 other kids last week and I felt so horrible meeting his mom bc I’ve never met anyone’s mom in all my life dating wise and it was the first time and I was his sidechick. He ruined the whole meaning of meeting someone’s parent. I met his mom and said to her I know what this is I know what I am but I don’t have want u to think I don’t have any home training or manners. And after I said my peace it was a wonderful meeting but All I could think was a met her as a sidechick. And when he dropped me off at my home I was still a sidechick and no matter what he was gonna treat me like this even when we move in. He gonna treat me like I don’t matter.

At 4 am break nothing was said. But I knew it was the end. At 5 am I texted we should break up.

When he made this ugly ass comment I knew logically I made the right choice but emotionally I wasn’t ready for that hurt. The apartment I live in is mine no one else’s. He gave me back my key at work and for a few moments I tried at the last minute of work to explain how I felt and he looked at me like I was scum. He had for the past week been making snide comments hinting at me cheating that was his worst fear was me cheating. I didn’t want to cheat. I still don’t want another man. It’s gonna be a while before anyone can come near me.

I told my supervisor I wasn’t going to come in early on mandatory overtime. I left work and made it home and cried and sobbed bc it felt so much like he had broke up with me. I still feel so much like I lost my family. I want him so badly to walk thru the door and lay in this bed and say everything is gonna be okay. I almost lost my job for him twice and he thought I didn’t want to be apart of his family. I wanted it so badly.

I couldn’t sleep deeply. I inappropriately texted his daughter and he texted back not to make contact with her and I said I understand and I’m sorry. I did and do apologize for that.

I finally cried myself to sleep and woke up at 9 dreading to go to work again using all of mental strength to get to work and I couldn’t call out without getting a point. I had used all 80 hrs of PTO I had since May bc of him. I had none left. I got to work the first person to see me said where’s dada and I said idk he’s my problem anymore. She said I’m sorry. If u wanna y’all about it I interrupted I said I don’t. And I walked into work and he wasn’t there and I knew he was so upset with me that he couldn’t even be there to be around me. And I didn’t even make it 15 minutes into my shift and begged my team lead with tear falling from my face that I’ll take any point or demerit I just don’t need to be here. And he tried to get me to say it and I couldn’t and I left and went home and cried some more. And woke up at 2 in the morning and did some online shopping paid some online bills and decided to go to Walmart and buy a tv and then he called me at 4 am while I was in Walmart to ask me about a work bonus a work bonus. I walked around aimlessly for another hour made it home and ate finally. I haven’t left my house since.

Imma have to face him tonight and pray I still have a job. I still love him but I wish I never met him. I wish I hadn’t run out of weed. I wish I had never had a man chip at my pride my heart and my like he has. I don’t wanna have another person touch me for a long time. This is the time I know I can work on me for me bc I need to have fun for my own sake. I was right I knew I was gonna have to make this choice for both of us. Bc the person I was becoming wasn’t gonna be worth anything to anyone.

This is what happened Wednesday night. The details are gonna matter. Imma set the scene because our relationship has been so dramatic why not?

I’m in my kitchen just finished frying a big pan of mushroom and onion omelette I’m watching tv on my tablet and I get a text from his daughter and a call from him as well pretty much within the same moment. And I put him on speaker and I was texting his daughter. (We had texted and snap chatted before so her texting wasn’t unknown to me.) he says she’s about to call and ask a huge favor. I said what is it? He said can u pick her up and get her friend and take her to my house.

It’s an hour before work and I haven’t ate showered relaxed a lil drank coffee I haven’t done Anything to get ready for work except just finished cooking my omelette. I should have listened to my first instinct. I said no babe I haven’t gotten ready for work I’ll be late. He said it’s okay. She’ll understand. And all I could think is I can do it quickly rush home and get ready for work and it’ll all be good. And it wasn’t outside something I hadn’t done before. And it wasn’t like I lived in a big town I could do it and be there for work without being late. Something told me to listen to my first gut instinct. So I get off the phone with him and call her and say hey I’ll be there in 5 minutes and I can take u there and back to ur house. So I get off and breathe a lil and go get her and I’m staring at the clock and everything praying to get back home at least 30 minutes before work then I can get there in my mind on time without rushing without being irritated and everything and how I felt would disappear in the shower and wash away. But unfortunately It didn’t happen like that.

I pick his daughter up and I go to the other girls house and the mom comes out and wants to see me I hate explaining my title to people. It’s when my feel my scarlet A pop on my chest. I’m a sidechick. He loved to tell me I was a second true girlfriend. I knew exactly what other people thought of me. So I tell her that I’m a coworker of her dads. And I’m just dropping them off before I go to work. We leave from there I drop them off it 9:40 I was irritated it took longer than expected. I knew he about to call me and ask me about how it went. I tell him I’ve called into work and used an hr of emergency PTO because I didn’t get home in time so I wouldn’t have to rush to get to work. He’s like wow ur serious and I said yes. And I hung up and tried to relax my nerves before work. But all I could think before work was: Does he think I’m his babysitter does all he think I’m supposed to is chaperone his daughter because he and his girlfriend and her mother don’t do their jobs. He doesn’t care at all about my time. I was thinking so many angry ugly thoughts. So I get to work at 11 and I see him and I kinda ignore him. Finally at first break at 12 midnight. We work 3rd shift. He asked why Are u giving me this attitude. I said because you think it’s okay for me to be doing these things a full fledged girlfriend does hun.

((((And I hated bring up my title to him because he didn’t want to hear it and it turned into the same bs speech that did nothing for me except remind me of my mother giving a speech. It went in one ear and out another. The speech was about how he spends more time with me and then and how he only talks about me and and how I chose this so I just not feel any type of ways he disrespects me and how he doesn’t cheat (yes a cheater saying he doesn’t cheat on sidechick)and all I could think is ur still with her.))))