through victory my chains are broken

i’ve been losing a lot of weight lately (not intentionally, and i don’t really know why since i’ve not really changed anything and i maintained roughly the same five pound range for the last five years) and i’ve been doing this ED thing for almost two decades but i haven’t managed to drop this much weight since my teens. (i’m not going to bother considering any possible underlying health concerns or dealing with the why because at this point, fuck it.)

i know i look fairly good right now, rationally. i can wear crop tops out in public without hesitation and i have never, ever been that person before. 120-5lbs/5′4″ seem like numbers i should be satisfied with. 

but i’m not. 

instead, 1) i’ve got all these fun new complaints about my body: now i’ve got bones sticking out in weird places and i’m really, really aware of the size and shape of my ribcage (why is it so large, why can’t it be proportionate to the fucking rest of me?) the distance from my ribs to my hipbones and the way my waist can’t get any smaller without actually fucking with my bone structure but i wish it would because my torso is so short. (rational brain knows that’s how they get you with the waist trainers and i refuse to do it but fuck, sometimes i think about it.) my hips jut out awkwardly, i don’t have enough muscle in my thighs anymore after the surgeries so i’ve got these weird dips beneath my hipbones that i’ve never had in my life and my silhouette just looks ... so weird. bad weird, not just different. my clothes hang off of me oddly now, and it’s the opposite end of the spectrum but still the same issue i had before of NOTHING FITS and i don’t have any real clothes that actually look like i could wear them out in the world. 

and 2) despite everything, some part of me still thinks i should lose more weight.

ultimately, i feel like i actually look worse this way. i spent all of that time hating how my body looked but it was solid and i could rely on myself even if i couldn’t rely on anyone else. maybe there was a little squish here and there but my lower body in particular was so muscular and the THING i have always been complimented on is my legs/ass and then i got hurt and now i’m just this fuckin golem monster hiding in my goddamn cave experiencing actual muscle atrophy

i used to have visible abdominal muscles and now i look like i could be blown away by a strong breeze and it’s NOT A GOOD LOOK and that is so FRUSTRATING because you spend all these years thinking if i could just be skinny ...

turns out it’s not enough, buddy!

you can lose as much weight as you want and you’re still not going to be happy because the problem is you on the inside!