Ayo

She’s so happy all the time, how does she stay like that?” If only they knew that under the happy, bright girl they see is a girl who is struggling more than anyone can imagine, a girl who tries to write her feelings away and detach herself from a sad situation. She dreads confrontation so she solves the problem in a make believe world of words instead of in the harsh light of reality.

Je suis comme ça. Ou j’oublie tout de suite ou je n’oublie jamais.

You realize how much you truly miss someone when something happens, good or bad, and the only person you want to tell is the one person who isn’t there.

I don’t want to be the other half of your soul. I want to be the one who reminds you that you’re already whole.

I wish severely that I could be carefree and celebrate life. These days it seems that no matter what I do I somehow feel I don’t deserve to enjoy anything and it’s as if I was born with anguish in my blood.

The problem with having depression for a long time is that you begin to forget when you’ve lost interest in everything. Suddenly you’ll notice that you’ve been doing nothing for so long that now you wish you had passions and you wish you had motivations. You wish you had the mental ability to get up and go learn something and be excited for simple things. What’d I do to feel this sort of wholeness again.

This is how you know he loves you. He hates your make up because you are even more wonderful without it and encourages you to be more self confident. You always feel his eyes exploring your face, full with tiny craters and flaws but he still loves you nonetheless. The only thing you need to do is tell him you are not feeling well and you’ll see his worried face on your doorstep. He gives you the last and every bite of his favorite sandwich and lets you play with his feminine nose even though he hates it. You felt his heart pumping blood faster than usual, his hands were sweating and how his voice was stuttering after his lips felt yours for the first time. He falls asleep after you only so he could play with your hair and get you a blanket so you won’t get cold. He kisses you tenderly, with deep affection and passion, and when you close your eyes and his mouth is stealing your breath, you feel how he repays you with indestructible love made deep in his lungs. He gives you his jacket when it’s freezing outside and the wind is blowing while he secretly trying not to tremble and show you that he is cold as well. His hugs are your favorite place to hide, when his hands are wrapped around you, you feel like you’re surrounded by tick invulnerable walls and nothing can touch you, you feel safe and tranquil. Your name sounds differently when he says it. He loves the cracked pieces of your lips and the smell of your skin when you had no shower that day and how you are in deception that he doesn’t love it even more. His compulsive stories about you with his friends and some strangers that mean nothing to him. He touches you like you are made of glass, delicate and fragile, his hand, holding yours and you feel how they are made for each other. And then, you break him, shrinking his happiness and wish to continue loving you. His love is converted into misery and agony and his hope is utterly destroyed. The breaking of his heart and how he will never recover from it. You felt how he suffered but his love remained pure and gentle, like his hands when they were holding yours. The pain he endured and how he forgave you only so you could break him again. And after he leaves, you’ll say that no one is good for you in this world. He doesn’t exist. But of course, he does. And if you’re happy enough to find those restless eyes that never grow old or a heart that will cultivate your love. Never, ever, let him go.

me: *sees bae on tumblr*

me: *sees that bae finally texts back*