it turns out it's the thirst that matters

Walking past the playground to the daycare center was part of his day, something that had become a habit. It was his usual route to get to the coffee shop where he’d get a little snack during his break, and he’d always take the time to admire you, the way you were with the children, the way you talked to them, the maternal instinct that radiated off of you so strongly that he could feel it from the sidewalk. 

By the time he’d get back from the coffee shop, you’d be lining up the children, singing softly, with the most beautiful voice as you counted their heads. He had seen you so many times, learning your name from the children that called out for you, but he could never find the time to actually talk to you, to introduce himself, to get to know you. The image of you filled his mind though, it didn’t matter where he was or what he was doing, all he could think about was you. 

Wildflowers that lined the roadside and the way the sun would break through the spaces in the leaves on the trees. The soft twittering of baby birds that had just hatched in the nests that were built on the branches high above his head, the way the clouds drifted slowly across light blue skies. The feeling of the sun’s rays warming his skin as he walked back to the company building. 

All of these things reminded him of you because they were sweet, they brought him a joy that didn’t cost anything, it didn’t take much, all he had to do was step outside to experience it, and he could imagine you in all the things that he loved, all the things that brought him happiness. In his mind’s eye he could see you dancing in the wildflowers that filled a clearing that no one else knew about, sunlight creating rays that snuck through the trees, kissing your skin and basking in its warmth. Laying in the tall grass, a blanket laid beneath you as he stared down at you, whispering of all the dreams that he had, sweet sleep filled nights of a beautiful future with you, played out in his mind like images from a film reel, grainy and flickering, but mesmerizing all the same. 

How was he supposed to make this future that he had fallen in love with so deeply actually happen though? There was never time to talk to you, never time to go over to you and ask you how your day has been. His days were so busy that by the time he left the company building, all the lights in the daycare center were turned off and all the cars were gone. Would this future that he dreamt of for so many nights be nothing more than a pipe dream, a hopeless wish on a shooting star that would never come true? It was beginning to feel that way, the film reel starting to burn at the edges from being played way too much, the images fading and distorting as the reel clicked and became warped. Nothing would ever come of this hopeless infatuation… And he wondered why he clung onto it so tightly even still. 

The rain beat down on the the roof of the company building, a lulling sound that had him almost falling asleep in the practice room, his head leaned against the mirror lined wall, his eyes drifting shut only to snap back open once another roll of thunder roared in the sky like bowling pins falling in an empty bowling alley. He wouldn’t be able to go see you during his break, he sure as hell wasn’t walking to the coffee shop in this weather, and he knew for a fact that you wouldn’t have the children outside to play. 

Did you like the rain? Did you sing songs of the storm that hung in the clouds high above the tallest buildings? Did you dream of kissing the love of your life beneath the bright light of a streetlamp, an umbrella the only thing protecting you and your beloved from the raindrops that flowed like waterfalls over the edge? How he’d love to be your love, to feel your love and be loved by you, how he’d love to love you, to let you know what it’s like to truly be loved. Had you been loved the way he wanted to love you before? Was there already someone in your life that claimed to love you? They couldn’t treat you the way he could, no one could cherish you the way he would. He would never be able to get you out of his head, you were a staple in the most pleasant parts of his mind, a part reserved for relaxation and solitude. 

“The storm is only going to get worse from here, we should get back home.” Bangchan said as he wiped the sweat from his brow, grabbing his jacket off the floor and slipping it on. “Drive safely, get home safely no matter how you’re doing it, but text the groupchat when you do so that I know everyone is okay.” Ever the father figure, he waited for everyone to gather up their things, making sure he was the last one out of the practice room before locking up the door and following after them. 

Lee Know was the first one to climb into his car, starting it up and waiting for the others to pull out, being the last one to leave his parking space and getting out on the street. He could have taken the quick way home, the usual way home, but he opted for the long way, the way that could possibly give him a glimpse of you. School hadn’t been let out too long ago, and he was hoping that he’d maybe see you when you were on your way to your car or something, anything would be good enough, the image of you surrounded by droplets of rain only adding another scene to the movie that his mind had come up with. 

The streetlamps were the only source of light other than the headlights of passing cars, it was astonishing just how dark the sky could become, only lit by the sudden bolt of lightning that sent another wave of thunder rolling through and shaking the ground below. That’s when he saw you, standing on the edge of the road, right beside your car, pulling at the handle as your feet stomped at the puddle they were standing in. 

Not a second guess crossed his mind as he quickly pulled over, rushing out of his car to come over to you, noticing the way your drenched hair hung around your face, your clothes soaked and clinging to your body. How long have you been out here? How many cars had gone by and not even bothered to help you? As much as it annoyed him to think that no one seemed to even spare you a passing glance, he was happy to know that he would be the one to help you. 

“Is everything alright?” He called out to you, his voice raised so you could hear him over the sound of tires treading wet roads and rain pattering the hood of your car. You continued to pull at the handle to the driver side door, maybe you hadn’t heard him, or maybe you just didn’t want to hear him, but then you looked up and he could see the mascara running down your face and the look of desperation in your eyes. 

“My stupid car wouldn’t start up… and I came out here to check under the hood and I locked the doors from the inside but forgot to bring my keys and everything I have is in there…” You said, banging your fists against the window. “I can’t even call anyone… Do you… Do you possibly have a phone that I could use… Please?” You asked, your eyes widening as you looked at him, your hands clasped in front of your chest as if you were praying to him, and to say that the sight of it didn’t ignite some strange fascination within him would be lying. 

He nodded his head, motioning for you to follow him over to his car. “I have an umbrella in the backseat, unless you want to just sit in my car and try to warm up. You shouldn’t be outside so long in the rain, you’ll get ill.” He said, and you hesitated in the middle of the street which only had him waving his hand once more when he turned to look at you. “Come on… I promise… I’m a totally normal guy, I just want to help.” A totally normal guy that had been watching you daily, that had dreamt of you nightly and made up scenarios of the two of you together, an entire notebook dedicated to these thoughts. 

You were weary, and that was smart, he couldn’t imagine what could happen if you trusted the wrong person. As soon as you had gotten the umbrella and the phone, you stood as far back from the car as possible as you made your call. It was kind of silly to him. If he was going to kidnap you, he definitely wouldn’t do it on an open road, and he’d make sure to do it when you felt safe enough with him that you wouldn’t make a scene. 

He was tuned into you completely, all sounds of the world around him blocked out, the only thing he could listen to was your voice as you spoke to the person on the other end of the phone. The call ended quickly after you had given the address to where you were at, and you stepped forward just enough so that he’d be able to reach his phone without you getting too close. “Thank you… I’m sure you don’t want to stay out here in the rain, but… When they get my stuff out of the car, I can repay you for your time and your generosity.” 

His head cocked to the side as he slipped his phone into his pocket, denying the umbrella that you tried to hand to him even though he was standing out in the pouring rain, getting just as drenched as you were. “No need to repay me… Not with money at least.” Your eyebrows lowered as you looked at him questioningly, clearly not understanding where he was going with it or what he meant. “Let me take you out, anywhere you want, it’s on me.” He said, taking one cautious step forward just to gauge your reaction, but the only thing you seemed to be reacting to right now were his words. 

“I don’t think that’s how repayment works… Uhm… What’s your name?” He quickly introduced himself, offering out his hand for you to shake, and he couldn’t help but notice how soft yours were, but not only that, they were cold, and he wanted nothing more than to warm them with his own. “Lee Know… I’m Y/L/N Y/F/N… But… I don’t think it would be much of a repayment if you were still the one taking me out. Plus, I don’t think my cats would like it very much if I left them home alone. They have a very strict schedule that I have to follow.” 

And somehow you had gotten even more perfect, it was like there was a halo of light around you, a spotlight on you, a large neon sign hanging right above your head that blinked with the lights “She’s The One”. You were the one, he had known it since the first time he had seen you, but it just became more and more obvious every single day, and now that he was talking to you, it was like everything had been thrown in his face. “Your cats? What are their names? What are they like? I have three cats, Soonie, Doongie, and Dori…” And now he was just spilling everything that you might like to know about him without you even asking, throwing it all out there on the slight chance that it might make you feel closer to him, might make you want to be closer to him. 

Before you even had the chance to respond though, a tow truck pulled up right next to your car, the driver occupying all of your attention, and he hated it, he loathed it, it infuriated him. Couldn’t the man just do his job while the two of you were talking? Well… either way, he wasn’t leaving before the conversation was finished, and he surely wasn’t leaving before he had gotten your number at least. “The engine? Well… how am I going to get home? It’s pouring…” You asked the man who was looking at you like a meal instead of the woman of Lee Knows dreams, and he had the right mind to walk over there and talk to the man about how disrespectful it was, but he held back, now knowing how you’d react if he did. 

The driver offered for you to drive with him, that he’d drop you off at your address, but the thought of you being in some other man’s car, of the strange man knowing where you lived, it had his skin crawling, and he wasn’t going to stand idly by and let you just accept the offer when he had a perfectly good car that you’d be able to ride in as well. “I can drive you home if you’d like that more.” He spoke up, and he could see the driver gritting his teeth as he looked over at him, but Lee Know didn’t care, his eyes solely on you as you seemed to contemplate it. 

“Are you sure? That would be… great… but, if it’s out of your way-” Lee Know cut you off, a champion like smile on his face at his first ever victory when it came to you. He didn’t cut you off with words though, he simply held his hand up to stop you, grabbing your bag from your hand and then holding the umbrella above your head as you walked over to the passenger side of his car, but not without one last look back at the man who had lost without even knowing that he was playing the game in the first place. 

And that’s how it all started, a love story that filled his writing book with endless lyrics that went on and on about the woman that he loved so much that he’d die for her, he’d kill for her, he’d do anything to see her smile. Of course, the guys didn’t know just how true those lyrics were, they didn’t know the backstory, and they only assumed that he was writing from some strong emotion that came from somewhere other than the room in his house that was reserved solely for you. 

No one really knew that behind each of those lyrics was the truth, that he had killed people, that he had almost died while trying to get rid of anyone and everyone that might still have a hold on you. He wanted to be the only one who held you, who had a hold on you like the controller of a marionette doll, each of your strings connected to the wooden control bar in his hands. Every move you made was one that only he wanted you to, every word you spoke was only to be spoken to him in response to him. When he wasn’t with you, you’d sit pretty in the gorgeous bedroom that had shamelessly been set up before he had even spoken to you, countless nights spent in the bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering if you’d love everything he did for you. 

Sadly, getting you to stay with him wasn’t as easy as getting you to agree to date him, and to be quite frank, you had never actually agreed to stay with him, but he could remember the day that it happened so clearly, every single world spoken, every movement of your body, every expression on your face, it was like watching a movie that only he could see. 

“What do you mean quit my job? I love my job… I can’t just leave the children, they need me, they love me.” You had said, shaking your head and letting out a small chuckle of disbelief at the sudden request that he had made to you. “Plus I have bills to pay, and I need to care for my cats. I can’t just quit, you know that, just like I know you can’t quit your job.” 

Clearly you didn’t understand though, and he tried to stay calm as he listened to you speak your reasons. This was the first time something like this had been brought up, but he just assumed he wouldn’t have to address it any further than simply telling you to quit. “But what if you didn’t have bills to pay… what if you could just stay with me and you could bring your cats to stay too? Would you quit your job then?” All he needed was a yes, a single agreement and the irritation that he was beginning to feel would evaporate and the two of you could finish the evening that he had planned. 

“No… Lee Know, you don’t understand… It’s not about the money, it’s about the kids. They need me, and if I just quit… they wouldn’t be able to find someone to fill in for me… I can’t just… I can’t. I adore my job, and I honestly can’t believe you’re asking me to do something like that when you know how much my job means to me.” You shook your head, pushing away from the table that you had been sat at. “Maybe we can continue this conversation another time. I have to get back home and plan my lessons for the week anyway.” 

You were choosing your job over him… him… and he was just… supposed to do nothing about it? That was just… it wasn’t something that he could do. He had tried to be nice, he had tried to give you the opportunity to let things go easily, but you had been foolish and selfish. Why agree to a relationship when you’re just going to put everything else in your life in front of the person you were supposed to love? He would never do that to you, you would never be anything but a top priority to him. “If you walk out of that door right now, we’re done… we’re over. Is that really what you want? Do you really want to lose me over some job? It’s not worth it, I could give you everything… But if you leave, you’ll have nothing.” 

You paused right beside the front door, your hand lingering over the jacket that you had worn over to his house today, and you weren’t sure why you hesitated, why you turned around to look at him, but you did, and now he was right in front of you, glaring down at you. “That’s not fair, Lee Know… You can’t make me choose between love and my livelihood.” You whispered, letting him pull your hand away from the jacket, leading you back into his home and pulling you down on the couch beside him. 

“I’m not making you choose between anything, love… But you could have both if you stay with me. I can be your source of everything… you won’t have to work a day in your life, you’ll want for nothing when you’re with me, all you have to do is stay.” His hands slid up your arms before landing at your cheeks, cupping them gently and pulling you down to kiss him. “I want to show you something… And if you don’t like it… Well… Then you can leave… But first I want you to see it.” He smiled shyly as he pulled you off the couch and led you to one of the doors that he had always said was just a closet, but when he opened it, you were met with a grand bedroom, much more elegantly decorated than even his own room. 

The bed had a sheer net canopy flowing over it, the blankets were ivory satin and there were candles lit on the birchwood end tables that matched the frame of the bed. “What is… What is this?” You whispered, your heart frozen in a state of panic as you saw the photo frames that sat propped up yet empty on the dresser surface and anywhere else where they could be sat. “Lee Know, what is this?” You asked after having foolishly walked further into the bedroom, standing in the middle now when you turned to face him. 

He was still in the doorway, his arms outstretched as if to block your way of exit. “It’s your room, love… I made it for you, only the best. See… See everything that I could do for you? This is just the beginning… This isn’t even all of it. And… and maybe one day… we can share the room together?” You shook your head, stepping towards the door, but his hand now moved to the doorknob as he started backing out. “You’re staying with me… I promise you’ll love it soon… Just give yourself some time. I love you.” He whispered, pulling the door shut and locking it before you could reach it, heading straight for the kitchen to continue preparing the meal that the two of you were supposed to share as your fists slammed against the door, your cries for him to let you out and let you go home were drowned out by the music that he played through the speaker beside him. You’d learn to love it, and when that day came, you’d be free to roam the house just as you had before… Before you learned the truth. 

At first you refused to look at him when he’d walk into your room, you’d sit on the bed with your back purposely turned to him. You wouldn’t respond to any of his questions, and when he’d wrap his arms around you, your body would go stiff, and when he tried to kiss you, you’d back away from him. You didn’t understand yet, but he was sure that after a while you’d see that everything he did was because he just loves you, adores you, so much that he needs you with him always. 

After a couple weeks, you finally started talking to him, and he never realized how much he missed your face until he heard it for what felt like the first time again. “I saw a spider in the room.” Was all you had mumbled to him when he walked in with your daily meal, placing the plate down in front of you and smiling softly, reaching out to touch you, but you still backed away. Thank goodness for the spider for finally making you speak. 

“I’ll get him out of here for you, my love. Don’t worry.” And he did, he looked all over the room, under the bed, behind the wardrobe and the vanity, inside the closet, until he found the little arachnid under a pair of the many shoes he had bought you. He quickly squashed it before smiling up at you. “There you are… Nothing to worry about anymore. I’ll always be here for you.” And you’d always be there with him. He’d protect you from anything that you might be scared of, keep you safe from anyone that might try to hurt you. 

“Thank you…” You murmured, smiling softly back at him and it felt like his heart froze as he climbed onto the edge of the bed, his eyes wandering over you like you were the most amazing, precious artifact he had ever laid eyes upon. But when he tried to touch you once again, you moved away, your top teeth gnawing on your bottom lip as you quickly averted eye contact. 

It would take longer than this to make you comfortable with him again, and he’d wait as long as he had to. You were his no matter what, he wasn’t just going to let you go because you were upset with him, he’d just try harder. He would make you love him again, he knew he would.

A month or two in, he had awakened to the sound of your panicked gasps, the satin sheets on your bed rustling and then quiet whimpers. He hated the fact that he had to sleep in a different room, if he was already in the room with you, he could have helped you immediately, but now he had to climb out of his own bed and run into your room, the light from the hallway shining in on you and causing you to squint and shield your eyes from the brightness. “What happened?” He whispered anxiously, looking around the room although he knew no one would be able to get in. The windows were barred and nailed shut so that you couldn’t leave, and that meant no one else could enter. 

“Nothing… I’m fine…” You whimpered, shifting to lay down once more as you pulled the blankets up to your face. “You can go back to bed.” You rolled over onto your side, letting out a shaky sigh and a soft sniffle. He shook his head, going over to the bed and climbing in beside you, highly aware of the fact that you didn’t move away from him, instead relaxing against him as if he was exactly what you needed. 

“Tell me what happened, love… I’ll make all your fears go away… I’ll do anything you need me to do.” He whispered, nuzzling into your hair as his arms tightened around you. “I know that you don’t love me right now, I know you’re mad at me, but I’m doing this for you… for us… so we can always be together. I love you so much…” 

The sound of your gulp filled the silence that followed his words and as his hands slid down your arm, it stopped at your wrist, feeling your pulse quicken beneath your skin. “I never stopped loving you… I was just… scared. I don’t want to talk about it though, I don’t want to think about it…” You sunk deeper into the pillow, your breaths becoming more steady and even, but his fingers continued to linger, moving like ghosts along your skin that was coated in cold perspiration from the fear that your nightmare filled you with. “I’m not going to be stuck in here forever… am I?” You whispered, your voice timid, and it had him holding you even closer, his lips connected to the sensitive, damp skin of your neck, kissing it tenderly, pouring all of his love into each tiny peck. 

“You’re not stuck in here at all, love… The door has been unlocked since day two.” He hummed, and it was the truth, you had just given up so quickly on trying to leave that you hadn’t even noticed. “If you want to come out and join me for breakfast in the morning, you can… I’d actually love it if you did. You know how much I miss your company…” His hand slid down your waist, your hip, all the way down to your thigh before slipping his hand between them. “I missed you, my love, and it was even worse because you were right here… didn’t you miss me?” 

Your head nodded as your legs tightened around his hand, your own fingers dancing along his arm as your eyes slowly started to close, the exhaustion creeping up and setting in. “So much, Lee Know… I love you…” The words were but a sigh, a soft breath that filled the air, encircling his head and filling his ears. “I’m so tired…” 

And he had already won, he knew that he didn’t have to indulge himself completely in you tonight, he could have you any night he wanted, so he pulled his hand back, brushing the hair away from your face enough to press a quick kiss to your cheek. “Sleep now, lovey… I’ll be here in the morning.” And he was, he’d be there every morning, and so would you… where else would you be but beside him forever and ever. 

The sun had just begun to set, casting a pinkish hue through the pastel skies. You loved it, and you’d usually take the time to sit with Lee Know out on the balcony just to watch the sunset, but tonight you couldn’t, tonight was his night, and you were to be dressed and ready to join him before the set time. 

The black dress that he had personally picked for you was uncomfortable, especially since you were so used to wearing sweatpants and hoodies while you were home, but he insisted that you wore it, wanting to show off his beautiful love to the other members and other idols that were there. You were his, and he wanted everyone to know it. He never worried and he never felt threatened, he knew that if anyone were to say anything to him about being with you or if anyone even questioned the relationship, he’d be able to handle them. Although no one knew it, they had far more reason to fear what he was capable of than he had reason to fear them. 

He was sitting at the dining room table, looking over his phone when you stepped out of the bedroom, and the suit that he was wearing, the way he looked in general, it was sure to overshadow the elegant piece that you were wearing… not that you minded in the slightest, you never were a fan of being center of attention. “Lovely…” He whispered, his eyes widening when he looked up from his device, a wide smile spreading across his face as he looked you over. “Come here, come closer…” He cooed, his arms already outstretched for you to move between, and his hands quickly held your hips. “Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous… I’m the luckiest man in the world.” 

You rolled your eyes as you brushed your hands over his shoulders, smoothing out the wrinkles that formed there when he moved his arms. “I feel fat… Maybe the dress is too tight…” You murmured, but he chuckled softly, kissing your stomach before standing up and kissing the tip of your nose. 

“Of course not. You look stunning. You’re not looking down on yourself, are you, love?” You shook your head sheepishly, knowing that one of his rules was that not only should everyone else respect you, but you should respect yourself as well. “Good. Now, if you ever start to feel uncomfortable, you just tell me and we’ll sit down, alright?” You nodded swiftly, as he let out a hum of approval when he looked you over once more. “Now how am I going to keep every other man in the room from looking at you?” 

You thought he was teasing, so you giggled, and he laughed which only made you feel like you were right in your assumption, but he was already internally fuming at the idea of another man looking in your direction, staring too long at the way the dress hugged your figure, the way the accenting necklace hung low, the diamond falling just above your breasts making them focal point, but he’d be damned if he caught anyone other than himself looking at them. Maybe he picked the necklace so he’d have a reason to let off some steam, a reason to go off on anyone and everyone that crossed a line that they didn’t even know about. 

“I don’t think you have to worry about anyone looking at me… Not when I’m next to you.” You teased back, but truthfully, and unbeknownst to him, you were feeling the same way. It was a tingly feeling, like volts of electricity coursing through you, but instead of it feeling good, or making you feel excited, these volts hurt, they stung over every inch of skin, in every organ, it made it hard to focus on anything but the pain they caused. You were already jealous of everyone there, and you hadn’t even walked out the front door yet. “Are we eating when we get there or before?” You asked, trying to change the subject to help yourself, not even realizing how thankful he was in the moment for the derailment of his thoughts.

“Anything you want to do, love, we’ll do it. I don’t mind if we’re late.” He murmured, clasping his hand with yours as the both of you walked out to the car. He was always such a gentleman, it was hard to believe that at one point in your relationship he had tried to lock you in the bedroom that the two of you now shared. It had been about three years since then, and he had changed so much, and as impossible as it sounds, you loved him more than you ever thought you could. “Is there anything that you want to eat, anything that you’re craving?” He asked as he held the car door open for you and helped you into the car. 

Your hand rubbed over your stomach as you got comfortable in the seat, humming in thought before smiling up at him, a smile that he would kill, torture, maim, anything he had to do to see. You were beyond precious to him, you were a fragile artifact that he still couldn’t believe he had gotten his hands on. He would do literally anything for you, anything to make you happy, anything to make you stay with him… anything. “You know the leftover budae jjigae that you have in the fridge… and you said I could heat it up when I get hungry for it?” You mused, your eyes wide and pure and innocent as you looked up at him. Oh how it made his heart melt to see you like this, so dependent on him, and how could he say no to you? It would break your heart, and he never wanted to do that. 

“Is that what you want right now, love?” He cooed, leaning against the passenger door to look in at you. Sure, the awards started in half an hour and he wanted to be there for the pre-party, but you were his fiancee, he wasn’t going to let you go hungry the whole ride there, and there was a possibility that you wouldn’t even like the food they were serving. So he shut the car door, leaving you in there with the keys before rushing into the house to microwave your meal. A doting and devoted man to his woman, he loved and worshiped you like a goddess, the way you should be loved and worshiped. 

The car ride to the venue was practically silent aside from the occasional tapping of your utensils against the bowl and the light sound of sipping from the tumbler he had brought so you wouldn’t get thirsty. You were the only person allowed to eat in his car, he was so lenient with you, at least that’s what you assumed. In actuality, the leniency was more-so a test, a never ending test until you failed, and up to now, you had passed every single time. When you wanted to go to the store, you never went by yourself, he had done wonders in making you fear the world around you and the people in it, so you always asked him to join you. Whenever a call from one of your family members would come in, you’d tell him first and ask him if it was okay for you to take the call, and that wasn’t even one of the rules that he had tried to establish, you just took it upon yourself to start doing it to build trust, which you both had immense amounts of for each other. The entire relationship was built on trust and transparency and some sort of control and brainwashing on his end, but you didn’t need to know that. 

“How are your feet feeling?” He asked, highly observant, noticing that you had kicked off the heels that you were wearing at some point during the ride. “I know that you wanted to wear them tonight, but being uncomfortable won’t make you any more beautiful than you already are. I packed your flats as well, do you want to wear them?” You nodded your head quickly, your mouth still around the straw, slurping your drink as you looked at him with eyes filled with love, eyes that matched his own. “I’ll get them out of the trunk and then we can go in, alright? I’m so happy you get to join me, that everyone gets to see the wonderful woman that I get to spend my life with… I’m so lucky.” 

The ride to the venue and actually going in gave you a headrush, and you had never felt so crowded and so overwhelmed in your entire life. You knew that the world knew about you in some sense, Lee Know had never actually kept you a secret, but you had never actually been introduced to anyone, they only knew your name and how much he loved you. Now that they finally got to see you, they wanted to know everything about you, get as many pictures of you as they could, touch you, feel you, see if you were really real, at least that’s what it felt like as the camera flashes blinded you and multiple different hands tried to grab you. 

He stayed by your side the entire time, a protective arm wrapped around your waist as he ushered you through the crowds with the help of his security team. Low guttural curses slipped off his tongue and eyes that could kill, that he wished could kill, were shot in the direction of everyone that dared lay a finger on you. The faces and the names that were printed across their lanyard name tags of the people that actually did touch you were stored in his photographic memory for later, promising to deal with them when time allowed, no one got to just grab you and live on peacefully… not in Lee Knows book. 

“Are they always like that?” You asked once you had finally made it through the doors. He had pulled you off to the side, giving you a moment to catch your breath, steady yourself, and blink the flashing lights from your eyes before allowing you to walk again. He chuckled quietly at the question, shaking his head as he fixed a strand of hair that had been moved out of place during the commotion. 

“Not always… it’s just because you’re here. I think everyone’s been waiting to see you, and why wouldn’t they be? You’re the most stunning woman on the planet… Everyone wants a picture of you.” He leaned in to kiss you softly, his lips lingering just a second longer than usual against your own, and while you assumed it was because he just didn’t want the kiss to end, it was more of his way to mark his territory, to show everyone that you were his and his only. “Shall we get inside? We can find a seat, I’m sure your feet are tired.” 

As soon as you walked into the actual party room, you were left in awe, completely starstruck by the amount of famous faces that you saw, their names immediately popping into your head as soon as you looked at them. Lee Know seemed unfazed, and it didn’t shock you that much, he had seen these people many times before, and his eyes were trained solely on you as he led you over to one of the tables closest to the stage. “There’s so many people here…” You whispered as he pulled out a chair for you, and he nodded slowly, looking around to make sure no one was looking at you right now. “It’s a lot…” You muttered, grabbing his hand and holding it tightly. 

You had never been in a place, in a room with so many people before. The only place that you had even been to that seemed like it had even close to this many was the grocery store, and even that had you panicking if Lee Know didn’t stay close to you. This time, he would have to go up on the stage with the rest of the guys, and you’d be left alone at the table, by yourself, without him… It had you freaking out, your breaths coming faster as you looked up at him. “Hey, hey love… Don’t worry… I’m going to be right here until they call for myself and the guys, and then as soon as that’s over, I’ll be right back down here… It’s going to be alright.” 

Oh how he loved the way you attached yourself to him, needed him, the way you seemed to go into hysterics when you thought he’d leave you for longer than a minute. It was, in every sense of the phrase, a dream come true for him. “I feel like they’re all looking at me…” You mumbled, your eyes darting around his body, and while he tried to act unbothered by it, his eyes followed your own, checking to see if you were just imagining the feeling, or if there really were people who were ballsy enough to look in your direction. 

“It’s because of how amazing you look… As long as they know you’re here with me, let them look…” He squatted down in front of you, bringing your hand up to his lips and kissing along your knuckles as he looked up through his eyelashes at you, a look of pure adoration. “I’ll get us something to drink, and I’ll be right back, I promise. Just stay in your seat, rest your legs, I don’t want you walking too much.” And with one last kiss to the center of your hand, he got up, nodding, smiling, and greeting everyone that he brushed by or got close enough to talk to as you sat alone at the table. 

There were a lot of people there, a lot of people that you had seen before online, people that Lee Know had told you about, people that were far more attractive than you. You felt self-conscious as you looked at them, the way their own dresses hugged their perfect bodies, long slender legs being shown through the slits that ran high up to their upper thighs. How could Lee Know still be proud to be in a place like this, with such gorgeous people, seen with someone like you?

Your eyes followed him through the crowd until he ended up at the bar, and not long after he got there did a beautiful woman come up next to him. His smile widened when he looked at her, and you tried not to get upset, he was polite, it’s not like he’d glare at her and tell her to leave. But then her hand was placed on his shoulder, and he didn’t try to brush it off, instead he moved closer to her, and it’s not like things were too loud in the room, he would have been able to hear her from where he was originally standing. His hand moved to her waist as he leaned closer to her, and you watched her lips move against his ear, and then the laughter of the both of them as his head fell back and she seductively ran her perfectly manicured fingers through her hair. 

It was a sickening thing, watching the man that you loved flirt with another woman right in front of you, and it’s not like he didn’t know you were there, it almost felt like he was doing it on purpose. “Are you alright? You look cold… do you need a jacket or something?” A voice behind you said, and when you turned around, you saw Changbin with his own suit jacket already off and held out to slip over your shoulders. “You must be Y/N… I can tell. Lee Know said that you were absolutely stunning… and you’re the only one around here that fits the description.” He chuckled shyly, his eyes soft as he looked at you. “Well, here… If you need it…” He said after a moment of silence that was filled only by the droning of people talking around you, the sound becoming more of a background noise. 

“Thank you… Do you and… and the other guys already have a table?” You asked, slipping your arms into the tailored jacket, the sleeves hanging loosely, but his body heat stuck to the fabric of the jacket, immediately warming you up when you put it on. He nodded his head, motioning his head a couple tables over where you saw the rest of the group sitting and talking amongst themselves. “Oh… Well, I’ll see the rest of you on stage soon then… Thank you again…” He nodded quickly, patting your shoulder before scurrying off to the table with the others. 

His sudden exit seemed strange until you turned around and saw Lee Know standing there, his hands shaking, the sparkling grape juice in the cups spilling over the edges from the vibrations. “Is that his jacket?” He asked, his voice low as he looked over your form swimming in the large overcoat. You gave one swift nod and you saw his adams apple bob in his throat as his jaw set. “If you were cold, you could have asked me.” The stern tone that he took with you would have been scary if you weren’t so annoyed at the hypocrisy of the situation. “Give it here, I’ll return it to him. Take mine instead.” 

He was already unbuttoning his own jacket when you finally spoke up. “The girl at the bar looked cold, why not give yours to her instead?” You said snidely, and his head that had been turned down to focus on the buttons snapped up quickly to glare at you, his eyes daring you to repeat what you had just said. “Don’t play dumb, I saw the way you smiled at her, the way you touched her, the way she whispered into your ear, so close she might as well have been kissing you. Maybe she was… But you can spend the evening with her, I’ll join the rest of the guys at their table.” 

“If that’s what you’d like to do, go ahead. I won’t stop you. I’ll get you when it’s time to go home.” And he started buttoning his jacket back up, and you were kind of thrown back by how calm he was, how his agitated demeanor quickly dropped. “Do you want me to take you over to them?” He asked, and you shook your head, getting up from your chair and walking by him to go to the other table, never once had it crossed your mind that this was in fact a test and you had just failed. You had only assumed that he didn’t think it was a big deal, that his initial reaction was unnecessary since they were his members, they were like his brothers, he didn’t have to worry about them. “Enjoy your evening.” 

The guys were quick to include you in their table talk, and most of the conversations were about Lee Know, sharing embarrassing stories about him, or hyping him up, or asking how the two of you got together which was a story that had a lot of missing pieces, but they never noticed just how much had been skipped over. The entire time you could feel eyes burning into your back from the table that you had been sitting at before, and you knew they were Lee Knows, he had refused to join you at the table with the other guys, opting to just sit and stare at you from across the room. 

When they had been called up to accept their reward, you had been so proud of all of them, but your eyes were focused on Lee Know. Throughout the length of the evening, you had slowly but surely forgotten about the little incident at the bar, mainly because you came to realize that maybe your response to it had been blown out of proportion. Your entire relationship had been built on trust, and you knew that it was ridiculous to let one misconstrued moment ruin everything that the two of you had worked towards. 

You’d have to wait until the end of the whole show before being able to apologize to him for acting the way you did, but luckily it gave you enough time to really think about how you’d word your apology so that he’d understand where you were coming from. The script was being written in your mind when Lee Know came over to the table, pulling Changbins jacket off of you without a word and then pulling you up from the chair. “We’re going to be going home early tonight, she needs to get some rest and I don’t want her stuck in the rush of people trying to get out of here when the show ends.” He said to excuse the both of you from the rest of the show, and the guys nodded in agreement as they all said their goodbyes to the both of you. 

The reasonings seemed like he cared, like maybe he had gotten over the whole thing too, at least you hoped he did. His hand was held in yours as you both exited the building, and luckily, none of the reporters or fans had been prepared for your early exit, so they didn’t have the time to do much in regards to bum rushing the two of you on your way to the car. 

He still helped you climb in, holding the door for you, but he was so quiet, it was eerie and there was this ominous feeling of impending doom that lingered in the air surrounding the two of you. “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions…” You said when he got in on the drivers side, his door slamming so loudly that it had you jumping in your seat. “I’m not mad or anything… or upset… I love you…” 

A long huff left his flared nostrils as he put the car into drive, peeling out of the parking spot and whipping out onto the road. “We’ll talk about this when we get home. I need to focus on driving.” He said, his voice monotonous, emotionless, and his eyes staring straight through the windshield. He didn’t look at you once, and usually his hand would hold onto yours throughout the car ride, but instead, the fingers of both his hands were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel while your hand laid on your lap, palm side up, waiting for him to finally slip his fingers between yours, but that moment never came, and before you knew it, he was pulling into the driveway. 

Not another word was spoken as he yanked open your door, and his hand wasn’t extended to help you out of the car either. He didn’t walk beside you up to the house, and he didn’t even hold the door for you when he walked in first. It was obvious, beyond obvious that he was mad, and in the three and half years that you had been with him, you had never seen him this mad. Most of the time he’d yell at you, get it all out, and then it would be over within an hour or so after the both of you calmed down. Silence was scarier, silence meant that whatever he was feeling was only brewing, boiling, bubbling up until that silence was broken like glass. 

You had already tried to apologize, there really wasn’t much else to say, so you went to the bedroom, slipping the dress from your shoulders and letting it pool at your feet before putting on one of the pajama sets he had gotten for you and wiping off all the makeup and brushing out your hair. He didn’t seem to want to talk to you, let alone see you tonight, so you opted on just finishing your nightly routine, grabbing a drink of water, and then going to bed. He’d join you at some point when he calmed down, or he’d just sleep on the recliner in the living room. Maybe all that the two of you needed was a night to yourselves to realize just how stupid the two of you had been. 

Every part of you said to just stay in the room, to lock the door, drink the water from the bathroom sink and go to bed, but you still left the room, some little bit of hope pushing you out the door and sending you into the kitchen where you found him, his suit jacket hung over the back of his chair and the top buttons of his shirt undone. His hands were folded and his eyes were downcast, and if you didn’t know any better, you would have assumed that he had just fallen asleep at the table. “Why were you preparing for bed when I told you we’d talk when we got home?” His voice made you jump as you stood next to the fridge, your hand flying to your heart before letting out an awkward giggle and turning to look at him. “Is something funny? I don’t think it is.” 

And your laughter died immediately, getting caught in your throat when he turned around and gave you a look that he had only ever given other people when they looked at you. You had never been on the receiving end, and now you understood why everyone backed off so quickly. “I said I was sorry for overreacting… I just want to go to sleep, Lee Know… We can talk in the morning when we’ve both had some time.” 

He shook his head, and without warning he shoved the table away from him so he could stand up, two or three steps had him standing right in front of you. “You didn’t just overreact… I don’t give a fuck about your overreaction. I took you there as my fiancee, and you humiliate me in front of everyone in the business by accepting not only another man’s coat… But one of my band members. And then… And then, you go sit when them… beside him the entire fucking night while I sat by myself!” You dropped your eyes to the floor, your body shuddering under the heat of his anger, and you wanted nothing more than to get away from him, but he had you backed against the refrigerator now and there was nowhere to go. “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” He shouted, and you whimpered quietly, sinking into yourself, trying to make yourself smaller so that maybe he’d back up, but it only seemed to piss him off more. 

“What do you want me to do? It’s already happened, I apologized, that’s all I can do…” You muttered, wrapping your arms around yourself and keeping your head turned away from him. You weren’t entirely sure what he was capable of when he got this mad because you had never experienced him this mad before. It was an unparalleled rage and you had nothing to compare it to. “I don’t want to argue with you, I don’t want to fight… I can’t handle that right now… You know I can’t…” You whispered, but he only let out a humorless chuckle as he pulled his hand back, and you assumed he was letting you go, but just as you were about to move his fist came down against the fridge, the sound ringing in your ears. 

“No… No there’s a lot that you can do… you’re just too fucking stupid to do it.” You winced at the insult, but that wasn’t even the worst of it, his hand flew down to grab yours, holding it mere centimeters from your face. “See this ring? Do you see it!?” He shouted and you quickly nodded your head, blinking back the tears that were forming in your eyes. “It means that you’re mine! I oughta break your fucking finger around it, maybe it’ll remind you that it’s there, would that help you?” You shook your head quickly, your breaths ragged and uneven from trying to hold back your sobs. “Use your voice, you seemed to have a lot to say back at the event.” 

“Stop…” You choked out, your knees shaking as they threatened to give out beneath you. “Please stop… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” You sniffled loudly which caused you to cough, gagging on the phlegm and the bile that built up in your throat. 

He scoffed as he threw your arm down, his teeth gritting together as he took a few steps back. “Stop what?” He posed, his voice soft for the first time since you left the room, and you would have been foolish to think that he was done. “Stop wanting my fiancee to be loyal to me?! Stop what, Y/N!?” He grabbed his coat from the chair and threw it at your feet as you slipped down the refrigerator, sinking until your butt reached the floor. “That’s what you should have been wearing tonight! My coat! Not Changbins, not Bangchans, not Hyunjins, my fucking coat! Or is it not good enough for you?! Fuck!” 

His tangent was over, at least the verbal part of it, but his anger was far from drained as he started kicking over the chairs, finding anything to take his fury out on. The newly painted walls were punched as he shouted out curses, leaving behind holes that would have to be patched up and painted over. His fists were bloodied and bruised by the time he was done, and it felt like you had been watching him for hours, and maybe it really had been that long, you weren’t sure, all you really knew was that you wanted to go to go to sleep, and for the first time, you wanted to be locked in that room, you wanted to be by yourself comforted in the fact that you knew he wouldn’t come in there with you. 

He never came over to check on you, instead he dropped down onto the couch, heavy breaths filling his lungs only to be let out with long drawn exhales from over exerting himself. You took the opportunity to get up now that he wasn’t watching you, using the edge of the countertop to pull yourself up off the floor, but the position you were in when you had made the move sent a sharp pain running down your side, a sharp gasp escaping you as you clung tightly to the counter to keep yourself from buckling. 

The sound had him jumping up from the couch and running to your side, as if nothing had happened, his arm wrapping around you as worry clouded his previously anger filled eyes. “What’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay, love?” The questions shot out in a rapid fire progression, and the sudden switch only added to the dizziness you felt from the pain. You winced as you shied away from his touch, your face contorted into pain and disgust. 

“I’m fine…” You lied, biting back the whimper that formed in your throat when you straightened out, moving past him to go to the bedroom. “I’m going to bed now, goodnight, Lee Know.” You stated, leaving him alone in the kitchen as you shut the bedroom door behind yourself and locked it. 

This was like going right back to the beginning, but there was so much more on the line now, and he was hit with immediate regret as he looked around and realized just what he did. He had overreacted, he had taken it too far, letting one moment of jealousy take hold of all of his emotions and send him into a rage induced frenzy… It was foolish, it was uncalled for, but he had noticed it too late, the damage was already done. 

Jealousy surely is a bitch, it drops down and attaches itself to you like a tick, sucking all of the happiness from you, making you sick, and even when you try to get rid of it, you’re left with its ugly head, the aftermath, continuing to drain you until there’s nothing left. With hesitant footsteps, he carried himself to the door, knocking lightly against it just to get your attention. “I love you… dream sweetly, my love… I’ll be right outside the door if you need me…” He whispered, lowering himself to the floor and leaning against the wall, his eyes slowly shutting. At least you were still there, you were still his, and that’s all he could think of as he drifted off into his own dreams, dreams of him and you and the future that was yet to come. 

“Baby boy,” You murmur, “Is everything okay?”

Jongin stares up at you with wide eyes as you hover over him with your hand around his neck. He looks lost and confused, an intentional drop into sub space the cause of this.

“I don’t know,” He mumbles, “You tell me.”

You giggle at him, truly enamoured by his nature and so fucking turned on by it too. The way that he stares at you blankly, not a thought behind his eyes, it’s so beautiful.

“Oh, sweetheart,” You sigh as your fingers press a little harder into his arteries, “You really are so dumb, aren’t you? There’s nothing in that pretty little head of yours at all.”

Jongin’s already flushed cheeks burn even hotter at the condescending words that slip from your lips, his eyes growing hazy and dark with lust as yours do exactly the same.

You watch him intently as you allow contact, gently loosening your grip on his throat as you grind your naked, dripping core along the length of his hardened cock. He whimpers pathetically at the feeling and you bite your tongue to suppress the moan that you want to let out when his cock twitches against your clit. You remain strong, knowing that soon you will have him inside of you but you need to tease him just a little more first.

“You want this, don’t you?” You ask him, tantalisingly grinding your hips down once again.

Jongin nods slowly, his lips slightly parted as he processes your question, his nodding increasing in speed once the words sink in.

“I think so,” He replies, “I make you feel good, don’t I?”

You laugh at his question, finally releasing his throat altogether to then take your hand and ruffle his soft brown hair. He squeezes his eyes shut, pouting his lips as your actions remind him of just how much lower beneath you he is.

“Nini…” You sigh, with another playful roll down of your hips, this time angled to allow the tip of his cock to press against your hole, “I don’t know if you do, sweetheart, are you even capable of it?”

You tilt your head to the side, keeping your expression neutral as Jongin’s own eyes well up with tears. The sight is almost enough to break you, already so close to moving down onto him but you haven’t quite broken him yet.

“I am… I am capable,” He stutters, though his words are drenched in uncertainty and self consciousness, “You’ve told me before that you love my cock.”

You shift back to sit on his thighs, ignoring the whine he emits, ignoring the desperate throb of your cunt, begging you to take him. You trail your fingers down his immaculate chest, stomach, across his hips and down to the part of his body that he has just mentioned. You watch goosebumps raise on his skin as you move downwards and you stifle another laugh as his hips jerk when you wrap your hand around the base of his cock.

“Oh, this?” You ask as you gently begin to stroke him, “I do love it, it fills me up so well… I’m just not sure if you’re very good at using it.”

You are lying through your teeth at this point, Jongin is phenomenal in bed and you both know it, but putting him down and demeaning him is too fun and he falls apart so easily for you.

“I can!” He argues, his voice is pure whine now, “I’m good! I know what I’m doing!”

It is so hard to resist, moving forward to position yourself over him again, hand releasing just so you can feel him against you again. The more you grind down on him, the harder it is for you to say no…

“Maybe I need you to prove it,” You ponder aloud, your abdominal muscles burning as you hold yourself over him, “Do you think you can do that?”

You lower yourself down just enough to take him in just past the tip, though this only serves to tease you as much as it does him. You bite down on your lip to try and contain yourself, but now you are certain that you are mere seconds away from falling.

“I can, baby,” Jongin replies, no longer letting you overpower him, he lifts his hips just slightly to make you take him in further, “Let me show you… I’ll be good for you, I promise.”

———