SugiPie

Today I went out to collect stones with my father. While he was searching for valuable stones, I collected empty shells. Also, I realized I love breaking stones with other stones. I sat on pebbles and broke as many as I could; they were shiny inside. After that, we got hungry and went to a small place shared by multiple popular franchises. I got Arby's, it sucked… bleghh. Right after I sat down to eat I saw a interesting girl. She had a messy big hair (fluffy) that hid her face a little. It was dark blue on the top. She had a black cross on her neck. A nice brown, yellowish large tshirt. And a blue baggy jean. She was eating popeyes while talking to someone on phone with multiple different emotions. She got up and ask the popeyes employee for a bag to pack the food. While she was getting out, I saw her messenger bag. I looked for badges, and saw a pride ping and multiple other pins that I couldnt understand. She had a face that reminded me a lot. "There are a lot of people out there." I said to myself. I'm pretty sure none will be mine anytime soon. I'm interested in noone that I force myself to talk to. I think I'm slowly breaking myself, I do not consent to myself. I want to befriend, talk, be near those i describe here. I want to be with people I'm interested in. But even while I'm forcing myself to talk to men I have no interest in, I doubt I'll stop being alone. The end doesn't look nice to me. It's all pitch black…

What seals it is that all of it stays discreet and private, so I never think twice. If you've only ever tried plain text bots, the full sensory range over at sweetdream.ai is a different category entirely. The best AI girlfriend experience isn't one channel done loudly, it's all of them done together, quietly and well.

Today, I went out of my usual way to get home, as I had to see something. While returning, I saw a beautiful young couple alone at a bus stop. They slowly started hugging each other and getting tighter every second. And then the guy lifted his short girlfriend like a doll and started swinging her slowly. I couldn't help myself, so I smiled the whole time I passed them. Then the negative thoughts. This is my life's purpose, this is what I yearn for. I'm very veryyyy happy for them but I can't help but envy them. Maybe Its 100% my fault for being alone, maybe not. But I know that time is running out, I'm rotting. The fruit of my youth is slowly decaying. I wish I weren't me. I wish I weren't me at all.

Today, I was on my to home from school. I decided to buy something to drink, so I entered the nearest market near me. I heard a old lady questioning a worker "Are you new here??!!!!" and the employee said "No, they just switched my location to here." with tired eyes, obviously that old lady was also getting on my nerves with loud and repetitive questions. So I was infront the cashier, I put my stuff and watched one of the most beatiful boy I have ever seen. Cute face, small hands, gentle moves. He looked around 19-20. As he was quickly scanning my groceries, the line came to my 2.5 Litres of coke. He grabbed it with his both hands pushing it with sudden but weak moves. He shaked it alot but by I couldn't really get angry because I was trying to hold my smile at the moment. I was holding my smile because he was really cute. I was always into dudes like this since I knew I was queer. I wanted to check something so I looked at my not so beatiful hand and looked at his. It was quite uncompareable to mine. His soft white hands would dissapear on my hands. After I went home I thought of him for hours. I said to myself "Well since he moved here recently, I can go there to see him sometimes.". He also had a nice blond hair that looked like a tied mullet (?) but im not quite sure, it was long I'm sure of that. Anyway, It's a shame that I can't learn more about him. I also can't ask him out (😭) since we live in a more conservative place and yeah, I don't want him to be creeped out. He also had a lovely face with beatiful eyes. Maybe I'll compliment his hair one day. I'm not really trying to lie myself with fake promises of relationship but I would feel very nice knowing I made him feel good about himself.

So I just watched the 2nd episode of this show. We can clearly see that the protag knows hikaru isnt his real friend anymore and he's dead and replaced. Despite all of that, he still loves him alot and still keeps him around. Starting from the first episode I couldn't get the feeling of how this is similar to AI's. Now with the current technology, we have AI's that pass the turing test, AI's that can literally mimic a human by 100%. I wondered, what if our loved ones are replaced? What if your lover you cant stop looking at, madly in love, insomniac from being moonstruck sweet love is not real but an AI? What if you didn't actually achieved anything but the AI just existed to serve you hence it loves you? We are biological and have flaws we get angry, sad, happy for no reason, this makes us valuable, this gives us a meaning. A spesifically made AI is too good. You can enter characterai and you can be lovers with every character and theyll remember you if you pay enough. They were made to serve you, they were made to love you. You effort is worthless now. The cat you have doesnt loves you by choice, your mother is a tool and your lover was already going to love you anyway. So scary, I kinda understand the fuss about all those fallout 4 characthers hating synths, I'm a empath sadly. But we need to kill AI tbh.

I seen many clips of this manga/anime called "The Summer Hikaru Died". It seemed like a BL with mysterious undertones. I really like the way Hikaru looks. So in the first 6 minutes I started to miss the subtitles because I kept daydreaming of having a teen love. The idea of being in the process of losing my youth without a single valuable connections feels equvialent to touching hot iron. It's unbearable. I know it's not rocket science but I'm missing experiences I very yearn for either because of my looks or my personality or either of them. As much as I know the story is set in a rural place. I live in a city where It's the quality of a cheap-rural place. Theres something wrong with me that I can't put my finger on. The idea, the feeling, I can't stop imagining myself as corpse in thousand pieces. Theres no chance I'm myself. My body, my environment. It can't be. I know theres a lot of nice people out there, but I can't do anything about it. I'm bound to watch and suffer. My heart aches, my body feels dizzy. Theres a feeling I struggle to define. Behind my eyes theres a hot feeling, also my head feels the same, I have a sadness stronger than every situation. I know whats wrong or right, but I hate seeing people. Getting the gender affirming care I can't, getting the love I can't. It takes every part of little amount of joy I have in life. I'm struggling to find any other fiction different than post-apocalyptic that I don't drown myself in envious feelings while consuming the media itself. Anyway... I'm still going to watch this anime it looks real nice...

Today, while going to my home on a bus full of stinky old people, at around 8:30 PM, I saw a girl who reminded me a lot of stuff. She was the type of girl I feel an even stronger emotion towards. A girl who reminds me of stuff. I felt nostalgia, a warm feeling that covers my heart. Even greater safeness than anything I feel from. She had a beautiful face similar to a boy's (Yes, I'm Bisexual). This feeling has been quite absent for a while now. It was quite shocking to feel it once again. That feeling of "moonstruck" is making me write this. I asked myself, what's the point of relationships, what's the point of partnership or marriage, if I'm not going to feel dizzy and moonstruck every time I look at the face of my beautiful lover? I doubted myself, I'll never love a person so crazily who loves me too. I'll never see that person again, either. I'll never approach a person who looks similar or makes me feel the same feeling once again, too. I guess I'll never feel above clouds once again... I'll never numb myself with the most beautiful version of love again. Feeling this emotion once again, I doubted myself. Will I ever hook up? Will I ever have sex without having this much connection? What's the point if one look won't make me crazy? What's the difference between masturbation and a hookup if I won't feel this emotion? These questions are flying around my head tonight...

Side note: She doesn't know I'm trans or queer yet...

I'm confused once again. I don't know what I want to be once again. Whenever I get confused, I ask myself this: I have two buttons in front of me, one will make me feminine, another masculine. I say to myself, "I would definitely choose the button that would make me feminine," but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. These days, the idea of being weak scares me to death. That's what I wanted for a long time, but what if I get taken advantage of? What if I make myself weak enough to surrender all the time? But if I become more masculine, I'll be disliked by everyone around me and even by other Queers. I feel as if masculine people are notorious in the queer spaces. I've always been friends with trans people, mostly trans women; they bash each other very harshly for not being feminine enough. Almost all of my friends were trans. So naturally, I only need a fraction of time to understand a trans individual, hence my probabilities of dating a trans person are higher. But the people I'm interested in almost always like other feminine people. On one hand, being feminine, being vulnerable but likeable, on the other hand, being masculine, strong but strongly disliked. I wish life were a little less complicated for me. I don't trust time on guiding me in the near or far future...

Today I saw a girl on the bus who has stayed in my mind. She was obviously a queer, but I'm gonna call her a she. She had a pentagram on the back of her jacket and crosses in front. She had a nice-looking septum piercing, with cool orange-red hair. Badges on her shirt, and her cool bag. I could barely see the badges, but I saw the bisexual pride one. I felt quite refreshed seeing some people be able to show it off like that, unlike me. I couldn't show off mine, let alone obtain those badges. Maybe I could, but I didn't. Maybe I’m part of the problem... Not trying and failing, maybe that's the important part. The second I saw her, I said to myself, "Wow, she's so brave for wearing those, I would probably be honor killed if I did the same." Well, she was obviously an art school student. I'm not. People don't tolerate self expression, nor personality from different people. I should probably get one bisexual and trans one for myself. I'll definitely get picked on and mocked, but I should probably try it before I end it altogether.