envy the stars

Forgetting everything that came before - Sue’s comforting words, her hand squeeze, seven years of history - Mandy immediately pounced on the first sign of discontent, unable to help herself. Reeling in equal parts disgust and fear, she withdrew inside herself immediately. Her voice, when it came, felt…small. Vulnerable. She hated these parts of herself - and maybe even Sue, a little bit, for drawing them out. “…Who says things aren’t okay?”

Her mind flashed to worst case scenario. Sue didn’t want to be her friend. (Why?) Sue had found someone better? (Unlikely). Sue was in love with Wayne??? (Literally the most unlikely thing, but hey, anything was possible). And then it hit her. Voice low, she leaned back in, scarcely louder than a whisper - as if the walls might be listening. “Did Stephen say something?” She hissed, remembering that night at the Slytherin party all those months ago.

In the best scenario in Sue’s imagination, Mandy would smile, soft and kind, and they would have a long, productive conversation. But she could already see Mandy pulling back from the conversation, shutting down the comfortable atmosphere they had before. Maybe Sue shouldn’t have brought it up so soon. Maybe she should have eased them into it. She had thought she had done it okay, but now she felt clumsy and lost.

“Stephen didn’t do anything!” Sue frowned at the sudden question and shook her head. “It’s. I’m saying things aren’t okay. We’ve been pretending they are, but they aren’t. They haven’t been in a long time and I need us to talk about that.”

WHEN: january 3rd, 1998 WHERE: train platform WHO: @sueyqli

there was something sad about returning to hogwarts. it was an unfortunate feeling, one that settled oddly within noah, but he supposed mostly it was because he had spent so much time with stephen over break that not having him near constantly wouldn’t feel quite right. the idea that this was the first time he wasn’t looking forward to come back to hogwarts also nagged at him. it just hadn’t been the same, not since the carrows took over, and frankly not since dumbledore died. but he at least had stephen again — sue and millie, too, though he hadn’t ever lost them. the platform seemed simultaneously too crowded and empty all at once. with every turn he took, mumbled apologies with every person he bumped into, he found himself recognizing someone and realizing there was an empty spot next to them where a friend once stood. it was disconcerting.

there was no reason to linger on the platform longer than needed. noah glanced around, a rush of students around him as they all hurried towards the carriages. it was chaotic, more-so than normal he thought, but he took his time. a familiar figure caught his attention, and he called out, “ sue — hey, sue. “ he pushed through the crowd, ignoring dirty looks as he moved somewhat against the flow of people. once he stood in front of her, he offered a slight smile, adjusting the strap of his bag hanging on his shoulder. “ hi. i’m sorry we didn’t get to catch up over break — things were —, ” he shrugged. “ — busy. but i did get you a christmas present. it’s a little late but the thought is still there, if you want it. ” there was something softer about noah than had existed in the past. something hesitant, something unsure. something not hesitant in being kind to those he cared for.

Sue didn’t love being home, didn’t love the big empty mansion and awkward dinners sitting across from her grandmother. Christmas was a family gathering where Sue often found herself tucked in a corner wearing her fanciest dress and reading whichever book she snuck out of the library before festivities started. Her family didn’t even particularly love Christmas, but since it was a great excuse for a big family party, they went all out anyways. At least this year, she had Morag with her to field off conversations with aunts and uncles and family friends she hadn’t really spoken to in a year now. It made being home nice, and now on the train platform ready to go back to Hogwarts, she found herself wanting to ask her mom to turn back and spend the rest of the year in her bed. She didn’t really want to go back to Hogwarts, but she knew it was for the best. She might have gone insane any longer at home.

She looked up and tried to wave at Noah when she heard his voice, pausing until he stood by her. She smiled up at her friend and offered a hand as they followed the flow of the crowd. “Hey, Noah. I can imagine they were. How was going home with Stephen?” She had been hesitant when he had told her his Christmas plans, with how explosively things had ended between him and Stephen and how abrupt (to her, at least) their reconciliation felt. But Stephen was kind and Noah was in love and smiling, so she didn’t think anything terrible could have happened. “I have a Christmas present for you too, if you want it.”

“Duh.” And then, a little wistful and more than a touch regretful. “But you know what my dads are like.” And she did, not as much as Morag - but far more than anyone else in the world, one of two Mandy had allowed to peer at her vulnerabilities. Once upon a time, there had been more - Michael and Anthony - and even Terry. But no longer. Sue and Morag were the only friends she had left - the only true friends - and Mandy would cling to them with all her might.

“Oh.” A sigh - and an inhaled breath, drawn in apprehension. The conversation hasn’t begun yet - but already, Mandy isn’t sure about its direction - or its destination. There’s a reason they don’t discuss these things, delicate diplomacy - and Mandy isn’t sure she wants to shatter that. It’s so perfect as it is. “Why?” She asks, forehead crumpling, peering at her best friend curiously. “It’s…depressing.”

Sue smiled sadly and reached for one of Mandy’s hands. “I know. I can still wish though.” If she had her way, she could hex Mandy’s dads and take Mandy away from them. She didn’t know a lot about them, but she knew she didn’t like them. She couldn’t like them, no matter how much they and what they stood for meant to Mandy. 

Sue intertwined their fingers, squeezing her best friend’s hand tightly. “Yeah, but we have to talk about depressing things. Just because they’re sad doesn’t mean they don’t exist and not talking about it just makes us unprepared.” She took a deep breathe. You can do this. It’ll be fine. Your best friends and she loves you. “I just don’t want us to keep acting like everything is okay when it’s not.”

where: the library when: january 15th who: @sueyqli

drumming his fingers against the table as his parchment still sat untouched, the book splayed open in front of him, terry was curious as to whether or not amycus actually read any of the dark arts homework that he typically gave out. he could picture him, simply tossing the papers into the fire and not caring about anything other than exercising his authority. 

letting out a dramatic sigh, terry cradled his chin in the palm of his hand, glancing over at sue who was across the table. “are you still working on something?” he asked, raising a brow. he didn’t know if was just him that seemed to never be able to concentrate on the work in front of him, but having someone else to commiserate with would certainly make him feel not as lousy about consistently avoiding his homework. “i’m bored. let’s do something.” 

Sue knew there were people who, during the Professor’s protest, who wished they would just go on as if classes were normal, just for a brief break from how much everything else has changed around the castle. Sue agreed for a moment, but now, sitting in this library staring down at her Transfiguration essay, she wished she had anything but academics to worry about. 

She looked up at Terry. Technically, yes, she was working on something. However she had long gotten distracted by a doodle in her textbook she had forgotten about and had been slowly and steadily adding to it for the last twenty minutes. She mimicked his sigh and shook her head. “I don’t think anyone is actually working right now. What did you have in mind?”

sueyqli‌:

It was good to be back. Having Christmas break as good and refreshing, especially with Morag coming home with her, but there was only so long Sue could stand being back in the mansion before it started to feel suffocating. Being home was good, though. Being home meant seeing her mom and having the time to quietly build up the courage to have the conversation she’s been avoiding with one of her best friends. 

It would be fine. She knew Mandy wore her blood purity like a crown, all old blood pride and superiority. She knew Mandy loved her too, and she thought, after her conversation with Morag, that it might be enough. Would be enough.

She took a deep breath and made her way downstairs, wishing Morag a good night before sitting down next to Mandy with a smile. “Couldn’t sleep.” She covered her smile with a hand, giggling at Mandy’s comment. A little mean, but so Mandy. “I thought we could talk.” 

Allowing only the briefest flash of concern to manifest on her face, Mandy quickly twisted her lips into a smile. “Course.” Patting the sofa space beside her, Mandy beckoned Sue over. “Come sit next to me, I’m freezing and you’re like a pocket heating charm.” Delicate and shy, there was a quality about Sue Mandy could never - would never - find in herself. She wasn’t envious, not exactly, but sometimes, she wondered what being like Sue would be like. Just for a little while - of course. After all, she wasn’t so careless to trade her entire life and legacy. Not permanently. 

Maybe not even for a moment.

Stroking loose strands of Sue’s hair thoughtfully, with soft affection, Mandy tucked them behind her shoulder. Around Sue, around Morag - even more than Wayne - there were no barriers, no pretending. It was purity of a different kind. “So, what did you want to talk about?” Leaning in, Mandy grinned. “Is this the part where you tell me you have an incredibly cute girlfriend? Because two things - one. you deserve that and two. you’re too good for her.”

Sue sat down next to Mandy, leaning into the other girl’s touch. She knew they would be fine after this, she hoped, but a part of her still wanted to treasure this peace while it lasted. “I missed you over break. Christmas would have been so much more fun with you.” She wished Mandy had come over, although she knew her best friend went home every break. She wished she could have spent Christmas with the two people she loves most, could have fallen asleep between her two best friends without worrying about school and the DA and Death Eaters.

She wishes she could have had this conversation in the safety of home.

She blushed at Mandy’s question, shaking her head. “No. I-” Sue coughed and covered her pink cheeks. “No. I just wanted to talk to you about what’s been going this year.”

Stephen doesn’t know how much time has passed since Noah headed off towards the castle again, the two of them having spent time together while trying to avoid onlookers. He’d .stayed behind in the courtyard for that exact reason, figuring it’d be less attention-grabbing if they walked back in separately. 

He picked his head up, surprised to see that it was Sue who was trying to get his attention. “Oh,” he said simply, not being able to remember the last time that the two of them had spoken. He glanced up from his book, initially nervous that Sue had managed to see him and Noah earlier, and was coming to confront him about it - but that couldn’t have been it. Noah had left quite a while ago, Stephen sticking around in the courtyard mainly in hopes of avoiding a situation like this or the two of them being seen together. 

Realizing he was probably being rude - not that it was undeserved - he cleared his throat, attempting to restart the convo. “Hi Sue,” he responded, shutting his book on his lap and tucking it away in his bag, before turning back to look at her. He vaguely motioned towards the empty spot on the bench beside him, giving her to option to sit down as well. “What did you want to talk about?”

Sue paused. Maybe she shouldn’t have done this. Maybe she should have gone to someone else, someone who didn’t have a reason to hate her. They had been friends, before. When Noah and Stephen would hold hands and Stephen had no knowledge of the letters and Noah’s stupid attempt at teenage rebellion. In hindsight, she should have said something, should have pushed more for Noah to be honest. She had lost two friends in the break up, and she couldn’t say she didn’t deserve it.

Still. Stephen, despite everything, was honest. He wouldn’t tell Sue more about the DA unless it was what was right. 

She fidgeted with her hands for a moment before sitting down beside him, tossing around whether she should be doing this standing up or sitting down. Breathe. You can do this.

“I feel like there’s a lot we have to talk about before I get to why I wanted to speak to you. I-” She paused. It seemed so easy in her head, to apologize, to try and explain why she kept Noah’s secret, to admit to her own guilt. She had thought about this ever since everything had blown up, and here she was, tripping on her words. “I’m sorry. For last year.”

     seamus paused for a second, unable to prevent his jaw from dropping.  realistically, he knew of the requirements to become an animagus — was vaguely aware of the process, at least.  but any time he was reminded of the actual steps, it was jarring.  who in their right mind … ?  finally, he blinked the shock away and turned back to sue.  “merlin.  i forgot that was a part of it.  fuck.  maybe the potion in lightning?  maybe it’ll electrocute you so badly that turning into an animal stops hurting.”

Sue tried to imagine McGonagall tipping back a potion during a lightning storm and coming out of it like a superhero in Muggle comic books. She wondered, not for the first time, who stumbled upon the month long process to become an animagus and had the idea of yes, let me just drink a potion during a lightning storm. “Feel pain so badly you don’t really feel pain anymore? That doesn’t seem quite right, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some wizard decades ago and thought it up and decided to try it out.”

WHEN: 5th january 1997, 11:29pm WHERE: ravenclaw common room, in a corner WHO: closed @sueyqli

Curled up by the fire, Mandy watched the last embers of it die over the cover of her book, oddly charmed by its demise. Even in its destruction, there was a sense of calm - one she hadn’t felt her entire winter break. Logically, she knew she could have stayed…made up some excuse about needing to study for her NEWTS. There had been no need to go home. And yet, there had been every need, hadn’t there? Even if it terrified her. Even if it felt like no home at all. But she was back now. Back with Wayne. Back with Morag. Back with Sue. Back where she belonged.

Hearing a shuffling noise behind her, Mandy peered over her shoulder, face softening as she glimpsed Sue. Marking her book and shutting it, she sat up in her chair, cross-legged across it. “Hey. Thought you and Morag had called it a night?” Gesturing to the chair opposite her, Mandy leaned into the conversation. “I’m trying to avoid Lisa for as long as I can. You know, I’m still convinced she snores. I wouldn’t put it past her to deliberately train herself to do so. Just to piss me off.” 

It was good to be back. Having Christmas break as good and refreshing, especially with Morag coming home with her, but there was only so long Sue could stand being back in the mansion before it started to feel suffocating. Being home was good, though. Being home meant seeing her mom and having the time to quietly build up the courage to have the conversation she’s been avoiding with one of her best friends. 

It would be fine. She knew Mandy wore her blood purity like a crown, all old blood pride and superiority. She knew Mandy loved her too, and she thought, after her conversation with Morag, that it might be enough. Would be enough.

She took a deep breath and made her way downstairs, wishing Morag a good night before sitting down next to Mandy with a smile. “Couldn’t sleep.” She covered her smile with a hand, giggling at Mandy’s comment. A little mean, but so Mandy. “I thought we could talk.” 

“It’s good to see you,” Sally-Anne began, closing the gap between herself and Sue. “It’s good to see you here, I mean. Not that it isn’t good to see you in other places, I’m just saying — it was brave of you to come on your own, you know what I mean.” She truly hoped that Sue actually did know what she meant, as the words seemed to be coming out strangely now and not at all how Sally-Anne wanted to say them. Her hands wrung nervously as she glanced around the room, eyes darting to avoid Sue’s. Merlin, Sally-Anne was not normally this anxious in conversation. 

“Look, I miss you,” she blurted out after a moment’s pause. “I’m sorry for what happened at the party, if that was confusing — there was a lot going on that night,” Sally-Anne admitted. “And I’m sorry for everything that happened before then, too. I s’pose that’s all I wanted to say.”

“It’s good to see you too.” She almost wanted to laugh at the awkwardness between them, the flustered attempts to reconnect. Sally-Anne called her brave, but was it cowardly to be glad the other girl had made the first step? She wasn’t sure when she would have worked up the courage to walk up to the other girl herself. She bunched up the ends of her sleeve in her fists, looking down at her feet before glancing back at Sally-Anne. Was she really apologizing? Sue couldn’t think any of what happened was Sally-Anne’s fault, during the party or before then. 

Especially before then.

“I-” Sue swallowed. Why was it so hard to say? “I miss you too. Everything that happened, none of it was your fault. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

     “i dunno.”  he was vaguely aware of the severe skeletal differences between humans and cats.  but seamus hadn’t put too much thought into actually losing and shrinking bones throughout the process.  it made him shudder just thinking about it.  “i don’t think people would do it so much if it hurt that damn badly.  like, she’s old,”  he said, pointing at mcgonagall when it appeared she wasn’t looking,  “if it hurt that much, she probably couldn’t do it day in and day out.”  he paused for a second, considering the possibility.  “maybe something in the process makes it not hurt.  it’s supposed to take months to become an animagus, right?”

Sue cocked her head to the side. Sure, she had at some point in her life wondered what it was like to become an animagus, but she thought it might be a bit sad if she did and then realized she preferred her animal form. The process though, was difficult and long, and it would make sense at least one step would deal with the whole growing/losing bones aspect. “Probably. What do you think, it is the Mandrake leaf in the mouth for a month or the potion during a lightning storm?”

Dread filled up Morag the moment she spoke the words. What if this was the end? What if Sue would dismiss her apology and express her anger and her feelings of betrayal? She would not be wrong to do so. She knew that.

She couldn’t lose Sue, though. She was one of the constants that Morag wished to cling to, but she was also someone she loved so genuinely — she didn’t know where she’d be without her. She’d lost a best friend once before. She didn’t want to go through that ever again. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to even do that.

But then Sue said she forgave her and Morag suddenly felt like she could breathe again. She hadn’t noticed the pressure on her lungs before it was lifted.

She felt something in her eyes burn. She squeezed Sue’s hands before embracing her.

“I’m so sorry,” she said again. “I really shouldn’t have. Ignored it, I mean. I never meant to hurt you.” Morag pulled back from the hug, eyes falling on Sue. There was still so much that she hadn’t said, so many bottled up words in her stomach. This was step one of making this friendship more truthful. She was tired of the lies. (And yet, still terrified of the truth.) “You’re my best friend, too.” 

She fought the dread that kept coming up in her stomach like acidic bile. “And that’s not going to change.”

Sue leaned into Morag’s embrace, wrapping her arms around her best friend and holding her tight. She had been angry and disappointed in both herself and in Morag for so long. The two of them both had refused to be honest with each other for a while now, and Sue couldn’t lie and say she hadn’t considered what would happen if they stopped being friends. At her loneliest, curled up in her bed with her forehead resting against her knees, she imagined living without her best friends. She knew they loved her as much as she loved them, but she was never confident in whether that love was enough. 

After all, who was she in the face of their families? Of what they grew up knowing and believing?

She buried her face in Morag’s shoulder, her eyes getting wet as she let out a deep breathe. She loved Morag more than anything. She knew there wasn’t anything but forgiveness for her. Even when she was angry and disappointed and charged with a need to scream at her, she couldn’t imagine anything else but forgiveness. 

“I know you didn’t. I know.” She took a deep breath. “I love you. So much. Nothing is going to change that.”

WHEN: december 16, 9:49pm WHERE: room of requirement WHO: @sueyqli

More than a month and a half since their drunken escapade at the Slytherin party, Sally-Anne still hasn’t been able to find the right moment to talk to Sue. She wants to, of course — Merlin, there’s nothing she wants more than to finally make things right with her former friend. Especially now that she’s promised to relax in her attitude toward Noah (a task at which Sally-Anne has been doing her absolute best, thank you very much), there’s no reason why she and Sue shouldn’t be able to reconcile. Perhaps Sally-Anne’s just been afraid to be the one to make that first move, especially since the two of them had gone and made everything even more awkward by spending a good portion of one evening attached by the lips.

Seeing Sue at tonight’s DA meeting, while certainly a shock, feels like a sign that the time’s arrived for something to finally happen. Sally-Anne misses her friend, she’s been missing her for months and there’s a tiny flutter in her chest at the idea that they could go back to how things were before. That is, of course, if Sue feels the same way. 

“Hey, have you got a minute?” Sally-Anne stops the girl before she can leave with the rest of the crowd, hanging back in the almost too-large room. 

Going to the DA meeting tonight felt like a little act of bravery, even if it were belated. She sat quietly in the corner, hands bunched in the length of her sweater as she listened and watched others speak. So many familiar faces. Most of them she had predicted, and she wondered how many were surprised to see her shuffle into the Room of Requirement and sit down. Usually, when she walked someone, she had Morag and Mandy on either side, like two pillars of support. And tonight she had been alone.

As the meeting ended, Sue waited for the first wave of people to have, chatting and laughing, before she got up and grabbed her bag. She paused when she heard a voice behind her. Sally-Anne. For a moment, Sue wondered if the Hufflepuff had been talking to someone else. It had been more than a month that the party. They hadn’t spoken since then, Sue too embarrassed and flustered to approach the other girl when she saw her in class. They had kissed. It didn’t mean the other girl had forgiven her.

When she peered around and noticed no one else stopping, she looked back at Sally-Anne and nodded. “Yeah. D-” she swallowed, “did you need something?”

Sue imagined this is what protagonists at life changing points of their story felt like: anxious and ready for the world to explode. Well. Maybe not exactly, but as she stood at the entrance to the courtyard with her bag clutched between her hands, she felt like the world should be as tightly wound as she is. Like time should slow down for just a moment so she could think. After everything that had happened, she felt like she didn’t have any excuses to hold back on this anymore. 

Was she really going to do this?

Yes. Yes, she was.

She walked over to where Stephen was sitting and took a deep breath. “Do you have a minute?”

when:  9 december 1997 where:  transfiguration classroom who:  @sueyqli​

    “suppose it hurts?”  seamus leaned forward to talk to sue.  technically they were in transfiguration, but mcgonagall had once again turned herself into a cat at the start of class.  without checking the time, he guessed there was still another thirty minutes or so before she turned back and dismissed them.  as much as he appreciated the strike, he sincerely wished they could’ve gotten away with canceling classes outright.  at least then he might get some sleep.  “i mean, i know it’s stupid hard to become an animagus.  but do you think it hurts, going from human to cat and back?”

Sue peered up from her notes. She liked transfiguration and liked McGonagall. No nonsense but still kind. She was perched on her desk as a cat, looking at students and refusing to teach. Sue thought the strike was interesting, but she could tell some students would have preferred cancellation or the ability to pretend everything was fine. “One would think it would. You’re rearranging your bone structure. You’re also shrinking your bones and then growing new ones as a cat. You’re losing your collarbones and then getting them back. Skelegro is rather disgusting and painful, so I can’t imagine becoming an animagus isn’t.”

What will happen once we’re sober? Sally-Anne wondered. Will we finally talk about things now? Will we work it out, go back to how things used to be? Hope fluttered momentarily in her chest, but the much more realistic thought that they’d simply go back to ignoring each other quickly took precedence and squashed that hope as soon as it had sprung. She didn’t have long to dwell on this, however, as a shout from someone in the circle now became too loud to ignore and she had to pull away from Sue, softly and playfully biting on the girl’s lower lip as she did so. “I think they want us to move,” Sally-Anne giggled, looking at Sue for a moment before the two of them got up. Merlin, she really was very pretty. Determined to resume as soon as possible, Sally-Anne took Sue’s hand and pulled her over to the side of the room, grinning as she pushed Sue up against the wall. 

“This is a bad idea, isn’t it?” She whispered before leaning in again.   

Parties were, to a sober Sue Li, the worst. Too many people moving and shoving each other, too many couples getting as close to sex as they were allowed in a public space, too many spilled drinks making the floor sticky with grime. But right now, she liked it. She liked being close to Sally-Anne again, even if it wasn’t the kind of close she really wanted. She wanted them to be friends again, to be able to work it out and go back to studying by the lake and telling each other whatever was on their mind. But as Sally-Anne giggled, Sue felt her mind go cloudy as she laughed in response. “Ah, maybe we should.”

If sober, Pansy would have evaded Sue’s question, coming up with a sharp reply instead. Then, she would have curtly walked away, not bothering to think twice about the wallflower she had left behind. Then again, this conversation never would have been happening had Pansy not been pissed. Sue just…well she wasn’t someone Pansy went out of her way to talk to. Or in her way, for that matter. Next to Mandy, she had faded. And Pansy only had it in her to befriend one Ravenclaw. So, instead, she shrugged. “Just something we prefer to ignore.” But Pansy couldn’t quite let Sue’s final comment go, the hypocrisy too much to stand. “Oh come on!” She exclaimed, turning back around, openly mocking the Ravenclaw. “That’s pretty rich coming from someone who’s friends with Mandy. Don’t get me wrong, the girl is a hoot. And fuck only knows, I don’t have any problems with her views. But I imagine you would. Or…are you too much of a coward to call her out? Do you prefer to be complicit in her actions? If you won’t hold yourself to those lofty standards of behaviour, then stop calling everyone else out.” On a rant now, Pansy couldn’t stop herself talking. “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” 

Sue paused. She didn’t like to admit it, but Pansy had a point. She didn’t like Mandy’s views or friendship with other purebloods who would take a sadistic kind of joy out of tripping her in the hallways or taunting her until her eyes glazed over, but she loved Mandy. She was one of her first best friends. She held her hand through everything. 

But how much longer could Sue be silent and complacent until it becomes too much?

“Mandy knows I don’t agree with her.” She took a breath. Sober Sue Li, who knew Pansy wasn’t her friend and let her words stew on her tongue before slipping out, wouldn’t continue. She’d finish zipping Pansy up and leave. She’d walk away, afraid of being confronted with the hypocrisy of her friendships. But tipsy Sue Li had a loose tongue and a rising need to defend herself. “It’s just difficult to talk about. You can’t exactly call your best friend a bigot without consequences.”