I like puns

i just want all my secrets back, i don’t want anyone to know anything about me anymore 

It’s strange how the the brain doesn’t register a second ‘the’ when written next to another ‘the’.

…fuck

If we date you're gonna have to get used to me always wanting to touch you

me: bake off is over what the fuck am i supposed to do with my life now bbc one: a new series of the apprentice starts next wednesday me: oh right

20 minutes into “pink floyd and chill” and the first song isn’t even over yet

Jesus omg oh mygod holy lord

This is exactly the thing we’ve been talking about, with abusers adopting the lingo of groups and exploiting their dynamics.

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

This is so manipulative and disgusting.

Incredible

0-100 at light speed

he got distracted by his own insurance tragedy but quickly got himself back on the path to romance

some kid actually said this pick up line to me 

remember those boys in middle school whose digital watches would always go off in class … what were the alarms for … why did they never learn how to turn off the alarms

There are only two days in your lifetime that aren’t 24 hours long

…wow wtf