Maybe typing them would relieve me of the constant stress

I was just reminded about how i forced myself to sing a love song in front of a lot of people when i was in highschool

I sang it for my then crush on a Christmas party

My voice was nowhere near good I don’t how why i had that delusion that it was and I was so INTO IT

I remember running away after and going home early from the sheer embarrassment

It’s just one of those many things that i wish i could erase or stop myself from doing

This same idiot became my boyfriend after a few years in college and then physically hurt me

It’s just fucking trauma back to back

A bit tipsy from the beer and still grateful for this day.

I initially hated this plan to be at the park again with my relatives and very few of my friends not being able to come. I hated that the person i want to kiss most isn’t here too.

But I’m well fed and i get to play with my kid cousins and I learned to be so grateful despite the pressure I and everyone placed on me.

i guess its starting to feel like a huuge relief finally graduating and fooling myself on this degree for almost 10 years

i’ve been digipainting and have been learning so much and i don’t remember enjoying this much or being this eager at all

i’ve even went as far as thinking about wanting to someday put up an art studio company or an entertainment agency that covers gaming designs, fashion and comic books. anything i was particularly passionate about in the arts

i wanted to figure out how to develop that dream in a small scale way as i’m late entering onto my industry slave life which will probably kill and shatter those

but im very dedicated to explore an art style the most

I’ve yet to drop Rml, but damn the way he makes me feel loved and lusts over me is so addictive.

I think he still knows the surface me not the real failure but I sometimes have a feeling that if he ever did found out. He’d still accept me, or not. Prolonging this shit was a bad idea because it did fell into deep. I even imagine having sex with him even though his face still makes me uncomfortable.

As for Jms.

God, I don’t know anymore. The love and hopefulness is still there but I barely feel any fucking spark. Sometimes I think about just waiting for it all to die down on his side, again. It was like a mistake to want him so bad when he cheated on me with an awesome girl because it seemed like the wrong way to end us. But now, it’s like I’m getting ready by the month because of this distance and being unsure of the future. I know he’ll breakup with me if we’re LDR, I just know it. We’ve been through a lot but he knows himself that he won’t survive it.

Jd.

One week after and now I’m talking to him

I’m being okay with the fact that they’re still something. And what difference does that make if I’m in the process of moving on?

These past month of nothing but mindless fucking and distraction has never brought me any peace. It just distracts me from the truth and throws me down back to the this void of shittiness.

I don’t think we’ll work out. I don’t think I could trust him again when all he ever says is “sorry” and all he ever does is compare to my past fuck up.

I’ve been deeply swallowing the truth of that he replaced me for the sake of his reputation. That I am nothing and that his face to his friends is more important.

And I asked him all the wrong and painful questions.

I CAN IMAGINE THEM KISSING AND HIM SAYING THE WORDS THAT HE USED TO SAY TO ME

Still hurting

I’m imagining them hugging and kissing and being in love and him lying to me that he still chose me.

And how she talks to him

SO MUCH LIES