the world through my eyes.

From the moment I opened my mouth to say hi to you,

I’ve been entranced by the mere sight of you.

Getting lost and learning to swim in all your shades of blue

Indulging in a feeling that seems so long overdue

Feening to see if you’d wanna come through,

Cuz I know I’d never get enough of you.

I don’t know what it is about people like you, that has me ready to drop it all and dive in your depths.

I’m ready to see it all, from the bottom of your ocean floor, to the tip of your waves.

I wanna taste your salt water, absorb you through my skin.

I wanna float through your core, until I find my zen.

I wanna meditate through your essence

Make you feel my presence

Until I wash up on your shores and admire the bioluminescence.

I wanna swim through your layers

From clear, to sea foam, to cerulean

To the darkest shades of royal blue

And understand why its so easy to get lost in you.

I wanna ride your waves until I learn how to surf on you.

Find my balance

Hone my skills

And douse you in my sweet romance.

Right on queue, I want to shift your point of view

Until we reach a breakthrough.

Because as easy as it is to get lost in you, I want you to see its easier to get lost in me.

In the silence of my solitude, I missed you more

When my thoughts were racing and cascading having been triggered by something so insignificant, I missed you the most

And now I lay here,

Numb and quiet

Cold and hollow

And I miss you still.

I neeeeeed it....

But I quickly compose myself and scream no I don't. But if I don't need it, I wouldn't feel it so deep in my bones I wouldn't feel as though I have no control Every time I pick up my phone My fingers shake as I force myself to stop Every time I think about it and I start to shake Every time your name pours out of my mouth and leaves that nasty aftertaste I wouldn't be sweating or feel this cold I wouldn't be reaching I wouldn't be trying I wouldn't be holding on to any little string of connection to your toxicity I wouldn't feel so alive when we have those brief moments of reversion Feeling like I was grasping for air and you pulled me up ever so slightly when you texted back, But I should've known better Because you sink my head in deeper when you leave me on read

So I'm back to the shake shake shake And I hold myself saying I don't need it.... Still not understanding why it's so hard to let go if I don't I think I'm having you withdrawals Living my life like a druggie who was addicted to you

Its the way he shaped you into the person you are today, because four years later, you find yourself blaming him for your mannerisms.

Its the way you remember his love in hot, burning red, and you wonder why no one has ever made you feel as deeply and as intensely as he did.

Its how you don’t want to admit to yourself that traces of him in your memory mean that you miss him, because you’re “happy” now.

Its the way you remember it all as a simpler time, because you currently see your life as a ridiculous haze. A series of unfortunate events that you inevitably walked in to, and you know that back then you wouldn’t have seen yourself in such a predicament.

Its the way you think about how you were a different person when you were with him, and you wonder if you’re truly over it, because looking at his photos give you a rush of emotions that you can’t even begin to express.

Its that heart sinking feeling that you got when you saw those same photos after it all fell apart, and how you told yourself it would go away eventually…. but it never really has.

You just became so numb to it.

But most importantly, its knowing that even though the fallout absolutely shattered you, You’ve still convinced yourself that it was a better time.

making everything so different now.

Trying to make it better, and in turn it being worse.

Insincere actions completely driven by guilt,

creating an increasingly wide abyss

between the person I am now, and the person that I used to be,

but as mismatched as it all may seem, it doesn’t really phase me.

Slowly, but surely, turning into what I hoped I never would,

Watching everything around me decline, but I’m happier than ever.

For an instant, I remember the guilt that makes my heart heavy,

For a second, I wanna look back…. I’m fighting…

But this side is so enticing.

but I’m curious to see how this will end.

For right now your memory aches on my skin…

like a sharp pain that’s resonating,

like a stain I can’t remove,

and no matter how many times I wash it away, I still see the faint ghost of you.

The ghost that haunts my room, my mind, my words….

You would think I was high,

because only in that state of mind

am I able to feel things so vividly.