LIKE A SHITTY DAREDEVIL

took a shower too hot after brushing my teeth sloppy style and now i feel like i have hand foot and mouth disease

Lowkey i hate everything because i hate myself and can never stop seeing myself in everything else

remembered in winter when i was having my crisis and i was having really vivid flashbacks that i had somehow convinced myself i had lied about ever having. Girl u have ptsd

yesterday i was in the pool by myself thinking (im dogsitting/housesitting) and i keep having these thoughts about my dad where i think about how he might not have intended to put me in danger and generally traumatize me. but i can’t tell if im just becoming more understanding or if im just rationalizing my own abuse

made my friend dinner and she’s 20 minutes late 🧍‍♂️

sometimes i get trapped in these all-encompassing thought loops about how i used to be such a bad person who always victimized myself and never took the bad circumstances around me as initiative to become a better person and then i take a step back and it's like. girl i'm talking about when i was ten? when i was ten years old and acting out because i was being abused and neglected at home and my dad became terminally ill? when i was a teenager and still wildly undersocialized and acting out bc i was severely mentally ill and unmedicated and the abuse and neglect and my father's health were all getting even worse until he DIED? get some damn perspective oh my goddd bitch no one cares

why does nobody tell you that you have to experience all the men your age in your life suddenly becoming significantly more misogynistic and not fun to be around AGAIN in your 20s. i thought i was clear at 12 😭

been planning my day in philly when i go see a show i bought a ticket for. bro wdym i told my mom about the thrift store i found and she genuinely implied that she should come with and wait at the train station while i do my things so she knows im safe. girl that’s very sweet but i am 22. when you were my age you bought your first house. that is um. im okay

idk sometimes id just really like it if people gave me the same grace that i gave them. and all you can do is hope they do and know its not your fault if they don’t but sometimes i just wish they Would

i understand that you have to meet people where they are but meeting everyone where they’re at is lowkey making me want to kill myself. doesn’t anyone want to meet me where I’M at. get WOKERRRRRR

Sometimes I feel like the reason that i get so anxious and guilty over things even when im by myself is bc i get the same way that i was where as a kid i didn’t know how to perform emotions so i would act “sad” and make myself cry and have certain posture etc etc and then look up at my parent to judge if they thought i was actually feeling the emotion that i was displaying. except bc i was really religious i would even do it on my own and do it at like. god? to judge if i was being a good person for feeling bad. and i can’t tell if a) that’s completely normal or b)it’s not and it’s because im uniquely evil and apathetic or c) it’s not but im autistic and was abused so

the journal factory exploded srry

like i dont want to be dramatic but also watching my straight guy friends slowly grow to be more and more misogynistic makes me sick to my fucking stomachhhh man. what do you mean you only want to invite a woman to a party if she's single what do you mean you spend your time watching pick up artist videos what do you mean you find a woman who's strange exhausting but a man who's strange fun. idk maybe i was just fried but grimacing emoji you know

okay im done complaining. i am choosing to be reborn in the beautiful light of this word document

okay like i know i was just complaining about how i dont want anybody to know me That well besides my therapist but sometimes i really do wish i could talk to my irl friends about my problems without them all getting really fucking worried. like yes i have the kind of problems that drives someone to suicide. i know that you know that yaddah yaddah yaddah. can we just fucking sit and bitch and moan about them anyway. and even if you dont understand can you pretend to

like mitski really went off with "and youd say you love me and look in my eyes but i know through ine you were looking in yours." like goddd it really fucking feels like that sometimes girl!!!