LIKE A SHITTY DAREDEVIL

oh my god this year has been so awful jesus christ. i need to go to the beach and take an edible and eat a hoagie while listening to music. or i'll die

caught myself thinking "sometimes i wish i just remembered so i could Know who hurt me" and then i remembered how earlier this year i was remembering stuff and it made me Crazy. like the kind of crazy where my therapist is proud of me for not being an alcoholic rn. and its like well it would be easier in the whole aimless fear thing but aimed fear was actually worse than what we've got going on rn

OFF THE FARM but watching for another family now. so im sunbathing with some chihuahuas and drinking sparkling water too expensive for me to rationally buy for myself. i scheduled today as my do nothing day but lowkey feel guilty for not working. but like what if this time it’s rational

when i was a kid part of the reason i liked dogs so much is bc they were very clear with how they communicate. like they never say one thing and mean another. and ofc it led to me becoming very emotionally dependent on pets to the point it got really unhealthy but now i can leave the house so im still insane about dogs but in a way that isn’t as concerning

lowkey nobody knows me and it’s my own fault. but they like me from the not knowing so it’s kind of worth it!!

sometimes i blame myself for my dad being an alcoholic. like i should realize he was one before he even met my mom. but at the very least i didnt Help

im neurotic and a bit fucked in the head but thats fine because everyone around me knows that and everybody is kind of just chill with it. like its part of the package deal and thats ok.

objectively i need to give up and understand that binary gender identity is a social construct and gender identity is also a social construct and i cannot pathologize myself out of my own internalized homophobia and transphobia and fucked up family. but the consequences of that are just horrifying ughhh

truly a big part of my problem is that im horny and lonely and willing to abandon myself to feel some sort of connection. and also i live in fucking new jersey

ive just always maintained the idea that if im ever Allowed to come out as trans it needs to be in an entirely binary identity so that i have the best opportunity to still be accepted by my family. and the problem is that im like Definitely nonbinary in a way that doesn't make any fucking sense and more likely than not makes me the stereotype of a pervert. bc i like dressing up as a girl sometimes but it is almost exclusively for sexual or other social manipulation purposes. and sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach but that's kind of the point. and i make a hot woman!!! i make a very hot woman!!! but i make a kind of ugly man. there's not a point to this once again i am Journaling

truly the best option for me is to move to california and fake my death but unfortunately that would also make my mom kill herself. also google search how to tell if you were sexually abused as a kid and deeply repressed it

i think as im getting older and my family keeps trying to get closer with each other im trying to become more and more "normal" so that i dont feel that same isolation ive felt my whole life from them. which unfortunately translates to shoving myself deeper and deeper into the closet until i'm so dissociated that sometimes i can't tell what's real or a dream and i can't even tell what i want. i don't know who i am i don't know who i'm attracted to or if i'm just attracted to who they'll make me be. all i know is that if i take a leap of faith to try and see if transitioning will make me not want to kill myself the way i do now then i'll lose my entire family and they'll call me insane and crazy and probably a pedophile knowing my cousin. and i hardly even like them but the idea of giving it all up is so terrifying because of what it means for my relationship with my mom and brother. i dont know what would happen. i know she'd love me but it would ruin Her relationship with them and i can't make her give that up. sometimes i think that i don't want to be alive if i have to be a woman who marries a man but i feel like i could grit my teeth and bare it other times. i dont think i could handle looking more like my father than i already do. i would lose my job also. i don't want to continue let alone start over