Heh... 26 and so lost, lost for at least 16 of those years... I'm standing in the kitchen, drinking my nightly dose, gonna hit the rest soon too.. I'm getting myself ready for a big change, at least that's what I keep telling myself.. my granpa would be happy to hear it... I'm going to do it. I promise I'm going to do it.. I'm just afraid and scared.. I wanna go, be clean, be there for my neices and parents, do whatever it was that I was meant to do here... but tonight I'm singing myself to sleep to Boston's long tone deaf song... maybe, maybe I'll keep my promise tuesday, Wednesday... I promise, I'm sorry I suck at promises...

I hate myself and want to kms.. again... If I fuck it up this time I won't have anything at all except my own failure.. that's already the only thing I think of every day but... Maybe I'm holding onto something stupid.. but maybe somewhere in my head something wants me to try to be normal... I mostly just wanna hang it up tho.. gave it a good shot, the cards weren't right this time, try again next hand..