serendipity

I thought I have gotten over you. I thought I am okay with the past behind my back. But as I lay here, I begin to admit to myself that I was faking it. All of it. I miss you so much, this is the truth. I just thought that if I fake it, I can make it through. And yes, I am making it through the days, weeks, and months. But I know for myself that I only do this masquerade because there's no other way out of the misery. I know that if I tell other people this thing, they would not understand how my heart still aches and how I still long for your love. Those sweet words and chords that you used to dedicate to me, those hugs and kisses that were once warming me - I still miss them. As the time went on, I started to think that maybe I am only missing the acts and ways and the feeling they give, but not actually you. But I doubted this when you became a frequent visitor in my dreams. You were there in my subconsciousness like you were real. And it hurts when I wake up knowing it's just in my dreams that we could still be that close and everything is in place. It makes me look back, reminisce and delve into the times that we have shared. Then I would see that among the notifications on my Facebook were the memories of the same day years ago. I would dare to peek through the tagged photos, notes and posts. I would even click for the comments. We were happy and in love. And then I would start questioning the present circumstances and look for reasons. But it seems that I could not accept the conclusion I was always arriving at: you don't love me anymore. It's a cycle. It will always start from a dream, and then I would remember you throughout the day. And then there's this song that would scratch up the scar more. Voicing out what I was thinking and feeling: that you probably were having your better times with someone new and I was here being consoled by friends and people around me that I would feel better too, but I knew for myself that I was happier with you. It sucks. It's unfair that I was the only one suffering from the breakup that I did not even want to happen. It's sad that I had to be this attached even if I don't have anything to hold on to. There was nothing to claim anymore because there's nothing left from the relationship. And yet, I still mourn for the loss of a great love I once experienced with you. You could not blame me, you gave me so much happiness to feel, and now, I have so much to remember even after our story was done. I think I started to dream of you when we met at your grandfather's funeral. When I went there, I reminded myself that I visited to condole, and that our business was long done and was a different matter from the reason why I was there at your residence once again. I did not want to act affected by our breakup which took place only virtually months ago. I did not open up about it, even though I really want to hear your reasons and apologies. I did not want to seem that I was there because of our issues. So we went on talking about your grandpa's life and how it ended. We also casually chatted about each other's lives now, careful not to touch our estranged relationship. After a short while, you suggested for me to go home because it was getting late, and I agreed only because we did not have seats to occupy anymore. But if truth be told, I would want to stay and to have a longer talk with you about random things, school stuff, and other personal matters. When was the last time that we have a conversation like this, I thought to myself. We never bothered each other after you officially broke up with me through messenger. My reason was that I did not want to appear pathetic for begging you for attention after what you did, and maybe yours was that you did not really want us to be connected anymore since you have your new girl already. That really hurts. Anyway, I missed talking with you. That night at the funeral, I realized that I miss you more than I hate you. But of course, I would not want to be under your shade again. I promised myself that thrice is enough to keep me from coming back to the love that has been put aside for same reason in different instances. I did this because I just wanted to be honest with myself about how I feel for you now despite what happened to us. Yes, I still miss you, I still haven't moved on, you're still in my heart, and my dreams were reminding me of these truths. But along this bare proclamation, I am hoping to be done with my feelings for you so that I could afford a brand new start. I pray that I would be able to go past through this phase and reach the point where you will no longer appear in my dreams. I also pray that I would find my own someone new, someone who is worthy, someone who is meant to stay this time, for life.

Ed Sheeran, Happier

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