All out of gas no place to go
She knows just what I’ll say
She turns and laughs and opens up
And gives enough for the week
It’s been seven or eight years since I first heard this song. I loved the musicality and the genuine love present within the words—I even put the song on a CD to give as a Mother’s Day present shortly after hearing it for the first time. To be completely honest, however, it felt incredibly difficult to relate to the type of relationship that Ryan Kirkland so lovingly sang about. My mom had the daunting task of balancing being the mother of high school-aged triplets while going through her own struggles with depression. Don’t get me wrong. I know my mom and I will always love each other unconditionally, but this time in our lives was a struggle for everyone involved.
Blessed with a mom who puts herself after her children.
It doesn’t get much better than priceless
Depression was something that was a foreign concept to me—it wasn’t something that I personally struggled with, and it wasn’t something openly talked about within my community. I didn’t understand why I always felt like I had to fend for myself; I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just “snap out of it” and find a job; I didn’t understand and I didn’t know how to explain what I was going through to my teachers or my peers. I felt like no one else was going through similar struggles, and I felt like no one else would understand. I felt pretty alone.
Regardless of if I saw it at the time, I now know that, throughout all her struggles, she still did everything she could to put us first. She made so many sacrifices to ensure that all three of us stayed on track to complete high school and attend the colleges of our choice. She always made sure there was a roof above our heads—not just any roof, but one within my school’s zoning limits so that I wouldn’t have to uproot from my friends and a familiar environment. Although it wasn’t always possible, she still did everything in her power to ensure that my high school experience was as “normal” as possible. Regardless of how heavy our struggles felt, looking back, I can’t help but be grateful to my mom for the sacrifices she made for her children.
Moving away to college allowed me to develop a fresh perspective on my story. Joining a group of students dedicated to changing the stigma surrounding mental health allowed me to help others; it allowed me to process my pain; it allowed me to heal. I have heard stories of pain and heartbreak, but within these stories, I also saw true courage and bravery. I didn’t always know what to say or how to help, but came to realize that that’s perfectly OK. I didn’t always have to have the right answers or present a solution; I just had to be there. I learned to listen and to have compassion. I learned that depression wasn’t a sign of weakness, that seeking help was courageous; I finally understood that people need other people. I am sure that my mom and I still have parts of our relationship that are left unresolved, and I am sure we’ll still have our fair share of struggles—but that’s OK. At the end of the day, I know that she’s someone I can count on and that’s something I’ll always be grateful for.
- Hayley, TWLOHA Summer ‘15 Intern
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