Just Me

but the stupid shit helps. i look down at the pond where all those dumbass beautiful fish are swimming and i don’t know how to say it, so i just start talking. “it’s like this,” i say. i hold up my Flower Power it-was-on-clearance water bottle. “i carry this bullshit around with my everywhere.” i jiggle it. “it’s fucking heavy. half the time i put it into my passenger seat and forget about it. whenever i get thirsty while driving i lament my hubris for not having some kind of really long straw.”

a fish flashes in the water. orange and bigger than my arm. “it’s fucking stupid,” i say, “i started doing it because it was supposed to be good for my skin.” i gesture to my face. “it’s been years and results are slim.”

she picks at a leaf. “i think you’re pretty,” she says.

i kind of lose the ability to speak for a second, but i was on a roll, and if i don’t finish what i was saying i’ll explode or else never bring it up again. “it’s … something i did just to take care of myself. and that… you know, dumb-as-shit faux-self-care was also… real self care.” i find a clover and rip it up and start to mumble because the words could kill me. they’re sharp enough. “every time i felt like i wasted a day in bed or did nothing or it was just… a bad, bad day…” i hold up the water bottle, “i could tell myself well at least we fucking drank the goddamn water.”

i throw the clover scraps at the fish with my free hand. the green pieces all float down gently and get fish-lip kissed. “and, you know. that helped. that idea that even when i dropped the ball i was still kind of playing.” deep breath. put down the bottle. “and one thing became two things. i told myself if i could carry around this fucking thing, i could also convince myself to carry a lunchbox so i actually got semi-close to three meals. who cares that all three meals were three-day-old leftovers or just three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

i don’t want to look at her because i feel dumb saying all this fake-deep stuff, but at the same time i know she’s looking at me, so i sneak a peek. she’s got her head resting on her pulled-up knees. arms curled around her body and a look i can’t pick apart. more complicated than a clover leaf. 

long may she reign in hot pink pumps lace front wig skeins of blond hair woven into her wisps of brown

crystals sewn on her legs placed strategically at the corners of her eyes her lips-her chin

princess peach never had such adventures spinning bathroom to bathroom no plumbers-only sounds of heaving over broken plastic toilet seats

she got votes some with tits some with mother’s money some with mouth and tongue no teeth

though she has them she knows it-she can feel them sharp under her gums

when that ball of starlight drops-reflecting a thousand versions of her crown back at her

when the boys who laughed the girls who wrote her name in red lipstick on bathroom mirrors stop and stare

Exquisitely Enigmatic Surreal Digital Illustrations by Cyril Rolando

French digital artist Cyril Rolando is known for his surreal otherworld illustrations, inspired by Tim Burton and Hayoa Miyazaki. You can find his work available for art prints, pillow cases, mugs, laptop sleeves and other goodies in his Society6 shop. Keep reading

Because everyone is always in some way, shape or form, curious about the unknown.