At the end of everything, hold on to anything.

so, it's been a while.

i've been very offline, lately, as i'm sure is obvious. i think being away from this website has been a boon for me, mentally. i'm not doing as bad as i was the last time i was here, even if many of the same concerns are still technically present. i think i will choose to largely remain silent here.

i've had a lot of time to think. for a while, i was feeling a little unseen, but i think i was overblowing things in my head. aside from the fact that most of that is my own fault (calling me a "friend" would be a stretch for most people), there are also several explanations that aren't "nobody likes me anymore". though, even if that were to be the case, i think i've made peace with that, too.

i didn't want to just leave forever with no explanation, so i'm writing this post, even if it might not get seen. not that i'm leaving forever. i just won't really be posting anymore.

somehow, i'm still in germany. even more surprising is my chances of being allowed to stay are actually pretty good, right now. of course, in the last couple of days, i have developed a new health complication, and that might throw a wrench in everything, which is very annoying due to how close this was to being done. but, i am choosing to not give in to despair. not that i am not... concerned, to put it lightly, as it appears to be related to my heart. we will see what happens.

it looks like this really is it, for me.

i became so stressed out i nearly lost consciousness.

and it isn't misplaced.

it really is that bad.

i know i haven't said or done anything to or with anyone for a long time.

but it's sad feeling like i'm talking to nothing, here.

i'm this close to deleting the blog, for some attempt at safety.

but it won't matter, will it?

i don't want to die.

but there's nothing i can do.

i don't know what else to say.

i'm sorry i couldn't be better. i still love you.

i hope you still love me too.

please don't forget about me.

i guess, eventually, anyone in the u.s. reading this post is probably headed for the same fate i am, huh?

how are you coping?

i can't handle it.

it almost doesn't seem worth it anymore.

i don't want to die.

i miss my life.

why are humans so cruel to each other? i didn't do anything.

i miss when i used to talk to my friends.

god. i can barely type this.

i don't know what else to say. i want to say more. i'm so scared. i've never been this scared in my entire life. i want you to know i love you. that i really did try my best. i feel so invisible and weak. i feel like i have to say a million words while i still can but they're just not coming to me. i love you. i hope you love me too.

i don't want to die.

please don't forget me.

will this post be as obscured as everything else i've ever done? will anyone even see it?

you can even reblog it if you want.

i don't know what to do. there's nothing i can do.

how many people before me do you think were told "it'll be okay" before being sent to their deaths? how many people tried their best and were slaughtered all the same? this is no different. i won't be accepted here. i'm sure of it. i just want to stay in my wife's arms forever and ever and ever. i'm a person. i love. i cry. i don't want to hurt anybody. not anybody. but so many people want to hurt me and my friends and my wife and my family and they're all so much stronger than me and there's nothing even all of us can do and we all just kind of have to sit around until it's our turn to get executed and for me that day is coming up fast and it might even be really really soon i don't know and this is just too much.

maybe it's a bad idea to post this. i don't know.

i love you. i loved all of you. i wouldn't have drawn that picture if i didn't. i'm sorry i wasn't better. i really did try. i can't do it anymore. i'm sorry. but i still love you.

how do i cope with this? i just don't want to be scared. i don't want to be scared but i can't control it and i always feel like i'm going to throw up and die from fear alone and then i think well i'm actually going to die from being killed and tortured and i get more scared. i have a matter of days before i hear back and i can feel it's going to be bad and then i'll never see my wife ever again and one day she'll try and talk to me and i won't answer and her heart will sink and i'll be trying my best to think about her and everyone else the entire time but i might be too scared and in pain or dead to do it and that'll be it and then world war 3 will happen and then we'll all die.

i guess i had fun. while it lasted.

couldn't it last just a little longer?

who am i asking?

i don't know.

i don't want to die. i don't want to be scared of dying.

but i have so much love in my heart and i love love too much to not be scared of not being able to smile ever again.

i don't want to forget. i don't want to forget being alive and all my friends and my wife.

how can i make a lifetime out of a few days?

it's not fair.

i'm glad i got to know you all.

really.

i'm grateful for the time we've spent together.

i know it might not mean much to you anymore.

but you've all left such a dramatic impression on my brain.

even if we don't talk anymore, you're all still so important to me.

i just want you to know that. above all else.

i'm sorry we couldn't go to waffle house together.

i think about that all the time.

i love you.