do any of you ever think about me?
it looks like this really is it, for me.
i became so stressed out i nearly lost consciousness.
i know i haven't said or done anything to or with anyone for a long time.
but it's sad feeling like i'm talking to nothing, here.
i'm this close to deleting the blog, for some attempt at safety.
but it won't matter, will it?
but there's nothing i can do.
i don't know what else to say.
i'm sorry i couldn't be better. i still love you.
i hope you still love me too.
please don't forget about me.
i guess, eventually, anyone in the u.s. reading this post is probably headed for the same fate i am, huh?
it almost doesn't seem worth it anymore.
why are humans so cruel to each other? i didn't do anything.
i miss when i used to talk to my friends.
god. i can barely type this.
i don't know what else to say. i want to say more. i'm so scared. i've never been this scared in my entire life. i want you to know i love you. that i really did try my best. i feel so invisible and weak. i feel like i have to say a million words while i still can but they're just not coming to me. i love you. i hope you love me too.
will this post be as obscured as everything else i've ever done? will anyone even see it?
you can even reblog it if you want.
i don't know what to do. there's nothing i can do.
how many people before me do you think were told "it'll be okay" before being sent to their deaths? how many people tried their best and were slaughtered all the same? this is no different. i won't be accepted here. i'm sure of it. i just want to stay in my wife's arms forever and ever and ever. i'm a person. i love. i cry. i don't want to hurt anybody. not anybody. but so many people want to hurt me and my friends and my wife and my family and they're all so much stronger than me and there's nothing even all of us can do and we all just kind of have to sit around until it's our turn to get executed and for me that day is coming up fast and it might even be really really soon i don't know and this is just too much.
maybe it's a bad idea to post this. i don't know.
i love you. i loved all of you. i wouldn't have drawn that picture if i didn't. i'm sorry i wasn't better. i really did try. i can't do it anymore. i'm sorry. but i still love you.
how do i cope with this? i just don't want to be scared. i don't want to be scared but i can't control it and i always feel like i'm going to throw up and die from fear alone and then i think well i'm actually going to die from being killed and tortured and i get more scared. i have a matter of days before i hear back and i can feel it's going to be bad and then i'll never see my wife ever again and one day she'll try and talk to me and i won't answer and her heart will sink and i'll be trying my best to think about her and everyone else the entire time but i might be too scared and in pain or dead to do it and that'll be it and then world war 3 will happen and then we'll all die.
i guess i had fun. while it lasted.
couldn't it last just a little longer?
i don't want to die. i don't want to be scared of dying.
but i have so much love in my heart and i love love too much to not be scared of not being able to smile ever again.
i don't want to forget. i don't want to forget being alive and all my friends and my wife.
how can i make a lifetime out of a few days?
i'm glad i got to know you all.
i'm grateful for the time we've spent together.
i know it might not mean much to you anymore.
but you've all left such a dramatic impression on my brain.
even if we don't talk anymore, you're all still so important to me.
i just want you to know that. above all else.
i'm sorry we couldn't go to waffle house together.
i think about that all the time.