🍓💛🍓

Hospital body check. December 28th

The nutritionist came to talk to me and she uses the bed scale and I am 140lbs.

When they placed the drains they also put in a permanent plate where my jaw was fractured. There were bone fragments and tissue that made the area get really infected.

If I was to leave the hospital before the infection is gone she said the plate won't heal properly and that's also why I can't open my mouth all the way, the infection is causing my jaw muscles to not function fully.

So until all of the infection is out I'm kinda stuck here. I've been doing everything I can to take care of it. I deep clean it very gently to ensure i don't get sepsis and I've been rinsing my mouth and gently brushing and trying to push any infection out but its still just draining.

I'm just sad lol. I'm on a clear liquid diet and that means that the only things I'm served are: chicken or beef broth, a jello (maybe), an Italian ice (that is melted), an apple juice, and a coffee.

My mom brought me some juice I asked her for today that is clear so I can have that now but I'm literally not even eating because it's gross and I'm tired of greasy water.

I just want to be able to have something in my system. I literally haven't eaten actual food besides a single bowl of mashed potatoes in 2 weeks. At this point I'm not even eating the food I'm just drinking my juice.

I just want to be able to eat but even once I'm discharged, my surgeon doesn't want me to have dairy or chew anything for 6 weeks. So even once I'm discharged I'm basically just going to be able to eat baby food type shit.

I had a really good day at first because I was seeing progress with the drains, i was even able to shower and walk around my room a bit. So I was hoping the drains would get removed tomorrow and then maybe I get discharged the next day and at least get better slowly at home with my food and bed.

I'm just really depressed now. I just don't know what to do and not eating is making me crazy, fuck.

That just really made me upset when she came an hour ago and I'm still trying to deal with it.

For someone who used to want to be skinny so bad, I'm finally getting my wish. I'm losing so much weight from this. My bones are touching so much. My spine is showing again, I'm veiny and getting lankier but... It's for once not my main goal.

At this point I just want to be healthy.

I felt as if I've recovered as much as I ever will with food. Before this I would be able to eat without counting calories and watching everything so specific. Which I've been proud about. I even started appreciating my body and the muscle I was building and having a healthy body. I was 164.2 lbs on December 9th.

Howeve Im currently in the hospital and I've been in the hospital since December 16th. When I was admitted, I weighed 150 lbs. I lost 14.2 pounds in a week from being unable to eat food. There were days I couldn't even drink water without it hurting and almost choking. I'm on a liquid diet and can only have clear broths, jello, water, juice, and coffee.

I don't know how much I weight right now but my bones are showing prominently and I'm just not sure. However, I'm also just laying in bed not moving. So I'm not really burning extra calories.

I'm just scared once I'm able to eat normal again that I won't because I want to lose weight. After I'm discharged I'm going to be on a. Soft/ liquid diet and I can't chew for at least 2 weeks.

It took me 30 minutes just to eat a side of mashed potatoes so I could take some medicine before I was in the hospital.

I'm just so worried about my relationship with food after all of this is said and done.