Stranger In A Holy Place

WE'RE ALL CRYING

I like to imagine Rose’s brothers gave her shit for not sticking it out with Shane Hollander long enough for him to meet the family then when they find out it’s because Shane is gay they give her shit for not passing him along to one of them and she’s like??? you’re not gay??? to which they’re like !!!! everyone’s gay for Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov ain’t special

Shane Hollander really is the guy of all time. he's gay. he's autistic. he's wasian. he's the best hockey player in the world. he married his 8 year situationship. he's a millionaire but only because his mom said so. he has beautiful freckles. he had sex with a man for 8 years but the possibility that he might be gay only crossed his mind when he called him by his first name for the first time. to convince himself he was straight he started dating a movie star. he came out as a bottom. he does yoga. his situationship offhandedly suggested getting married for citizenship and he immediately stayed up until 4 am scheming so that wouldn't happen. he's an olympic medalist. he has a dog. his wedding song was diamonds by rihanna. he likes ginger ale.

Post-TLG Hollanov are woken at an ungodly hour by Shane’s phone. Shane answers and Yuna tells him to put her on speaker phone. Shane does and she tells them not to freak out but someone put a hidden camera in their hotel room when they were last in St. Louis, and the video is now on the internet. Yuna is working to get it taken down, but it’s spread like wildfire. Shane and Ilya are like “oh shit” and start to panic because the last time they played in St Louis a really bad snow storm rolled in, so they were stuck there for an extra day and spent the whole day fucking. An unauthorized Hollanov sex tape hits the internet. Half of the fandom is like “don’t watch it, respect their privacy” and other half is giving play-by-play commentary and writing essays about the video. #ProRiderShane, #ServiceTopIlya, and #TwoBigDicks are trending. Shane wants the earth to swallow him whole while Ilya tweets out “Damn, we look so good together” and Shane takes Ilya’s phone and flushes it down the toilet.

The internet's favorite part is the extended cut TM which shows the evening before when both of them get in tired from a long game that went into OT and Ilya tries to talk Shane into blowjobs but Shane's like you took a brutal hit and you can barely keep your eyes open we are not having sex, we are sleeping and Ilya gives him the cottage blowie on the phone eyes so Shane makes him a deal: if Ilya can stay awake until Shane's done with his bathroom routine, he'll blow him and Ilya fucking Rozanov, Terror On The Ice, gives his husband the biggest pout because you will cheat Shane and Shane is like I've never cheated once in my life asshole, and Ilya says, outraged, you will take extra long so I will fall asleep! Just like you wear your glasses when you want me to clean up my socks. That's not cheating that's an incentive, Shane shoots back and is so pissed about the cheating accusation he actually goes to the bathroom even though he was half a second from caving because he does really want to blow Ilya. Anyway you can see on the video how Ilya fucking Rozanov, one half of the league's sleep paralysis demon duo is trying stubbornly staying awake playing something on his phone and then just nods off. And then Shane comes back, not even three minutes later because that man is weak and that was not his full bathroom routine in any universe, but Shane just smiles softly and takes Ilya's phone and puts it on the nightstand. And then he gets a water bottle and puts it there too and then he gets into bed with him and even half asleep Ilya throws and arm over Shane and wiggles half on top of him. And when the gifs of that go viral Ilya finally crashes out and orders Yuna to hire ten more lawyers and find those fucking thieves because that moment was for no one else but him, fuck them Shane that is huge invasion of privacy Shane I will murder them!

Btw this was all because I was looking for information about the toothpaste I buy and I found a subreddit where people are posting pics of their collections of the toothpaste tubes