heart.bite

When I was still unsure of Nagitos true character, I watched the OVA. At the time I kept feeling so conflicted about him and how he felt about himself and his classmates. My 'GOODBOY RADAR' was going off, but all I had were the smallest little implications that he cares about them as people, rather than just as ultimates. LIKE,,, i dont know, I was afraid he didnt consider himself their friend. Just idols that he sits back and observes, and hes always so content to do so. 

I was so worried that he honestly never felt like they were his friends, and he would always isolate himself from them, and that hope and despair was all he truly cared about. In the small moments we get of Nagito in chapter 1, just being a normal kid and helping out- i felt like it wasnt really a lie. Not really an act, and im so sure that is a genuine part of him,, idk man it just gets brushed off in the end

I analyzed the shit outta the ova when i watched it because it was fuelling my hopes that he was really genuinely a goodboywhocaresabouthisbuddies and can be happy to just exist next to them… and when he woke up from that dream, he immediately dismissed all of those actions and emotions,, he simply cant be that person (anymore?) 

And hearing him deny it scared me, cuz i want to believe in the nagito inside.. The good heart beneath all hes done and said- that there was something more than what he wanted us to believe. And I wanted him to know he belonged.. Not just a spectator.

He was telling me that what I hoped was really just me being optimistic after all. I was afraid I was reading too far into things, was I wrong about him? He was convincing me again.

But

Even after all that talk, convincing us that he doesnt long for such things, that they arent important to him…

When he finally wakes up to see his classmates, its a different story. Seeing them all, remembering everything. The tragedy, hopes peak, jabberwock, and now his dream.

He smiles

And when he sees Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi,, thats when I knew he was okay. And it had like- in an instant, brought me back from the despair of thinking that maybe i was making things up, or completely misreading him, and told me that everything i saw and felt and hoped for him just must be true

Because he couldnt physically hold himself back anymore, not after seeing them- smiling and alive, remembering everything they had been through together, he had to hold them. Despite all his attempts at refuting his emotions.. He couldnt once he actually saw them, how could you? And just that he allowed himself to just embrace them.. To come together..